Book That Ends With No Last Page
21
~~~~~~~~ 1 YEAR LATER~~~~~~~~
I haven't had a decent amount of sleep for a little over a month. A month and 8 days to be exact.
A month and 8 days ago I gave birth to my baby girl Lillian Olivia O'Callaghan.
"There there baby girl" I said as I picked up my crying baby from her crib and bounced gently as I patted her back, trying to stop her screaming.
I should have went and stayed with my parents. I need help. All Lilly does is cry, eat, and spit up.
As I patted her back gently, her screaming calmed a little.
"Want your bottle?" I asked her with a yawn as I cradled her in my arms.
"Lets go get your bottle" I said gently as she was no longer screaming but crying.
I walked down the stairs slowly as Lilly buried her little head in my chest.
I held her tightly to me as I grabbed one of her bottles that had milk in it already from the fridge. I put it in the microwave to warm it and swung side to side gently as I cradled her and she was only sobbing. Thank God. Truth be told, I could no longer take the screaming.
I needed John. I needed my husband. I was scared this was going to happen.
I haven't seen him close to three months now. He wasn't even there for the birth of our first daughter. He was half way across the country, on stage, singing his heart out as I gave birth.
That little promise I made him promise me stood. The promise where he would put the band first no matter what.
I was 7 months pregnant when John left me. Oh boy did he not want to go. The tour was only supposed to be a month, but then they had them join another tour right after. I told John his promises meant the world to me so he couldn't cancel out on the band for me. He was mad beyond belief. But he didn't want to argue with his pregnant wife. Besides he knew I would win anyway.
As I waited for the bottle to be done, Lilly was starting to cry again. I wanted the microwave to ding already.
As soon as it did, I quickly grabbed the bottle and gave it to her.
She calmed down immediately and started sucking on the bottle.
I sighed. I wanted I wanted John, Lilly hasn't even met her father yet.
I knew it killed him. Not seeing his baby. He was depressed every time I talked to him.
He wanted to see his baby girl more then anything. Shes been in this world for a month now and he hasn't even seen his first daughter.
The thing that pissed John off the most though is Jonathan and Kyle both have met Lilly already. Hell Kyle was at the hospital the whole night as I was in labor. John complained saying it wasn't fair how they saw her before him. But the boys were leaving for tour anyway and really wanted to see her before they left.
I really did feel bad for John. I talked to Pat and he said all John does is stare at the picture I sent him of Lilly. He said John talks about her all the time. How he wants to hold her, be the one to put her to sleep, kiss her before bed, and make her giggle. Pat said John misses me like crazy and wants us to just be a family already.
It makes me sad. I hate John not helping me raise Lilly as it is. But the band is important. Its his dream. As much as he says its not that important, I can see right through his little lie.
I kissed the top of my little girls head and just watched as she drank her milk.
I loved her more then anything. She was mine and johns beautiful baby.
Even though I haven't been happy lately, I sill loved her and was happy I had her.
Ive just been sad about my life turning out the way I was scared of it turning out.
But what did I expect? I married a musician
I felt like a single parent. Truth be told, I hated talking to John on the phone too. I just wanted to talk to him in person, and thats it.
Sometimes I don't even pick up on him. And then when he asks why I didn't, I just say I was at the store getting diapers. And then he would say I get diapers a lot. Yeah, I don't answer a lot.
Sometimes I lay awake starring at Lilly's crib, thats right next to my bed, thinking about John. Sometimes I worry I don't love him as much anymore. You would think having his baby would bring us much closer, like the first tie I got pregnant, but this time its the exact opposite.
I just want him to come back and meet and help with his daughter. Not as much to see me. Just help with Lilly.
"Lets get back to bed" I said to Lilly and walked out of the kitchen and upstairs.
I walked into mine and Johns room, that was temporarily Lilly's too until she was ready to be in her room.
I put Lilly in her crib and kissed her for head and watched as she sucked on her bottle and closed her eyes. I smiled as I put her little stuffed pink giraffe that Kyle had got her, and gave to her the day she was born, next to her.
I crawled into my bed and snuggled under the covers.
I layed on my side and couldn't even close my eyes. I just stared at my night stand. I haven't slept in days and it was like I no longer needed any sleep.
I stared at the phone lying on my night stand
After a few seconds I grabbed it and dialed his number, not caring how late it was.
