Goodbye Blues

Joy was tucked in bed, dressed her night-gown, her spilling over the pillows as she looked towards the ceiling. She was thinking, as she always was, but this time about change.

Was change positive or negative? Always in her mind, change had been a horrible thing. Often for the worse, people would go through phases; denying the change, being rude to feel comfortable with the morbidly slow process and finally accepting the horrid new being that had overtaken them.

But now, it was clear in her eyes that she had changed herself. She became a monster when she was put in the center, after Kevin died. She became cold-hearted to the ones that she loved and warm-hearted to the oh so very youthful; she wanted what they had - a start at life. She wanted another chance.

But the realization hit hard when it came to the conclusion that this was her life and she only had two choices: strike out and be a sore loser or be happy with the highlights of the game and congratulate yourself for them.

As she was laying her in bed, her eyes slowly closing without her permission, Joy was a sore loser. But she decided she'd take small steps to happiness.

___________________

After ten minutes of crying in Greta's arms, the musicians began filing back into their buses. Joy wiped her eyes and blew her nose before Chris, Bob or Darren could see her in the messy state she was in.

The next few hours of driving were calming. After changing into pajamas, her clothes from the night before, wrinkled, Joy spent it eating Greta's leftovers from breakfast, skipping lunch to avoid everyone's cruel jokes and reading.

Feeling awfully homesick as Chris, Darren, Bob and Greta were working their songs for another full-length album, Joy texted her mother saying sweetly, 'I miss you.'

As she lazily flipped through the pages of a magazine, Joy felt her phone vibrate in her hand. A smile formed on her lips as she checked the text message from her mother. 'I miss you more, sweetie pie. How's tour?'

'Horrible. I feel like I don't fit in, like I'm just in the way of everyone's talent and not worth their time. I don't get it though, they all make me feel like I'm welcomed.'

Joy's mother took no time to respond. A vibrate came a minute later that brought tears to Joy's just-healing eyes. 'It's your own fault. Joy, honey, you've always done this. You've excluded yourself from groups of people that you feel you're not good enough for and brought yourself down for it. But baby, the truth of the matter is, you're just as good - maybe even better - than them.'

Joy's thumbs quickly typed her feelings as tears fell from her cheeks onto her pillow. 'Thanks, mom. I love you so much. I'm going to try to stop this bad habit.'

'I love you, too, dear. And tell Christopher I miss him and love him also.'

'Will do, mommy. I'll talk to you later,' Joy sent the text just as the bus stopped. She set her phone down as loud conversing came from the living room from The Hush Sound.

"We have sound check in five minutes, come on," Greta's sweet voice said as she walked towards her bunk and grabbed some things. Joy could see her shadow through the curtain as another joined it.

"Okay, okay. What about Joy?" Chris said in response as he also grabbed some thing from his own bunk and shoved them into the pockets of his dark blue jeans. His voice was filled with worry and care, making Joy quickly wipe her eyes and poke her head out of the bunk.

"I'll be right out. I need to get ready first," She said, smiling. Chris looked at her, a smile forming on his lips. He leaned down a little and kissed her forehead affectionately before nodding and walking out with Bob and Darren. "It's obvious he knows."

"Yeah, I think Brendon told him," Greta said as she fiddled with some things in her bunk. She didn't make eye contact with Joy but Greta knew Joy wanted an explanation so she went on, "He told a lot of people on the tour, actually. He was really mad during lunch. But I'm sure he's cooled down."

By the last sentence, Greta was looking down at her friend with sorrowful eyes. But Joy shrugged off the unwanted sympathy and rolled her eyes. She questioned as she slid out of the bunk, "So I'm guessing everyone's had enough time to make up some nasty dick sucking joke about me."

"Probably," Greta said bluntly. Joy shot her a look. "But I'll be right by your side with witty come backs about their sappy, 14-year-old fan-girl music."

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Joy walked into the venue building's dressing room, armed with cold eyes. She was dressed in an old, black Doors tee-shirt, black, skin-tight skinny jeans and cheetah print flip flops. Her hair was up in a ponytail, her bangs falling flat across her forehead and a cheetah print headband topped it off perfectly.

