It's Our Last Chance to Feel Again
seven.
KATHERINE
Have you ever felt completely safe and yet so vulnerable at the same time?
Because at that moment, as I stood there, that was how I felt. I looked into the wolf's eyes, the same wolf from in the woods when I first found out I was lost, the same wolf that had taken a step towards me, the same wolf that had howled, the wolf that scared the crap out of me, that very wolf, and momentarily, I forgot about everything. About the flawless hikers behind me, the dangerous (not anymore, apparently) pack of huge wolves, my mother, Uncle Jack's warnings, my father, Daniel, everything. All I could think about was that russet wolf. I barely noticed that the hikers behind me had left. That wolf was all I saw, all I knew.
It was strange. While I had been enticed previously by that hiker, I now felt completely drawn to the wolf. At the back of my mind, it registered that it had taken a step forward. But I completely ignored the warnings and instead of being sensible, I placed my right foot in front of my left, and then drew my left foot to where my right was. Unable to stop, my left foot followed suit, and my right then repeated the action. It felt unnatural, but yet so right. It was as if my limbs were all suddenly attached to strings, and some gigantic four year old girl was controlling me from above. My mind was telling me to run, trying so desperately to stop my legs, but it was no match for the four year old. She continued to pull and maneuver the many different strings, and in a blink of an eye, I found myself standing right in front of the wolf.
His face was mere inches from mine, and inhaling, I took in his smell. The smell of woods, that same musky smell in Uncle Jack's car. The smell that made me feel warm and at home. His eyes were a dark brown, and I found myself unable to draw my gaze away from them. They seemed to hold so much in them, and I could have stared in them all day. The 4 year old pulled on a different string, and I found myself stretching out my right hand, reaching for the beautiful russet wolf.
It was a strange feeling; the comfort and security of being close to a wolf, and the vulnerability of allowing myself to have gotten so close. My body felt normal but yet, it felt like this was unnatural- it hadn't been me who told myself to walk forward and reach for the wolf, but I had at the same time willed myself to do so. I felt so drawn to this wolf, like as if it were more than just that. And I still couldn't shake that familiarity off, like I had seen it before. Somewhere.
We stared at each other, not once breaking eye contact. While my breaths were quick and rapid, the wolf's was calm and deep. My arm continued inching forward, and I took a deep breath, anticipating what it's fur would feel-
"Chark!"
For a moment, as I gained back my sense, time seemed to stop. My hand froze in midair, and the breath I was taking stuck in my throat, and everything was still.
Then, as if the 4 year old had pressed 'resume', I whipped my head to look at the source of the noise, as did all the other wolves. Coming face to face with a wolf (well another one), I frowned. Had it sneezed? Yeah, okay. I suppose that's natural.
Telling myself that I was just being paranoid, I turned my head back, and when I blinked, I found my face directly in front of the russet wolf's. It seemed to be glaring at the wolf that had sneezed (or maybe it was just me being paranoid, again). It took me a while to realise it, but when I finally took in my still outstretched arm and my extreme close proximity with the wolf, I took in a breath sharply and withdrew my hand, taking a huge step back.
Immediately all the wolves turned to look at me, and if I had been a different situation, I probably would have laughed at how funny and synchronised that scene was. But as it turns out, I wasn't, and I did the only thing I could think of. I turned and started to run. I took a step, and another, the strings that had once controlled me seemingly cut loose. But then the wolf barked- that same russet wolf. It was funny how I could already tell it was his bark. The four year old held the strings once again, and stopped me from moving. Slowly, I turned my head around, and saw that the russet wolf had taken another step forward and had bent its head so low, it looked like it was trying to lick the dirt off the leaf below him. The wolf whined, and I had a sudden urge to run over and hug it.
Katherine, snap out of it. It's a wolf.
As I kept running those words through my head, I turned my body around completely so that I was, once again, facing the wolves. I looked around at all of them and noted that there were less wolves present than there were before. Great. So now, the wolves were going to leave me too.
Was I really going to have to spend the rest of my life out here? Well, I could always marry that russet wolf. Laughing at how absurd the idea was, I failed to notice the rest of the wolves slowly filing out.
Eventually, I stopped laughing like an idiot, and realised that there were only two wolves left. A dark silver* wolf, and the russet wolf. The dark silver wolf was slightly bigger than the russet one, and it registered in my mind that the dark silver wolf was the one that had sneezed.
"Well, wolves. It's just you and me at this point. You're probably going to leave me soon to join your pack-"
I was cut off by a loud bark emitting from the russet wolf, and I jumped in shock, "Oh come on. You'll definitely be joining them soon. Anyway, for now, you guys will be my company. Wait, are you guys?"
Bending my head slightly to check their, y'know, genitals, it occured to me how ridiculous I was being. I was in the middle of the woods, with two huge wolves that seem strangely friendly, checking to see if they were guys. I stopped myself midway and shook my head. "Katherine, you freak. You're invading on their privacy."
Now I'm not one to talk to myself. I keep most of my thoughts in my head. But I figured that since it was only the wolves and I here in the woods, why not try something totally ridiculous that I've never done before? Besides, no one's going to hear me right?
Right.
Have you ever felt completely safe and yet so vulnerable at the same time?
