I Smoked Pot And Nobody Died

The night before the party, I decided that I was going to have to give in and pick out a dress. I hated wearing dresses or skirts; I didn't like the draft. I had suggested wearing a suit to my wedding and my mother tried to slap me.

So I was in my room, trying on different party dresses that I had accumulated over the years. Michael was sitting on my bed, giving a verdict on each one.

''What about this one?'' I asked, stepping out of my closet in a blue dress.

''If we were going to a flashback to the era of ugly then I would let you wear it.'' Michael said and I rolled my eyes.

I unzipped the dress and tossed it to Michael. He had a lovely little reject pile going beside him.

I pulled on a green dress that could only be described as a mermaid costume minus the tail. I could hardly walk. Michael only needed to raise his eyebrows to confirm that it was a no.

''Ugh! I hate this! Why can't I just wear jeans? I don't understand that! If I ever have a big swanky party, pants are an acceptable option for girls got it?'' I said to Michael as I ripped the dress off.

''For being such a dress-hating tomboy, you have a hell of a lot of dresses.'' He noted as I tossed it to him.

''I went to four different proms and attended an unreasonable amount of black tie affairs with all the stuffy old men I worked for.'' I told him.

''Why not wear the same dress, or like, two?''

''Sometimes, I swear it's like you haven't known my mom your whole life.''

I pulled on another dress and stepped out of my closet. I groaned loudly and collapsed on my bed when Michael shook his head.

''How are you ever going to pick out a wedding dress?'' he laughed.

''Alone.'' I told him.

''That one makes you look like a platypus.'' He said and I rolled my eyes as I headed back to my closet.

As I stepped into the hundredth dress of the evening, I stopped, lost in my thoughts.

''Michael?'' I said, stepping out of the closet while holding up my half-on dress.

''Yea?'' he replied, furrowing his eyebrows at my now serious expression.

''Do you ever think that, maybe we're not doing the right thing? That we're too afraid of our parents?'' I asked.

''We're terrified of our parents for good reason,'' he assured me. ''As far as doing the right thing goes though, I wonder that a lot, especially when you come home from a date with Tom, or his name comes up on your phone.''

''Do you ever not want to get married? Like, want to tell our parents to shove it?'' I asked and he chuckled.

''Jules, I'm only in this as long as you are. You say the word and I'm out too. We can face the music together.'' Michael promised.

''But that's the thing, I don't want to face the music. I don't want my parents to be disappointed with me.'' I told him.

''I'm right there with you. We're in this together. Best friends first.''

''Husband and wife second.'' I finished with a smile.

''You can't wear that.'' Michael suddenly jumped back to the topic of my dress.

''I thought it was kind of cute.''

''You look like my grandmother on Sunday.'' He said and I laughed.

''Can't wear this, got it.''

I was down to the last two dresses in my closet and was hoping that one of them would work. I really didn't have the capacity to dress shop the day before a party, and I definitely didn't need anymore of them.

''I'm wearing jeans, that's it, I give up.'' I said as I wrestled off the grandmother dress.

''What do you even care so much? I know it's your boss, but you're really trying.''

''Because I told Tom I was wearing a dress and it got him all hot and bothered.''

''Why don't you just go naked? I'm sure he'd love that.'' Michael laughed.

''Yea, so would-'' I stopped mid-sentence when a harsh realization hit me in the face like a speeding train.

My eyes were wide and my mouth fell open as I realized just what was going to happen tomorrow night.

I had known all along that both Tom and Michael were going to be there, but it was only now that I was putting together the pieces of me imminent demise. Tomorrow night, Tom was going to be there. Tomorrow night, Michael was going to be there…as my fiancé. I was up shit creek and my paddle had just floated off.

''Oh my god,'' I said, pushing my closet door open. ''Tom's going to be there tomorrow night.'' Michael stared at me quizzically.

''I though we'd already established that.''

''And you're going to be there, as my fiancé.''

''And?''

''And I haven't told him about you yet.'' I mumbled.

''You haven't what?'' Michael boomed. Here we go again.

''I didn't want to hurt him, or put him off of me so I kind of omitted the fact that I'm engaged to you.'' I said, staring at the floor.

''What is wrong with you?''

''I don't know!'' I whined and fell to the floor, leaning against the wall.

''Well, he had to find out at some point right?'' Michael said optimistically.

''Yea, but this is going to be the most brutal sucker punch to the heart of his life! There'll be all the security guys, who know we're engaged, and my boss, who knows we're engaged. And then there's all the rest of the band, who don't know I'm with Tom, all wondering who you are at which point I'll have to introduce you, publicly, as my fiancé. I'm going to kill him.'' I stared wide-eyed at nothing as images of tomorrow night danced around my head.

''You brought this one on yourself.'' Michael shrugged.

''Not helping.'' I groaned, covering my eyes.

''Sorry.''

''This is great, just freaking great.''

It was then that I realized that my life was officially over. Tell my mother she's a hag.