"Hey, Joy, where you been?" Andy Horst asked nicely from the couch. Everyone's head turned to look at the missing girl. Joy watched as some guys looked towards each other, some whipped out their phones and other just kindly forced smiles in her direction.

"Sleeping," Joy muttered as she walked towards Greta, who wrapped her arms around her in a hug when she was beside her. The guys watched the nice embrace and nodded kindly, looking down or around the room, away from Joy.

Brendon, Joy knew, was just finishing sound check along with Fall Out Boy and they'd be parading in any minute. The sick feeling in her stomach hadn't vanished, only grew, when she heard the footsteps of all the guys from down the hall, the laughter almost taunting her.

As they walked in, Joy avoided eye contact and kept the conversation with Greta going strong. As she looked at her friend, Joy felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around to see Brendon. His eyes looked soft with sadness, confusing the small girl as she turned her full attention towards him.

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" Brendon asked as politely as he could. The hand that rested on Joy's shoulder shot up to the back of his neck and he rubbed it awkwardly as Joy glanced back at Greta. Unhelpfully, she shrugged.

"Uh, sure," Joy said. Brendon nodded and turned around, walking out of the dressing room. Unwillingly against her own self, she followed and stood before him in the hallway. She looked him up and down before meeting his eyes, noting his clothing.

Dressed in a plain light grey shirt, Brendon stuffed his hands in his dark blue, black belted skinny jeans. He looked down at his black vans before his eyes, clear behind his thick framed glasses, looked at Joy. "I wanted to say sorry."

Joy bit her lip. She wanted to yell at him, scream and say that it wasn't his place to tell everyone what had happened between her and Oliver. But at the same time, she had a lot to be sorry about herself. So she shrugged and put her thumbs in the front pockets of her skinny jeans. "Yeah, I'm sorry too."

Brendon didn't pause to think about Joy's apology twice. He just went on explaining, "I was still mad at lunch and I let my big mouth take over. I feel really bad about it and I know it really wasn't my place to go around yelling about your personal life. I just hope you'll forgive me."

Joy shrugged a little and looked down the hall as crew members from all bands grabbed guitars and walked about in and out of rooms. She didn't want to see the sympathy in his eyes, she didn't want to hear the sorrow in his voice. All she wanted was, now, for last night to disappear. But she had to say something.

"Yeah."

Brendon watched as Joy glanced at him before she walked back into the dressing room, making sure they didn't touch at all. He stood there a moment, feeling absolutely horrible. But after a deep sigh, he walked in, avoiding eye contact.

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Joy awoke from her deep slumber to sunlight shining through the curtains that she had forgotten to shut. Her eyes looked over the sunny sky that had been cloudy and cold yesterday, dark and gray.

A smile formed on the old lady's face as she got out of bed and walked over to her mirror. She sat down and grabbed her brush, letting it fall through her hair slowly as she thought of the subject that she had been thinking about before falling asleep: change.

Today was the first day of her experiment. Could she really change for the better?

____________________

"Knock, knock, breakfast," Donna came in with a tray of breakfast, expecting Joy to leave it where she set it down, next to the door on the dresser. "Good-morning Joy."

"Morning Donna," Joy said as she stood up from her bed and walked over to the tray of food. Not meeting the nurse's eyes, Joy took the food and walked over to her bed with it, setting it down and picking up the fork to pick away at what Donna had chosen for her.

Donna, stiff with shock, watched Joy as she ate her food. But quickly, a smile formed on her lips and her eyes brightened with hope. "Story time is in an hour, I hope you're ready."

"I am," Joy smiled at Donna before going back to her food. Donna watched for a moment as Joy ate before nodding to herself and walking out.

_____________________

An hour later, the girls were in a circle, back in their nice little blouses and jeans rather than huge coats and turtle necks. They surrounded the old lady who was smiling wide with a real tint of happiness. But of course, only Delilah would notice.

"The weather's nice today, isn't it, Joy?" Delilah asked as she leaned back on her hands, sitting Indian style. She admired the old lady as the sun hit her hair from behind. Joy looked at the blond little girl who was squinting to keep her eyes safe from the sun.

