Remember this Face, Baby.

Kayla slept, soundly in my bed, with the tissue box laying comfortably on her stomach. One of her arms was wrapped around a body-length pillow, while the other hung off the bed, with the Kleenex she was using, before she passed out cold. Alexis was sleeping in her grandmother's room, while I assumed my mother had passed out cold, watching the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. I sighed, quietly and glanced at the watch on my nightstand, beaming red numbers at me. It was twenty after four, and I was still wide awake, staring at the ceiling and twiddling my fingers. This night felt endless and morning seemed to be taking it's time to arrive.

An idea struck me, suddenly and without thinking, I grabbed one of Alexis' large, thick blankets and placed it near the window. I slipped into an over-size sweater and stepped into some shoes, grabbing my cellphone off the nightstand and retreated to the window. I opened it, quietly and leaned down, picking up the blanket and stepped outside into the ledge, shutting the window, as quietly as I could. I searched for the ladder hidden by the growing vines crawling in and out of it, before tossing the blanket onto the roof. I stepped onto one of the steps and as carefully as I could, I climbed up the ladder, holding onto vines and pulling myself up.

Reaching towards the ledge, I grabbed onto it and hauled myself onto the roof. The blanket hung from the ledge and quickly grabbed it, crawling higher up. I sat down and wrapped the blanket around me, pulling my hood over my head. I brought my knees towards my chest and hugged them against me, placing my chin on the warm blanket. Once I felt settled and warm enough in the cold night, my eyes moved towards the sky and a smile rose onto my lips.

I hadn't climbed onto the roof, since high school started. Kayla and I would always climb up here, once my mom was fast asleep and lay on the roof for the entire night, until the horizon painted the sky with pink, purple and orange. I hardly remember what we would talk about, but it didn't seem to matter because we were together.

For the first time, I sat on the roof alone, without my partner in crime to accompany me. I should've been celebrating this old tradition with my best friend, but I didn't feel like waking up Kayla and the feeling of sitting alone, stopped me. I felt at ease. If I had been younger, I might have already climbed down and went through the window, calling for Kayla. But for two years, I had learned how to be alone, even if I did have my mother and best friend. I knew how to keep my emotions bottled up; I knew when to keep my mouth shut and I knew when I could cry for hours, without caring.

I knew when people cared and when people didn't.

The stars glittered above me like millions of twinkling lights. I wondered if every star held a story or even a wish a person seemed to say. The stars were mysterious things, and that's one thing I had known from the start. The stars were they're own thing, holding mysteries only they knew when to tell. They held paths to new worlds and they held wishes millions had wished upon. Stars held the same secrets many thought, were their first to tell and stars held secrets no one had ever heard of. Just thinking of the mysteries stars kept deep within them, made me curious and want to discover them. But then, a large sparkle caught my eye and I looked over to it.

"I wish someone could help me forget all the sadness and help me give my beautiful daughter a new and better start," I whispered. A puff of smoke erupted from my lips, and then, it disappeared with the wind that blew around me and into the night sky.

I laid back on the roof top and hugged myself, pulling the blanket over my nose and lips, hiding them from the brisk, cold air. I glanced at the half-moon above me, sending me a dim light and with a smile, I closed my eyes and fell asleep, on top of my roof like all the nights when I was younger.

◊

I have no idea what woke me up first. It might've been the sound of the passing cars, or the whistle of the wind playing with my ear and occasionally running it's invisible fingers threw my hair or the cries of sudden concern below me. I wanted to understand why there were crying, and why there was much concern, until I realized with a jolt where I had slept the night.

Sitting up, abruptly, on the rooftop I had claimed as my temporary bed, I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hands and then, looked up at the sky streaked with pink, orange, purple and yellow. Far in the distance, I could still see the moon that had tucked me to sleep and lent me it's light, and then, looked at the yellow circle that had graced me to wake, we referred to as the sun.

I could hear Kayla's distant voice, filled with concern and my mother calling after. I could've stayed up here and ignored them for the whole day, missing a day of school, but the cry of my daughter pulled me from my fantasy and carefully, like a crab, I crawled down the roof and kicked my legs over the ledge. Once my feet touched the ladder, I gripped onto the ledge and lowered myself, looking down at the ground every so often, estimating how far I was and how much it'd hurt if I missed a step and fell.

And oh, how much it would hurt.

I opened the bedroom window and climbed inside, dumping the blanket into a tangled mess on the floor and rushed out into the corridor. Thankfully, my mother wasn't on the phone, contacting the authority. The guilt hit me like a truck, as I heard her sobbing, quietly and I could imagine, Kayla standing beside her, arms around her, trying to console the mother who had suddenly lost a daughter.

I didn't want to face her and I wanted to slap myself for thinking climbing onto the roof was a good idea. I had thought, I would've waken up and climbed down, then crawled into bed and would've waken up by the sound of my alarm clock, like any normal teen waking up for school. I had waken up on the roof, cuddled in my daughter's blanket, and my alarm clock had been my mother and best friend crying over me.

