Walk Away A Savior

April 10th, 1995

Morning

Gerard Way

You’re never going to believe what happened last night.

You’ll recall from the last entry that I was last at the top of a play structure with a bum ankle, scared that I was going to be slapped with some sort of pedophilia lawsuit in the morning. Well, soon after I put my journal down I heard footsteps below me. With my luck, I just knew it had to be the police. So, I scrambled to my feet, ready to go down swinging, trying to decide which way to head out. Before I could, two guys cornered in the top of the structure, but it sure as hell wasn’t the cops. The first one I saw was a tall kid with brown curly hair wearing all black and a mask advancing on me from one side, so I tried the other way and was met with a scrawny looking kid dressed as his double from the other. I figured the kid looked like an easier out, so I tried that way.

He was tougher than he looked, he caught my punch and restrained me, but I floored him soon enough. The taller guy came in at me again though. And we caught each others punches for a few moments while he tried to tell me something, but I was way too focused on getting away to hear any of it. I did catch something about him saying they weren’t the police, telling me to hold on so they could explain, but that’s just what they say to calm you down before they can arrest you. I floored this guy soon enough too, but the other came at me again. They were starting to wear me out.

A lot of things are fuzzy from there, you’ll see why in a second. But I remember making fun of these two masked kids, though I can remember being impressed by them. I thought I was tough shit coming out of juvie, but these two kept fighting. I remember getting the upper hand for a minute, then, the taller, older guy, who I wasn’t fighting with pulled a gun on me. He shot and my side stung. I thought I was dead. I swear, I’ve never been more scared and when I looked back to the younger guy’s face, it was like looking at what my own expression must have appeared to be at that second. He turned and screamed something about not shooting me to the older guy, who replied saying ‘Mikes’ then something about tranquilizers. I was on my knees at this point, but my eyes popped even further as I mumbled my brother’s name and I watched, Mikey pull his mask off.

“I tried to tell you,” he said, apologetically, but that’s the last thing I remember before passing out.

When I woke up, I was in a bed, the sun in my eyes. When I tried to get a hand up to block it out of my face, my wrist stung and I couldn’t move it. I pulled at them harder, delirious and not entirely sure where I was and there was a yelp from my right side and I saw Mikey on the floor scrambling to get up. I think he thought I was trying to get at him, because I pulled at the cuffs again and tried to sit up. I was just excited to see him though.

He was stuttering around and trying to unlock my handcuffs. It took him a minute or two, but he got it unlocked. His hands were shaking so bad that I asked him to hand me the key, and he did. Once the handcuffs were off it was quiet. I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t know what he thought of me. I was so scared that he might hate me, or that he thought I was going to hurt him. I said the first thing that I could think of though, to test the waters out and asked him about those outfits he and his friend wore. Those superhero do-ups. He stuttered like always and I got this horrible knot in my stomach. I knew then that he was terrified of me. I hated myself, so I stayed quiet while he spoke.

He told me about he and his roommate. He explained how they met in foster care after the state took him from my parents house (which meant I had done something right at least). He was still quiet and I knew he hated me, so I asked if he wanted me to leave. To my surprise, he said no. He seemed insulted that I even suggested it. I didn’t say anything back. I didn’t know what to say. That must have pissed him off because he grabbed my shoulder hard as hell and turned me around. I was so shocked that I didn’t catch all of what he was saying, but the gist was that I wasn’t going back to jail- he wouldn’t let me. He asked if six years in juvie was good enough for me- it was good enough for him.

I said he’d never been to juvie and he blew up on me. He made me feel like shit. He told about being locked up in foster care and being under the care of strangers. I thought about how I left him when he was nine. I thought about him growing up without a family.

I conceded that he had a point, because he did. He’s grown up so much… he blushed when I told him that. Got embarrassed, but it changed the subject at least.

