My Unintended

She had said she was sorry. And I believed her.

Me.

Gerard Way.

Heart of steel.

I had let someone into my life and loved them and she had just tried to take her own life. I believed her when she said she had loved me and wanted to keep my child. I had believed her when she said she was controlling her drinking problem. I had believed her when she said she would never do anything reckless again.

I rolled in at about 11 that night, which was quite early for me to be honest. It was Frank’s 18th birthday. I really regretted leaving, actually, it was just getting exciting. All we did was stay in at Frank’s house and sit around drinking and eating pizza, but it was better than nothing. As I was leaving, the alcohol was really taking its toll on Mikey and Frank and they were actually saying ‘trick or treat?’ to the people knocking on his door. I wanted to stay but I had to get back to Mel.

Don’t get me wrong, I hadn’t just got up and left her alone while I got drunk with the guys. She had her girly friends round and they were making the night all about Melissa. I don’t know what they did, probably watched a girly movie and did each others nails. Neither of us had spent quality time with our friends for a while, so it was nice to get out.

So anyway, I rolled in at 11. I wasn’t drunk, I was just merry.

“Baby!” I yelled, scooping Mel up in my arms and kissing her cheek as I entered the living room. She didn’t hug me back, which I thought was odd, so I put her down, ruffled her hair and went to the kitchen to make coffee.

“Don’t ‘baby’ me!” I heard her yell after me.

I stood beside the coffee maker and actually asked it what I had done wrong. It didn’t answer me, not that I was surprised really. So I just made my coffee and walked back to the living room to see Mel standing there with her arms folded shooting daggers at me.

I was so surprised I actually choked on my coffee. I didn’t have a clue what I had done wrong. I had promised her I would be back at around 11.30 and I had come home early.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, wiping the coffee from my chin. She raised her arms up and let them drop beside her. “Baby, what’s going on?” I asked, edging round her and putting my cup on the coffee table.

“You’re Bi!” She exclaimed.

“So? I told you that before we even got together.” I said, sitting on the sofa. She stood in front of me with her arms folded again.

“I didn’t actually realise that you did stuff with other guys.” She said loudly. I looked up at her, confused. I had told her all of this, she knew that Bi-sexual people liked both sexes.

“Yeah, you did, I told you that too.” I said, sighing loudly.

“Gerard, what’s your problem?” She yelled. I actually laughed, it was so funny.

“My problem?” I laughed again. “No, no, no. What’s your problem? I come home and you’re shouting about something I told you about 7 months ago!” I said, trying not to laugh again.

“I just want to know the truth, Gee!” She said, sitting beside me.

I instantly knew why she was questioning me like this, she stank of alcohol. It made me scared. The relief that she was shouting at me, rather than lying on the bathroom floor like she was 2 months ago, swept over me and I pulled her into my arms.

“What do you want to know?” I asked into her ear.

“How far have you gone with a man before?”

“What’s with the sudden interest?”

“I saw this TV show where this gay couple did…stuff…it scares me to think you’re with me, but you’re into that. How far have you gone before?” She asked again. I pulled away and stroked her cheek.

“Baby, why does it matter? I love you, I don’t want anyone else.” I said.

“Please, I just need to know…” She whispered.

I sat there for a moment, thinking. Does she really need to know the whole truth? I looked into her green eyes and sighed. Yes, she did. Being honest was one of the essential things needed for a relationship to work. I uttered 3 words;

“All the way.” She gasped and pulled away from me. My heart sank. I could hardly believe that after all of this time, after we spent the whole night discussing this, she was having second thoughts now. 6 months into her pregnancy with my child.

It was down-hill from then. She yelled at me for having sex with a man and then meeting her and having sex with her. I yelled back at her, she was being unreasonable, she knew exactly how I felt. She yelled some more and stormed upstairs to bed, making it very clear she didn’t want me anywhere near her that night. I tried to sleep on the sofa, but I was too confused about how I felt about her. I loved her, but if she was going to snipe all of the time about my past then I couldn’t stay with her. I wanted to stay with her and do what was right for her and the baby, but if she wouldn’t let me then what choice did I really have?

“Gee?” I heard her voice behind me as I sat at the kitchen table. I had given up trying to sleep at 3am and by 5am decided there was nothing on TV, so I sat alone in the cold kitchen with the coffee machine. It was 6.30am when she came behind me and put her arms round me shoulder. She felt so warm and I shivered at her touch.

“Come on baby, you’re so cold, come to bed.” She said gently. Was this really the same person who had shouted at me 6 and a half hours ago? I shook my head and drained the last mouthful of my warm coffee. She sighed and disappeared for a moment. I stood up and went back to the coffee maker. I heard her footsteps on the kitchen floor and she wrapped a blanket around my shoulders. I pulled it in tighter and turned to face her. Her eyes were red and watery. She put a warm hand up to my cold cheek.

“Baby, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She whispered. I sighed, and did a rare thing; I spoke my mind.

“I’m sorry Mel, I think you did. You’re right. How can you stay and raise a child with someone who likes men too?” I asked, looking at her shocked green eyes.

“Baby, I didn’t mean it. I was drunk, you know how I get.”

“Yes, Melissa, I do know how you get. If you’re not trying to kill yourself, you’re shouting at me! I can’t handle you when you’re drunk. It’s not fair on me and it’s certainly not fair on the baby.” I stated. She opened her mouth to reply and closed it again.
“I love you Melissa, but I don’t know how much longer I can take of you drinking.”

“I don’t drink often.” She said, defending herself.

“No, I’ll admit, you don’t. Those times you do drink, I get really scared. I don’t want you to drink while you’re pregnant, I don’t want you to hurt yourself or the baby.” I explained. She pulled me into her arms and told me everything would be okay. She looked into my eyes and I looked back into hers.

“Baby, I promise that I will stop drinking until after the baby is born.” She said. I wrapped my arms around her and wished I could believe that.

*Time elapse*

It was fireworks night when my bubble burst. She had been to her parents’ house and I had been to mine, so when I returned home I wasn’t sure what to expect from her. As I walked through the front door I got an eery feeling in my heart and I knew something wasn't quite right.

She got drunk again. In fact, she was so drunk I was scared she had killed the baby. I had never seen her as drunk as that before. She was so drunk she didn’t realise who I was and as I tried to calm her down she hit me. That was when she realised I wasn’t there to hurt her, but it was too late.

I drove her to her parents’ house and she did the worst thing possible. She shouted at me in front of her mom and dad. They helped me to calm her down and re-assured me I had done nothing wrong and that they respected the way I was sticking by her through all of this. As I drove away, I was thankful they didn’t hate me, but I knew it couldn’t go on any longer.

I laid down on my bed that night for hours just thinking. I hated the way I couldn't control her anymore. No, wait, I wasn't controlling her, I was trying to help her. To help her I had to control her and force her to stop drinking. I had failed miserably. Twice. How much longer could I keep failing? How much longer could I keep believing that she was going to stop harming our child?