Sequel: Déjà vu ›
My Unintended
She failed you
I had tried to stay strong, for Michaela’s sake.
It wasn’t easy and just a week after I had broken down on the sofa with Frank, I felt like I couldn’t carry on.
One week without Melissa, one week without knowing where she was or what drugs she was high on had really taken its toll on my mind.
My mind felt like a sponge; soaking up problems and wringing them our at night while I dreamt. This made sleeping really hard. Between waking up to feed Michaela, I was having very vivid nightmares about Melissa.
I stared down at Michaela. She was a week old and I still couldn’t believe she was mine.
I had become obsessed with her.
I would sit there for hours with her sleeping in my arms and watch her. It was amazing how innocent she was, she didn’t have a care in the world. It felt like the year had been a lot longer than it already was. It was only 21st January and already my daughter was a week old.
I know I was never alone anymore, but at that moment in time I felt more alone than I had ever felt before and I desperately needed to escape that feeling.
I scooped Michaela up, wrapped her in a blanket and bundled her in my car. There was only one person in the world who could help me; my own mother.
*Time elapse*
“Mom, I feel like such a failure.” I confessed. She looked up at me from the other side of the kitchen table with a confused look on her face.
“Why?” She asked. I sighed into my coffee cup and lowered it from my face to the table with a loud thud.
“Melissa.” Just one word escaped from my mouth in a whisper.
It wasn’t the only thing that escaped me, though, tears fell from my eyes and I heard mom stand up and drag a chair next to me, putting a warm hand round my shoulders.
“Honey, why does Melissa make you feel like a failure?” She asked gently.
I cried into my hands for a moment before answering. I wiped my face and took a deep breath.
“I couldn’t even keep my family together long enough to actually be a family, mom. She walked away in November with my baby and went on a major freak-out.” I told her.
I had only told one person why Michaela had been born early or why I had got custody of her. That person wasn’t sitting in the same house as me. Frank was at school.
“As soon as I was out of her way she went partying, that’s why Michaela was born early. Mel had gotten drunk and took cannabis the night she went into labour.” I said, turning to face my mother. She looked at me, slightly shocked but I saw anger in her eyes.
“Who would do that, especially when they’re carrying a child?” Mom asked. Tears began to fall from my eyes again.
“Exactly, mom, I couldn’t protect my daughter from her. That’s why I got custody. Mel got it into her head that if we stayed together I would hold her back.”
“From what?”
“Partying whenever she wanted and coming home wasted. Mom, she couldn’t even look at Michaela after she was born.” I explained, sobbing. Mom rubbed my back and tried to calm me down.
“Then you deserve to have custody of that beautiful little girl.” My dad’s voice said from the doorway. I heard my mom stand up and heard whispers from the hallway. Mom came back and sat in her seat beside me.
“Honey, your father’s right. If she preferred to party than stay with you and her own child then you did nothing wrong. She tried to end it and you brought her back from the brink and she shoved it all back into your face. Gerard, it was her fault. She failed you.”
It didn’t matter how many times anyone said that to me, I still felt like a failure.
I had grown up with an image in my head of a father being happy and loving and someone who protects his child and the child’s mother.
In my eyes, I was the complete opposite of that.
Fair enough, I had taken in my daughter when her mother abandoned her in the hospital but Melissa was gone.
She was out there with her new boyfriend getting high and I did absolutely nothing.
My mind told me to go out there and bring Melissa back for Michaela’s sake.
At the same time, my heart told me to leave Melissa wherever she fell so she wouldn’t hurt Michaela anymore than she already had.
It wasn’t easy and just a week after I had broken down on the sofa with Frank, I felt like I couldn’t carry on.
One week without Melissa, one week without knowing where she was or what drugs she was high on had really taken its toll on my mind.
My mind felt like a sponge; soaking up problems and wringing them our at night while I dreamt. This made sleeping really hard. Between waking up to feed Michaela, I was having very vivid nightmares about Melissa.
I stared down at Michaela. She was a week old and I still couldn’t believe she was mine.
I had become obsessed with her.
I would sit there for hours with her sleeping in my arms and watch her. It was amazing how innocent she was, she didn’t have a care in the world. It felt like the year had been a lot longer than it already was. It was only 21st January and already my daughter was a week old.
I know I was never alone anymore, but at that moment in time I felt more alone than I had ever felt before and I desperately needed to escape that feeling.
I scooped Michaela up, wrapped her in a blanket and bundled her in my car. There was only one person in the world who could help me; my own mother.
*Time elapse*
“Mom, I feel like such a failure.” I confessed. She looked up at me from the other side of the kitchen table with a confused look on her face.
“Why?” She asked. I sighed into my coffee cup and lowered it from my face to the table with a loud thud.
“Melissa.” Just one word escaped from my mouth in a whisper.
It wasn’t the only thing that escaped me, though, tears fell from my eyes and I heard mom stand up and drag a chair next to me, putting a warm hand round my shoulders.
“Honey, why does Melissa make you feel like a failure?” She asked gently.
I cried into my hands for a moment before answering. I wiped my face and took a deep breath.
“I couldn’t even keep my family together long enough to actually be a family, mom. She walked away in November with my baby and went on a major freak-out.” I told her.
I had only told one person why Michaela had been born early or why I had got custody of her. That person wasn’t sitting in the same house as me. Frank was at school.
“As soon as I was out of her way she went partying, that’s why Michaela was born early. Mel had gotten drunk and took cannabis the night she went into labour.” I said, turning to face my mother. She looked at me, slightly shocked but I saw anger in her eyes.
“Who would do that, especially when they’re carrying a child?” Mom asked. Tears began to fall from my eyes again.
“Exactly, mom, I couldn’t protect my daughter from her. That’s why I got custody. Mel got it into her head that if we stayed together I would hold her back.”
“From what?”
“Partying whenever she wanted and coming home wasted. Mom, she couldn’t even look at Michaela after she was born.” I explained, sobbing. Mom rubbed my back and tried to calm me down.
“Then you deserve to have custody of that beautiful little girl.” My dad’s voice said from the doorway. I heard my mom stand up and heard whispers from the hallway. Mom came back and sat in her seat beside me.
“Honey, your father’s right. If she preferred to party than stay with you and her own child then you did nothing wrong. She tried to end it and you brought her back from the brink and she shoved it all back into your face. Gerard, it was her fault. She failed you.”
It didn’t matter how many times anyone said that to me, I still felt like a failure.
I had grown up with an image in my head of a father being happy and loving and someone who protects his child and the child’s mother.
In my eyes, I was the complete opposite of that.
Fair enough, I had taken in my daughter when her mother abandoned her in the hospital but Melissa was gone.
She was out there with her new boyfriend getting high and I did absolutely nothing.
My mind told me to go out there and bring Melissa back for Michaela’s sake.
At the same time, my heart told me to leave Melissa wherever she fell so she wouldn’t hurt Michaela anymore than she already had.