Sequel: Déjà vu ›
My Unintended
Comfort and Confessions
Frank had been amazing on Christmas day. He sat with me for hours while I cried, re-read the letter and constantly asked him if I really wasn’t a failure.
I don’t think I realised how deep my feelings still ran for Melissa until I read the letter. I still cared about what happened to her, of course I did, she was the mother of my daughter. It tore me up inside to know that she was still with the man who had given her the drugs on the night Michaela was born.
Frank helped me to see that she hadn’t meant to make me feel like this. She just needed closure. After a while, I began to see his point. This was her way of saying goodbye. For good.
It took me five days to get back to normal. I was reminded, quite a few times, by Bob that I had to get snap out of it before his birthday. Luckily, I did.
We all gathered at my place. When I was we all gathered, I mean everyone; me, Michaela, Frank, Mikey, Ray, Matt, Bob, my parents and Frank’s mom. We all rang in the new year together. It was great to look around the room and realise the end of a momentous year had come. Little did I realise, things weren’t about to change for the new year either.
*Time lapse*
“I’d end my days with you, in a hail of bullets.” I sang to Michaela. She was almost one and I still sat in her room every night with her, sometimes singing, sometimes reading or sometimes just talking. Tonight, I had chosen to sing. I was too tired to do anything else.
It was 3.18am on January 1st 2001. I wasn’t really in a talking mood; I just wanted to fall into my own bed beside Frank and sleep.
As I laid a sleeping Michaela down into her crib, I heard Frank move in the doorway. He had never heard me sing to Michaela before.
“That was brilliant!” He whispered and took my hand as I stumbled into our bedroom. I flopped onto the bed face down. My response was muffled by the pillow.
“Don’t start this again.” I mumbled. He had taken to asking me, regularly, to become the vocalist for Mikey, Ray and Matt’s band.
“I’m just saying. You’ve got all that talent, and you don’t even use it.” He replied and I felt him lay down beside me. I pulled my head up and looked at him through the darkness.
“I use my art.”
“Yeah, but that’s only been a recent thing. Your voice is amazing Gee, why won’t you just join the band? Even you said that had been one of your dreams.” He stated. Crap, he was right; he had just spoken the words that kept fluttering into my head every time I refused to join the band.
“You know what? You’re right Frank. It is my dream to join the band.” I said speaking truthfully.
“So why don’t you?”
“I think you know why.” I answered, moving my body so I was lying on my side and looking up at him.
“Gerard, why do you insist on stopping Michaela from letting you live your dreams?”
“I will pour my soul into the band and then we’ll get noticed at a small gig we play. Then what, Frank? We’ll get signed and go on tours. Then we’ll make records and go on even longer tours.”
“Gee, what-“I cut him off.
“Why can’t you understand Frank? I really want that, but I have to think of Michaela. I’ve seen the van Ray’s got, it’s a dump. Imagine if the band got big and we had to go touring in it? How could I do that to Michaela? How could I drag her across states in a smelly old van all day, every day?” I asked him.
“I really don’t know, Gee.”
“Exactly, I’d have to leave her behind. I love her so much I don’t think I would be able to leave her for weeks with my parents’ while we tour. It would break my heart not knowing what I’ve missed.” I answered and wriggled onto my back. Frank leant over me.
“Alright, Gee, you win.” He said. I smiled into the darkness as he placed his lips gently onto mine before lying down beside me with his arm over my stomach.
(A/N: Sorry 'bout the update. It's just a filler so you get a bit of insight into what's going through Gerard's mind. Big things to come...)
I don’t think I realised how deep my feelings still ran for Melissa until I read the letter. I still cared about what happened to her, of course I did, she was the mother of my daughter. It tore me up inside to know that she was still with the man who had given her the drugs on the night Michaela was born.
Frank helped me to see that she hadn’t meant to make me feel like this. She just needed closure. After a while, I began to see his point. This was her way of saying goodbye. For good.
It took me five days to get back to normal. I was reminded, quite a few times, by Bob that I had to get snap out of it before his birthday. Luckily, I did.
We all gathered at my place. When I was we all gathered, I mean everyone; me, Michaela, Frank, Mikey, Ray, Matt, Bob, my parents and Frank’s mom. We all rang in the new year together. It was great to look around the room and realise the end of a momentous year had come. Little did I realise, things weren’t about to change for the new year either.
*Time lapse*
“I’d end my days with you, in a hail of bullets.” I sang to Michaela. She was almost one and I still sat in her room every night with her, sometimes singing, sometimes reading or sometimes just talking. Tonight, I had chosen to sing. I was too tired to do anything else.
It was 3.18am on January 1st 2001. I wasn’t really in a talking mood; I just wanted to fall into my own bed beside Frank and sleep.
As I laid a sleeping Michaela down into her crib, I heard Frank move in the doorway. He had never heard me sing to Michaela before.
“That was brilliant!” He whispered and took my hand as I stumbled into our bedroom. I flopped onto the bed face down. My response was muffled by the pillow.
“Don’t start this again.” I mumbled. He had taken to asking me, regularly, to become the vocalist for Mikey, Ray and Matt’s band.
“I’m just saying. You’ve got all that talent, and you don’t even use it.” He replied and I felt him lay down beside me. I pulled my head up and looked at him through the darkness.
“I use my art.”
“Yeah, but that’s only been a recent thing. Your voice is amazing Gee, why won’t you just join the band? Even you said that had been one of your dreams.” He stated. Crap, he was right; he had just spoken the words that kept fluttering into my head every time I refused to join the band.
“You know what? You’re right Frank. It is my dream to join the band.” I said speaking truthfully.
“So why don’t you?”
“I think you know why.” I answered, moving my body so I was lying on my side and looking up at him.
“Gerard, why do you insist on stopping Michaela from letting you live your dreams?”
“I will pour my soul into the band and then we’ll get noticed at a small gig we play. Then what, Frank? We’ll get signed and go on tours. Then we’ll make records and go on even longer tours.”
“Gee, what-“I cut him off.
“Why can’t you understand Frank? I really want that, but I have to think of Michaela. I’ve seen the van Ray’s got, it’s a dump. Imagine if the band got big and we had to go touring in it? How could I do that to Michaela? How could I drag her across states in a smelly old van all day, every day?” I asked him.
“I really don’t know, Gee.”
“Exactly, I’d have to leave her behind. I love her so much I don’t think I would be able to leave her for weeks with my parents’ while we tour. It would break my heart not knowing what I’ve missed.” I answered and wriggled onto my back. Frank leant over me.
“Alright, Gee, you win.” He said. I smiled into the darkness as he placed his lips gently onto mine before lying down beside me with his arm over my stomach.
(A/N: Sorry 'bout the update. It's just a filler so you get a bit of insight into what's going through Gerard's mind. Big things to come...)