"It certainly is, Delilah," Joy said as she put her clasped hands in her lap. She looked over the playground of boys running around and sighed a little to herself.

"Yeah, yeah, cut the small talk, I want to hear the story," Jasmine said, pulling her sandwich out of the small plastic bag her mother had wrapped it in for her. Joy laughed a little before granting Jasmine's request and starting.

______________________

Joy did whatever she could to keep her distance from Brendon; leaving the room when he entered, sitting as far away from him at the tables for food would let her and always keeping conversation going with everyone else but him. This lasted for two solid weeks of tour and Joy was slowly starting to feel as if she wasn't minded with the people she was surrounded by.

Tour was an adventure that only you could make fun for yourself, she learned quickly. As the need to look at Brendon and please him faded, Joy's mind let her start having the fun she wanted. She enjoyed talking to everyone about different things and saw that she had a lot in common with most of the guys.

She also learned a lot sooner than she hoped that Brendon was a bigger sleaze than Oliver. Every night, he brought girls to his bunk or some room where ever they were hanging out and often got as far as he hoped. Young women across the country were getting to know him better than Joy did in a matter of hours. The only difference was that they'd probably never see him again.

The fact of the matter was, he was everything a girl wanted. A talented musician with good looks and all the right words. No one could resist him the moment he looked their way and flashed that pretty little vain smile known all too well.

For two weeks, Joy complained to Greta about this. Her words were sour as she spoke of him, glaring as if he were around. Conversations like this lasted for seconds, minutes and sometimes even hours. Joy wondered why Greta hadn't shrugged her off just yet but didn't think twice about it.

"I don't get it. Why do girls put themselves through that? He's shallow," Joy whined to Greta. They were on the bus at around 7 P.M., on the couch in their pajamas. Both girls were munching on popcorn, wearing their glasses but Greta was writing away in her lyric journal as Joy whined.

Interrupting the angered girl, Ryan came in, dressed in a light blue v-neck and blue faded skinny jeans. His hair was in his eyes and a smile rested on his lips as his eyes landed on Greta, who didn't even look up. "Hey girls."

Instantly, Joy blurted out in a rage, "Ryan, why is your best friend such a bastard?"

"Uh," Ryan stuttered, looking at Greta who had looked up finally, with wide eyes. He chuckled a little, nervously, and shrugged his shoulders. "Because he's a hunk?"

Joy snickered as she shoved her mouth with popcorn. Her eyes looked straight ahead, ignoring the looks Ryan and Greta were passing between each other of amusement and worry for the girl between them.

"Well, I came to ask if you wanted to come tonight. We're going to some party that Curtis Ward is hosting," Ryan said, shoving his hands in his pockets as he leaned against the door frame. Joy sighed. She learned, also, in these two weeks, adding onto the long list, that Andy Hurley was a good friend of all of Bring Me The Horizon. She was having a hard time coping with all the parties she was forced to go to, seeing Oliver around, flirting with so many different girls, but she dealt with it.

"Sure, why not? We have nothing better to do," Joy answered for them. As she shoved her face with more popcorn, she looked at Greta who shrugged and went back to finishing her thoughts in her lyric book.

"Awesome, be ready in like, forty five minutes," Ryan said before flashing a smile and walking out of the bus. Greta watched him leave before sighing and putting her glasses on the top of her head.

"Come on, chicky-poo, let's go get ready for this crazy night," Joy said sarcastically, immune to the parties now. Greta shook her head, rolling her eyes with a smile as they stood up and walked to the bunks.

Joy didn't know what she was really getting in.

______________________

Joy stopped, feeling the nurse's hand on her shoulder but no words passed Donna's lips. She smiled softly and said, "And the rest you'll hear tomorrow."

The girls groaned and moaned, packed their things and ran away just like always and Delilah, obviously, stayed behind. She walked up to Joy and without a word, wrapped her arms around Joy's neck.

As she pulled away a moment later, she whispered, "I like the new Joy a lot better."

"Me, too," Joy whispered back. Delilah and her exchanged smiles as goodbyes and went their separate ways, looking forward for tomorrow.

Both of them, though, were wondering the same thing: Would the new Joy be there tomorrow?