He told me to sit down while he fixed that damn ankle of mine. Then I asked him about how he got into the business of being a badass. He told me this crazy story about saving this girl from getting mugged or raped, or both. He was twelve and he took down a full grown man. I was so proud of that kid, I am proud of that kid, but god, his story scared the fuck out of me. Not only did he put his life on the line and down a criminal, but the way he talked about the blood and pain he caused… it wasn’t like my Mikey at all. Something about him is so weird now. He’s still an awkward kid, but it’s like this other guy’s battling to come out, too. Some really tough, street hero guy, but I don’t know how I feel about my little brother changing into someone else.

Anyway, when he was done talking, I was speechless. All I could say was ‘shit’. He made fun of me for that and it was like old times. I just said that he’d grown, again. And he got embarrassed, again. He told me that I better stick around to make sure he didn’t grow up anymore without me knowing. That knot in my stomach loosened. I hoped to all hell that that was an invitation to stay, but I wasn’t sure. I said something about not knowing where I was going to go next and I got my answer.

His eyes were so wide and his face was getting red. I told him that I didn’t want to overstay my welcome and he just stayed quiet. I asked what was wrong and he said that he thought I was staying. I played devil’s advocate and said his roommate wouldn’t want me to, he told me that didn’t matter. I told him I could get used to it here, but before I could finish talking he knocked the goddamn wind out of me with a rib cracking hug. Damn, he’s much stronger than he looks. But I didn’t care. Mikey was back and he didn’t hate me. I put my arms around him too, feeling like a pansy because I swear I was two seconds away from tears because that was the best I think I’ve ever felt in my whole life. But you wouldn’t understand and I don’t care. You don’t know him. You don’t know me. So you’ll just have to take my word on it.

After that we went to the kitchen though. He made coffee and I was even more impressed by him. He’s got this nice apartment, and I mean nice. And he worked so hard to get it. He’s fourteen and he’s providing for himself. That’s more than I’ve ever done.

We talked for a little bit though. About juvie for a little. Then something occurred to me. What if the police came here looking for me? I wasn’t going to get Mikey busted for me. He just laughed though. We talked about that famous hidden panel in Watchmen with The Hooded Justice and Captain Metropolis having dinner together years after they were supposed to be dead. He said people don’t notice hidden things unless they’re pointed out to them, generally, then he took me around showing me all of the hiding spots in the house. There were tons of crazy places, but the last was the most impressive.

It was in his roommate (Ray)’s room in his closet, kind of like The Comedian’s place. He had everything. Little trinkets, guns, masks, but they didn’t have costumes. I asked why and he said he wasn’t a hero. I disagree, but before I could press, his roommate was behind us. He said it was stupid to run around being flashy without expecting to get caught. I guess he was right, but he didn’t have to be such an asshole about it. Then he said something about me needing a shower. The only reason that I didn’t punch him was because he’s Mikey’s friend.

I did take the shower though. I think I did need it, plus, I thought that Mikey did maybe need some time alone to straighten things out with his roommate, cool him down about me. Hell, I could be hopeful, couldn’t I? After finding Mikey safe and whole and taken care of, I could stretch my high spirits to at least being on cordial, if not friendly, with a guy that it seems like I’ll end up seeing a lot of. So I let Mikey show me the particular kinks of the bathroom, the weird way his faucet worked, the fact that you had to leave the water running a good few minutes before you got in the shower to let the aging water heater kick in. He left afterwards and I locked the door behind him, then proceeded to strip down and get into the shower. I think I didn’t realize how sticky from the previous day’s sweat I’d been until I felt the water on my skin. It was so good to just stand there and let it hit me. To not have to worry about anything for a little bit.

In juvie, we had shower tokens. Each allowed for five minutes of water usage. Yeah, you could take a thirty minute shower if you wanted to, but that meant that you only had one more five minute shower that week. If you wanted to shower every day, you really only had enough time to do the basics. A lot of times the water was pretty cold and it was just getting warm when it just shut off. So, needless to say, I spent a while in Mikey’s shower, just enjoying the fact that I could. Even after I had finished getting clean, I just stood under the shower head until the hot water ran out. At that point, I turned off the tap and grabbed a towel from the shelf that Mikey showed me they were on. That’s when I realized how disgusting my clothes were.