"Hey Addison" He said sleepily but I could trace a smile on his voice
"John" Was the only thing I could get out before I started sobbing.
"I'm sorry" he said calmly. He knew exactly what was wrong
"John, I'm worried" I cried, and then remembered Lilly was sleeping and lowered my voice to a whisper and cried lowly.
"Whats wrong?"he asked concerned.
"I don't know how much I love you any More" I whispered as I layed back down and hugged the phone to my ear.
"Addison, please don't say that, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for not being with you, I'm sorry for not helping with Lillian, I'm sorry I ever made you that promise" He said quietly.
"I don't know John"I cried.
"I love you more then life" He said still quiet.
"I don't like being alone. This was what I feared. Raising our child alone. I love Lilly, but John, we should have waited, I cant do this alone"
"You wont. Ill be home in a week and a half.
"Yeah but for how long? We made a mistake. We shouldn't have gotten married, and you shouldn't have gotten me pregnant."I whispered as I still cried. Saying this stuff made me sad, but it was how I felt.
"You may think that but I don't"He whispered.
"What are we going to do John?" I asked with a sniffle.
"I'm not giving you up" He said and I could just tell he was shaking his head
"I don't want you to"I whispered
"I love you Addison. I love Lillian. I want us three to be together"
"Me too" I said as I turned so I was facing Lilly's crib
"We'll make this work. I promise."He said confidently.
"I love you John" Just talking to him and hearing him say he loved me more then anything and didn't want to give me up, mad me want him more then ever. He was my world. Whether I thought I loved him less or not. What was I thinking? loving him less? Thats impossible.
"I love hearing that" He said with a sigh
"I think I thought I loved you less because I'm depressed and I want to blame you. But I shouldn't. If there's anyone to blame its me. I'm the one that made you go."
"No Addison, just don't blame yourself for anything. So do you still love me?" He asked hopeful
"I always will" I said wiping the tears on my face.
"Thats what I wanted to hear" he said softly and then yawned
"You can go back to sleep, I'm okay" I said with a light laugh." Just a mini break down"
"No its fine, I'm awake now"
"Well so is Lilly, I think she needs more milk." I said as I got out of bed, still holding the phone to my ear as I went to go check on our crying baby.
I haven't had a decent amount of sleep for a little over a month. A month and 8 days to be exact.
A month and 8 days ago I gave birth to my baby girl Lillian Olivia O'Callaghan.
"There there baby girl" I said as I picked up my crying baby from her crib and bounced gently as I patted her back, trying to stop her screaming.
I should have went and stayed with my parents. I need help. All Lilly does is cry, eat, and spit up.
As I patted her back gently, her screaming calmed a little.
"Want your bottle?" I asked her with a yawn as I cradled her in my arms.
"Lets go get your bottle" I said gently as she was no longer screaming but crying.
I walked down the stairs slowly as Lilly buried her little head in my chest.
I held her tightly to me as I grabbed one of her bottles that had milk in it already from the fridge. I put it in the microwave to warm it and swung side to side gently as I cradled her and she was only sobbing. Thank God. Truth be told, I could no longer take the screaming.
I needed John. I needed my husband. I was scared this was going to happen.
I haven't seen him close to three months now. He wasn't even there for the birth of our first daughter. He was half way across the country, on stage, singing his heart out as I gave birth.
That little promise I made him promise me stood. The promise where he would put the band first no matter what.
I was 7 months pregnant when John left me. Oh boy did he not want to go. The tour was only supposed to be a month, but then they had them join another tour right after. I told John his promises meant the world to me so he couldn't cancel out on the band for me. He was mad beyond belief. But he didn't want to argue with his pregnant wife. Besides he knew I would win anyway.
As I waited for the bottle to be done, Lilly was starting to cry again. I wanted the microwave to ding already.
As soon as it did, I quickly grabbed the bottle and gave it to her.
She calmed down immediately and started sucking on the bottle.
I sighed. I wanted I wanted John, Lilly hasn't even met her father yet.
I knew it killed him. Not seeing his baby. He was depressed every time I talked to him.
He wanted to see his baby girl more then anything. Shes been in this world for a month now and he hasn't even seen his first daughter.
The thing that pissed John off the most though is Jonathan and Kyle both have met Lilly already. Hell Kyle was at the hospital the whole night as I was in labor. John complained saying it wasn't fair how they saw her before him. But the boys were leaving for tour anyway and really wanted to see her before they left.
