Love, Education and Other Life Stuff

My whole life so far has been rather good. Since my move into my new school, it all seemed to tear down. Before all this I had as many friends as I needed, everything I could want and never really cared about my relationships with others too much. This has changed. First of all, a whole group of my friends have all wanted me to 'fuck off' as I remember them saying. I've made new ones though which will, hopefully, stay loyal and truthful to me. My best friends are still with me, Ashley and Ben. Many of you may just think naturally from hearing the name Ashley that it's a girl. Nope, a boy infact. Besides this though, I think I may be getting further and further away from them in our friendship as time developes and explosions of depression cause us to not quite share our feelings.

New friends still. One of them though, Jessica, I have become to seem very close with and I am now able to tell everything to her. Even my feelings for her. Yes, it is true as my friends spread round in the school year, I love her. More than any other person I have in my life. She says though she doesn't want to go out with me because she would hate to 'ruin our friendship'. Ashley thinks this is a load of crap though and I think in some way I do too. I blow past it though, no matter how much it breaks my heart to. I don't quite think she understands it. She says many people 'fancy' her as a little child feeling to date her, but what she doesn't know is that I like her more than this, I love her more than anyone could.

My oldest friend I have known since we have been little babies seems to be getting a bit more oblivious of my existance too as others do. I tried to recently talk to him but all he really did was give me a smile and start to walk off. His name is Connor. Whenever he talks to his other friends of which I don't really know much about he doesn't really even think to include me in the conversation. Instead he justs carries on talking to them when I try to start communication with him. Even when he isn't talking or if he doesn't know what they are talking about he still ignores any noise I make towards his direction to get his attention. Me, Ashley and him used to all be great friends. Inseperable. I don't quite think they even like eachother at all now. They only possible coversation they have between eachother is telling one another to get away from being near them.

I hope this clears up still, my parents and family might help me. That would be if they knew. I seriously can't talk to them about anything that happens with relationships or in school to me. My family is rather large actually. Parents that are still together, a sister and two brothers. I'm the youngest though which I don't really mind, other than the fact that makes me feel that they are able to have conversations with eachother that I can't understand or with humor that is different from mine. I fear to make a joke or really show my true personallity to them as I fear they may think bad of me or look at me in a way as to say what the fuck are you talking about? Life is a bitch which I never understand. Why me though? I hate the depression I have knowing my relationships with others could either grow or more likely with me crumble. It's absolutely ridiculous. Why can't life be simple?