I said fuck it though, mentally, of course, and I pulled my pants and shirt on, ruffling the towel through my hair. I just looked at myself in the mirror for a little bit and turned the fan off when the steam had cleared. I didn’t really have time to really notice that I needed to shave or that I had horrible bags under my eyes, because as soon as that fan turned off, I heard raised voices and though I knew Mikey could handle himself, I still tensed, being the protective motherfucker that I always am.

“All I’m saying is that he’s a huge liability,” Ray’s voice said. “And does he even have a job? I’m not paying rent for his ass.”

“I’ll pay two thirds rent!” retorted Mikey, “I don’t care. It’s none of your business. He’s my brother, Ray. You can’t expect me to throw him out on the street.”

“I’m just saying, it’s all well and good until the cops raid us…”

“Bullshit, dude, you know this place’s bulletproof.”

“What’s he supposed to do while you’re at school? When you’re at work? When we’re out on the streets? How do I know that I can trust him?”

“Whatever the damn hell he pleases, and incase you didn’t notice last night, he put up a pretty good fight against us. You can’t pretend that he couldn’t help. After that leg’s healed up at least…”

“Yeah, but you never said: how do I know he’s trustworthy?”

“Do you trust me?”

“With my life, you know that, Mikey.”

“Then you can trust him. He’s the reason I even made it this far.”

“I’ve heard you talk about the night he went to juvie. You said even you were scared of him. You talked a lot about how angry he was as he floored your dad, and he was just a kid then.”

“What’re you saying?”

“If he gets mad at you-”

“If he did, he’d never touch me. You don’t fucking know him, Ray, so back the fuck off.”

“I’ll give him a week.”

“What?”

“A week. And if he doesn’t fuck up, if he keeps a cool head-”

“You don’t even know him.”

“Yeah, I’ll give him a week to make an impression, and if I don’t like it then-”

“Then you’ll what? Turn him into the fuzz?”

“I never said that-”

“Yeah, but you said enough. You know, blood is thicker than water, Ray. I know my brother, he’s a good guy. Give him a motherfucking chance, for me at least.”

There was some silence after that. I looked up at my reflection: my cheeks were pink. Fuck if I didn’t feel like a motherfucker. Even to someone I didn’t know, I’d gained the reputation of being an asshole. Of flying off the handle. Of being dangerous. But like Mikey said, he just didn’t understand. He doesn’t know me. He hadn’t seen what I’d seen. He didn’t know what would have happened to Mikey if I wasn’t there to look out for him. Neither did I, I guess, but I’d spent countless nights going over the possibilities in my head, and I wasn’t about to let any of them happen.

“Yeah, I guess.” Ray said, finally, breaking the silence. “You know, you should really get ready for school…”

“I didn’t really want to-”

“Go to school, Mikey. He’ll be here when you get back.”

Mikey didn’t say anything after that, but I heard footsteps and a few moments later, he knocked on the bathroom door. “G.” He said, “You done in there?”

I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me and went to unlock the door. “Yeah, what’s up?”

He pushed the door open after he heard the lock click and stood in the doorway, looking crestfallen. “I gotta go to school.” He said, sighing. “You tired at all? You can use my bed while I’m gone.”

“What time’re you off?”

“Two fifteen,” he answered.

“Alright then.” Mikey turned as I advanced and I followed him to his room. “Then we gotta catch up some more when you come back, right?”

“Of course,” he smiled.

We talked more as he got ready for school, but not about anything important. He told me about his teachers and his classes. I told him about getting my GED. He laughed and called it a ‘good enough degree’. I laughed, too, but I knew it was true. Mikey was always going to be the smarter one and the more charismatic one and the more successful one. He left for school a few hours ago and I’ve been laying on his bed, thinking the entire time. I’ve been thinking how proud I am of my brother. I’ve been thinking how I can get in good with his (my?) roommate. And I’ve been thinking resentful thoughts toward Mikey for learning to protect himself because now, I don’t think I even have a purpose.