I Smoked Pot And Nobody Died

We woke up inhumanely early, according to Tom, so that we could be back to the city for the afternoon.
I was going to work and escorting the band to a club that night, and Tom was going to give up his sick act and join them.

''Do we have everything?'' Tom asked, his hand on the lid of the trunk.

''Yup, catch!'' I tossed him a bottle of water and then a second one. He put them in the car as I locked the door to my parents' cottage.

''I really don't want to go back.'' He said as I waked back towards him. I put a hand on the side of his face.

''You said yourself; someone would notice if we didn't go back.''

''I know. We have to do this again; this weekend was amazing.'' He gently kissed my lips, lingering there for a moment.

''Definitely.'' I said before Tom opened my door for me.

After I was in, he hurried around to his side and got in. he started the car and the engine purred. Tom looked at me with one eyebrow cocked and I laughed a bit.

As we drove, neither of us really spoke save for the odd direction clarification, but nothing needed to be said. Silence was perfect.

Out of nowhere, Tom reached over and took my hand, lacing his fingers with mine. He smiled at me and I retuned it. The whole gesture, however seemingly insignificant it was, made my heart beat faster and the butterflies that had taken up a permanent residence in my stomach when I was with Tom go crazy.

He was stoking the back of my hand with his thumb. It was such a loving gesture and it made me think.

After the other night when Tom had told me he loved me and I had given him a simple 'thank you', my unprofessed love for him had gotten even stronger. It was like, because I hadn't said anything, hadn't told him how I felt, my feelings had purposely gotten harder to repress. It was like they were punishing me for not telling him.

This strengthening of my feelings, this punishment from my subconscious, made me question whether or not I'd done the right thing the other night. Was not telling Tom I loved him the right thing?

From where I was standing, there were two sides, as there usually are in these situations.

On one hand, there was the fact that I knew that if I told Tom I loved him, made my feelings real by speaking hem, I was never going to be able to marry Michael. If I didn't marry Michael, my parents would freak out, disown me, and I'd be miserable for the rest of my life.

On the other hand, if I had told Tom that I loved him, we would have lived in bliss for a month or so. But then my wedding would strike and I would no longer be able to keep the fact that I was engaged a secret. Tom would find out and be utterly crushed, at which point I would become miserable because I had made him miserable.

It really was a lose-lose situation; either way I was going to be miserable. At least by not telling him though, the misery I would feel when I broke his heart by telling him that I was engaged would pass. If I lost my family…that was forever.

I wouldn't dare say that I thought I'd done the right thing though, because I hadn't. There really was no right thing to do in this situation.

''Jules?'' Tom said suddenly, pulling me from my train of thought.

''Yea?''

''I'm sorry.'' He said and I rolled my eyes to hide the pulling on my heart.

''Will you stop that? I told you; you didn't do anything wrong.''

''I know we've been all playful about it, but the look on your face just now was the same as it was the other night. I was afraid that you might be thinking about it and-'' could he read my mind or something?

''I wasn't, I'm just disappointed that we have to go back.'' I told him.

''Oh.''

''Why do you keep apologizing anyway?'' I asked.

''You'll think it's dumb.'' He said and I furrowed my eyebrows.

''No I wont.'' I assured him.

''Yea you will, cause it sounds dumb to me.'' Tom wasn't looking at me; he was staring intently out the windshield.

''I wont think it's dumb.''

''Then it wont make sense. It hardly makes sense to me.'' he told me.

''I promise I wont find it dumb. Please Tom.'' I squeezed his hand and he let out a breath. He pulled onto the shoulder and stopped.

''It doesn't make sense because I've never felt this way before. It'll sound dumb coming from me.''

''What is it?'' I asked softly, still squeezing his hand. He squeezed back.

''I keep apologizing because I'm so scared of loosing you.'' Tom's eyes locked with mine.

My tear ducts stung, my heart felt like it was playing the role of all five moles in a pro whack-a-mole tournament. Why was he so good to me when I couldn't be as good to him?

I put one hand on the side of his face, not moving my eyes from his. I pressed my lips to his.

''I'm not going anywhere fast.''