Because at that moment, as I stood there, that was how I felt. I looked into the wolf's eyes, the same wolf from in the woods when I first found out I was lost, the same wolf that had taken a step towards me, the same wolf that had howled, the wolf that scared the crap out of me, that very wolf, and momentarily, I forgot about everything. About the flawless hikers behind me, the dangerous (not anymore, apparently) pack of huge wolves, my mother, Uncle Jack's warnings, my father, Daniel, everything. All I could think about was that russet wolf. I barely noticed that the hikers behind me had left. That wolf was all I saw, all I knew.
It was strange. While I had been enticed previously by that hiker, I now felt completely drawn to the wolf. At the back of my mind, it registered that it had taken a step forward. But I completely ignored the warnings and instead of being sensible, I placed my right foot in front of my left, and then drew my left foot to where my right was. Unable to stop, my left foot followed suit, and my right then repeated the action. It felt unnatural, but yet so right. It was as if my limbs were all suddenly attached to strings, and some gigantic four year old girl was controlling me from above. My mind was telling me to run, trying so desperately to stop my legs, but it was no match for the four year old. She continued to pull and maneuver the many different strings, and in a blink of an eye, I found myself standing right in front of the wolf.
His face was mere inches from mine, and inhaling, I took in his smell. The smell of woods, that same musky smell in Uncle Jack's car. The smell that made me feel warm and at home. His eyes were a dark brown, and I found myself unable to draw my gaze away from them. They seemed to hold so much in them, and I could have stared in them all day. The 4 year old pulled on a different string, and I found myself stretching out my right hand, reaching for the beautiful russet wolf.
It was a strange feeling; the comfort and security of being close to a wolf, and the vulnerability of allowing myself to have gotten so close. My body felt normal but yet, it felt like this was unnatural- it hadn't been me who told myself to walk forward and reach for the wolf, but I had at the same time willed myself to do so. I felt so drawn to this wolf, like as if it were more than just that. And I still couldn't shake that familiarity off, like I had seen it before. Somewhere.
We stared at each other, not once breaking eye contact. While my breaths were quick and rapid, the wolf's was calm and deep. My arm continued inching forward, and I took a deep breath, anticipating what it's fur would feel-
"Chark!"
For a moment, as I gained back my sense, time seemed to stop. My hand froze in midair, and the breath I was taking stuck in my throat, and everything was still.
Then, as if the 4 year old had pressed 'resume', I whipped my head to look at the source of the noise, as did all the other wolves. Coming face to face with a wolf (well another one), I frowned. Had it sneezed? Yeah, okay. I suppose that's natural.
Telling myself that I was just being paranoid, I turned my head back, and when I blinked, I found my face directly in front of the russet wolf's. It seemed to be glaring at the wolf that had sneezed (or maybe it was just me being paranoid, again). It took me a while to realise it, but when I finally took in my still outstretched arm and my extreme close proximity with the wolf, I took in a breath sharply and withdrew my hand, taking a huge step back.
Immediately all the wolves turned to look at me, and if I had been a different situation, I probably would have laughed at how funny and synchronised that scene was. But as it turns out, I wasn't, and I did the only thing I could think of. I turned and started to run. I took a step, and another, the strings that had once controlled me seemingly cut loose. But then the wolf barked- that same russet wolf. It was funny how I could already tell it was his bark. The four year old held the strings once again, and stopped me from moving. Slowly, I turned my head around, and saw that the russet wolf had taken another step forward and had bent its head so low, it looked like it was trying to lick the dirt off the leaf below him. The wolf whined, and I had a sudden urge to run over and hug it.
Katherine, snap out of it. It's a wolf.
As I kept running those words through my head, I turned my body around completely so that I was, once again, facing the wolves. I looked around at all of them and noted that there were less wolves present than there were before. Great. So now, the wolves were going to leave me too.
Was I really going to have to spend the rest of my life out here? Well, I could always marry that russet wolf. Laughing at how absurd the idea was, I failed to notice the rest of the wolves slowly filing out.
Eventually, I stopped laughing like an idiot, and realised that there were only two wolves left. A dark silver* wolf, and the russet wolf. The dark silver wolf was slightly bigger than the russet one, and it registered in my mind that the dark silver wolf was the one that had sneezed.
"Well, wolves. It's just you and me at this point. You're probably going to leave me soon to join your pack-"
I was cut off by a loud bark emitting from the russet wolf, and I jumped in shock, "Oh come on. You'll definitely be joining them soon. Anyway, for now, you guys will be my company. Wait, are you guys?"
Bending my head slightly to check their, y'know, genitals, it occured to me how ridiculous I was being. I was in the middle of the woods, with two huge wolves that seem strangely friendly, checking to see if they were guys. I stopped myself midway and shook my head. "Katherine, you freak. You're invading on their privacy."
Now I'm not one to talk to myself. I keep most of my thoughts in my head. But I figured that since it was only the wolves and I here in the woods, why not try something totally ridiculous that I've never done before? Besides, no one's going to hear me right?
Right.
♠ ♠ ♠
*Well from what I read, Paul's a dark silver wolf. BUT if that's me misreading the book or me being extremely stupid and getting it wrong, go easy on me, but do tell me so that I can change it. :]AND LOL. I had to wait around my dog, hoping he'd sneeze and then try and type out the sound that he made. I know it's dumb (chark), but I swear that's how my dog sounds when he sneezes. And yes, for those of you who didn't get it, 'chark' is Paul sneezing.