"Where do you think she would've run off, too? Did she mention anything about running away? Please, Kayla, try to remember!" my mother said, urgently and sniffled, loudly.

"No, no. She didn't say anything about being depressed or anything. She never said anything about running away. She said she'd never do that, because Alexis and you. I know her, too. She wouldn't runaway from home. She loves you guys too much," Kayla urged and then, sighed, heavily.

Taking a deep breath, I walked downstairs and turned into the kitchen, seeing my mother hunched over the table, telephone in hand and tears rolling down her pink cheeks, like tiny waterfalls. Kayla was wiping away tears and pacing back and forth, holding a sniffling baby girl in her arms. She pecked the child's forehead and sighed again, while her chin trembled.

"Hi guys," my voice was barely audible, but both Kayla and my mother heard and sprinted towards me, pulling me into them. Alexis began wailing and I took her from Kayla, cradling her against me.

"Karissa! Where were you? Did you think running away would make things better? Karissa, answer me, please, where were you?" my mom pushed questions onto me and my mind didn't seem to register them. I wished I could've given them a good enough reason, but I knew what they would say and their voice rang in my ears like bells.

"I'm fine, and like Kayla said, I could never run away," I paused, and as time seemed to stop, I stared at the faces of my family, waiting with anticipation and concern, "I was on the roof," I added, and chuckled, nervously.

"On the roof? What the fuck were you doing on the roof?" Kayla snapped, and then, mumbled a quick sorry under her breathe, as my mother sent her a sharp glance.

"I couldn't sleep, so I went up there. I was looking at the stars and I passed out," I explained, nervously.

"You were on the roof?" my mom asked, slowly and with every word, her eyes narrowed into tight slits.

"Yes," I replied and wondered if she was going to throw herself at me and strangle me to death.

"Karissa," she whispered and let out a shaky breathe, clenching her fists at her side, "just go upstairs and do whatever, before you go to school. I'll talk to you when you get home," my mother wiped away the tears, angrily and pushed past me, stomping up the stairs. I chewed on my lower lip and sighed, shakily.

"Oh my God, what the heck were you thinking? I wake up and you're not beside me. I think you're downstairs and I look everywhere, and you're nowhere to be found! I wake up your mom and ask if she wanted you to run some errands for her and she says no! Where else could you have been? Karissa, you have a young daughter and caring mother, who will go completely crazy if you disappear and that's the first thing you do!" Kayla exclaimed at me, and then lowered her voice, to hush the crying Alexis.

"I know, Kayla. There isn't much else I could say. I just missed climbing up there and I went up there, and I lost track of time. It's my fault, okay," I said, gently and walked into the living room, plopping down on the couch, with Alexis holding onto me. Kayla sat on the armchair closer to the television and watched me, intently. I avoided her gaze and kissed Lexi, watching her rosy cheeks spread into a small smile. I wiped the tears away from her chubby cheeks and smiled, softly.

"The only thing that has bothered me about you, since two years ago, is this kind of shit. You complain, moan about how your life is turning out, but you don't do anything to change it and instead, you go off and do stupid shit that worry us. I know you want us to trust you and leave you alone, but if you do shit like this, what the fuck do you expect?" Kayla asked, firmly and her eyes narrowed.

I felt angry at her sudden words and I would've screamed at her, if what she was saying, wasn't true. Instead of exploding, I nodded and stood up from my seat, making my way up into my room. I shut the door behind me and undressed Alexis, then myself. I wrapped a towel around my body and a smaller one around my daughter, pulling her against my body and walking into the corridor.

Before walking into the bathroom, I stopped in front of my mother's door and placed my ear against the closed door. I wanted to block out the sounds I hear inside, and wished that I hadn't eavesdropped on my mother. What I heard ripped my heart out of my chest and I could feel someone stomp on it several times. I could hear her crying, and it wasn't because of any stupid reason. It was because of me. She whispered to no one in particular, but once she said my father's name, I felt tears blur my vision.

"Please, Craig, tell me what to do. I don't know what I can do to help our daughter. I feel like I'm failing her as a mother, and I have nothing else to give her. Give me a sign and tell me, please, what I should do. There's been so much stress, since you've left us. Why? Why did this have to happen to us? Help me, please," she sobbed, quietly.

I wanted to run into the room and hug her, hold her and wash her tears away, but I knew I couldn't and I wouldn't be able to. She thinks she was failing me, when in reality, I was the one harming her. I knew it ended here. I wasn't going to be the one causing my family pain anymore. I couldn't put my mother through anymore, not after my father's fatal car accident. I lost my father that day, and he had taken part of her with him.

On the day of the funeral, she hadn't cried. When they lowered my father's casket into the ground, not one tear rolled down her cheeks. She had let me cry against her, as she rubbed my back and kissed my forehead, whispering that it would be okay. But even as she held me, she didn't cry. There was a moment, though, when I glanced up at my mother and we stared each other. The look she gave me, wasn't the one I had recognized all these years of living under the same roof. The look was blank, numb and cold. In that moment, I had known my mother had gone with my father.