I really did feel bad for John. I talked to Pat and he said all John does is stare at the picture I sent him of Lilly. He said John talks about her all the time. How he wants to hold her, be the one to put her to sleep, kiss her before bed, and make her giggle. Pat said John misses me like crazy and wants us to just be a family already.
It makes me sad. I hate John not helping me raise Lilly as it is. But the band is important. Its his dream. As much as he says its not that important, I can see right through his little lie.
I kissed the top of my little girls head and just watched as she drank her milk.
I loved her more then anything. She was mine and johns beautiful baby.
Even though I haven't been happy lately, I sill loved her and was happy I had her.
Ive just been sad about my life turning out the way I was scared of it turning out.
But what did I expect? I married a musician
I felt like a single parent. Truth be told, I hated talking to John on the phone too. I just wanted to talk to him in person, and thats it.
Sometimes I don't even pick up on him. And then when he asks why I didn't, I just say I was at the store getting diapers. And then he would say I get diapers a lot. Yeah, I don't answer a lot.
Sometimes I lay awake starring at Lilly's crib, thats right next to my bed, thinking about John. Sometimes I worry I don't love him as much anymore. You would think having his baby would bring us much closer, like the first tie I got pregnant, but this time its the exact opposite.
I just want him to come back and meet and help with his daughter. Not as much to see me. Just help with Lilly.
"Lets get back to bed" I said to Lilly and walked out of the kitchen and upstairs.
I walked into mine and Johns room, that was temporarily Lilly's too until she was ready to be in her room.
I put Lilly in her crib and kissed her for head and watched as she sucked on her bottle and closed her eyes. I smiled as I put her little stuffed pink giraffe that Kyle had got her, and gave to her the day she was born, next to her.
I crawled into my bed and snuggled under the covers.
I layed on my side and couldn't even close my eyes. I just stared at my night stand. I haven't slept in days and it was like I no longer needed any sleep.
I stared at the phone lying on my night stand
After a few seconds I grabbed it and dialed his number, not caring how late it was.
"Hey Addison" He said sleepily but I could trace a smile on his voice
"John" Was the only thing I could get out before I started sobbing.
"I'm sorry" he said calmly. He knew exactly what was wrong
"John, I'm worried" I cried, and then remembered Lilly was sleeping and lowered my voice to a whisper and cried lowly.
"Whats wrong?"he asked concerned.
"I don't know how much I love you any More" I whispered as I layed back down and hugged the phone to my ear.
"Addison, please don't say that, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for not being with you, I'm sorry for not helping with Lillian, I'm sorry I ever made you that promise" He said quietly.
"I don't know John"I cried.
"I love you more then life" He said still quiet.
"I don't like being alone. This was what I feared. Raising our child alone. I love Lilly, but John, we should have waited, I cant do this alone"
"You wont. Ill be home in a week and a half.
"Yeah but for how long? We made a mistake. We shouldn't have gotten married, and you shouldn't have gotten me pregnant."I whispered as I still cried. Saying this stuff made me sad, but it was how I felt.
"You may think that but I don't"He whispered.
"What are we going to do John?" I asked with a sniffle.
"I'm not giving you up" He said and I could just tell he was shaking his head
"I don't want you to"I whispered
"I love you Addison. I love Lillian. I want us three to be together"
"Me too" I said as I turned so I was facing Lilly's crib
"We'll make this work. I promise."He said confidently.
"I love you John" Just talking to him and hearing him say he loved me more then anything and didn't want to give me up, mad me want him more then ever. He was my world. Whether I thought I loved him less or not. What was I thinking? loving him less? Thats impossible.
"I love hearing that" He said with a sigh
"I think I thought I loved you less because I'm depressed and I want to blame you. But I shouldn't. If there's anyone to blame its me. I'm the one that made you go."
"No Addison, just don't blame yourself for anything. So do you still love me?" He asked hopeful
"I always will" I said wiping the tears on my face.
"Thats what I wanted to hear" he said softly and then yawned
"You can go back to sleep, I'm okay" I said with a light laugh." Just a mini break down"
"No its fine, I'm awake now"
"Well so is Lilly, I think she needs more milk." I said as I got out of bed, still holding the phone to my ear as I went to go check on our crying baby.
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