I walked away from my mother's closed door and stepped into the bathroom, sitting my door on the floor. I shut the door behind me and wiped away the tears that had stained my cheeks. Tears threatened to burst down my cheeks, but I didn't let them. Alexis watched me, curiously, her head tilted to the side and her little chubby hands laying in her lap. I looked away for a moment and with one hand, wiped the tears with the back of my hand and turned back to my daughter, with a fake smile.

"Ready for a bath, baby?" I murmured, softly, reaching down towards my daughter and pulling her into my arms, tucking her against my side. Keeping my baby on my hip, I turned the shower on and step inside, once the water is warm enough for me and especially for Alexis. I placed her down on the bathtub floor and unwrapped the towel from her, then started on mine and stepped inside, pulling the curtain across the shower.

I lifted the baby into my arms and pressed her back against my chest, wrapping a secure arm around her middle. Then, I placed an arm under her legs and watched as water pooled over lap. Giggling, loudly, she slapped the water with her small hands and grinned. I let a smile rise over my lips and gently, I kissed her, turning her around. She laid against me, with one of her hands laying above my breasts and the other brushing my shoulder. She kept her head on my shoulder and her legs curled against my stomach.

"I love you, Lexi," I whispered, and I hoped, as young as she was, that she understand those three words.

◊

If having one person angry at me wasn't enough, I also had Kayla to thank. She wouldn't speak a word to me, and if that wasn't worse, she wouldn't even glance at me. I had never been given the silent treatment, though I might've to many people. But I knew how it felt and it was horrible. I would've rather Kayla scream at me in front of the entire school and show her wrath, then keep it hidden away.

The car ride had been filled with tension. Even when I tried to apologize to my best friend, instead of listening and speaking with me, she turned the radio onto full-blast. Kayla didn't like Britney Spears, but she didn't seem to mind that Britney was singing on the radio. Instead, she sang along to the music and bobbed her head, as though she had been listening to Britney all her life.

Kayla didn't come to the locker with me, like she did every morning. Instead, she had parked the car and gotten out, leaving me inside by myself without a care in the world. She walked towards a large group of seniors and greeted them, cheerfully. I watched some curious seniors look around for something, if not someone and I knew it was me. They knew Kayla and me were best friends, but where was I?

I felt like I was in a different world than most people. In this world, there was no sound, no emotions, no colour. It was me against the black and white world, against all the stares and glares. The only emotion was pain, anger, hate and sorrow. All those feelings mixed into one and created a black hole that sucked me in. I could feel the pull of invisible hands and the smell of complete, dreadful lonesome. It might've seemed odd, but I could taste the hurt on my lips and on my tongue. My heart felt like a heavy brick, weighing me down and if that wasn't enough, hands pushed down on my shoulders and knocked me down.

This world was what I had lived in for two years. It might've not been this horrible, until today and I could stand it, until today. I wanted to crawl into a cold, dark hole and wither away. I wanted to float with the wind and disappear with it. It would take me miles away from where hurt resided and I'd be free. It wasn't possible to feel free, no matter what someone might say. There were always things keeping you back, always something or someone wrapping a thick chain around your ankle.

I watched as the people walked past me like colourless blurs. Time didn't matter where I was. Everything passed me quickly, but I was the only one going at a normal speed, watching them rush past me. It was strange, but somehow, soothing. I was like a ghost, only seen by those who really believed I was there. To others, I was a cold wind that they didn't want to feel and quickly, avoided me, protecting themselves.

I leaned against my locker and glanced up at the ceiling. It felt like the day hadn't even started, and that it was taking forever to actually arrive. That fact might've been because Kayla wasn't talking my ear off this morning. She was probably gossiping with the group she had gone off with and I couldn't think of what else she would be talking about, besides me. I had never thought of Kayla ever spreading something about me, but things change and people do, too.

Thoughts raced through my mind, like bullets being shot into the air. I gathered most of my books for first and pulled them against my chest, staring blankly into my locker. I few of Kayla's things were in the locker, and she'd be coming soon to pick up her books for first. I didn't want to be here, when she arrived with her new posse. I could just imagine the things they would do to me and it sent shivers down my spine.

As I started walking away from my locker, something ran smack into me and just as I started falling, an arm wrapped itself around my wrist and pulled me up. I steadied myself and looked down, seeing that both feet were planted on the floor. I didn't dare look up at the stranger and pulling my books closer to my chest, I mumbled, "Sorry." I didn't bother waiting for what he'd say and continued walking towards the bathroom, until I heard the familiar voice. It was the same voice that belonged to the one person who had made my heart race, no matter how much I tried to get him out of my head. It was him, for certain. It was Deryk.

When I looked over my shoulder, he wasn't there. I rushed back to where we had collided and looked down the hallway, searching for him.

It was him.