Can't Stay Away

I was in the same spot I was the last time it happened. And I wanted to move. I didn't want to be there. I wanted to run out of my room. Run anywhere. Just get somewhere where I couldn't hear what was happening next door.

I had my eyes shut and my hands pressed tightly to my ears, trying to block out the noise. But it wasn't working.

Oh God. The noise. It was unbearable. It seemed louder than last time. And it was. Things next door was so much worse than the first time I witnessed the abuse. So much worse.

Brendon's father had moved on from the yelling to the physical portion of his 'punishment,' and Brendon's screams were filling up my head, clawing at my insides. It was so much worse.

I thought it would never end, but it did. It ended. But I still sat on the floor, under my window, eyes shut and hands pressed over my ears. I was in shock. So shocked.

Even though it was silent, Brendon's voice still filled my head, screaming. Yelling. Pleading. Begging his father to stop. The sounds pulled at my heart in ways I never thought possible. In a way I had never experienced. And it hurt. It hurt so fucking much. And that was the pain I knew I should be fearing.

It hurt so much. But I felt numb as well. Such a confusing feeling. But it's how I felt.

----------------------------------------------

At some point, I had fallen asleep sitting on the floor. It was still light out. It was probably the middle of the afternoon.

It was still silent. And I still hurt. I stood up, looking out my window. I hadn't heard from Brendon yet. I had expected it...but I was worried. It had been so much worse.

I wanted to crawl into his room. But I was so scared. Scared of what I might find. Scared of what I would see.

Scared of the pain.

And in that moment, I felt so ashamed of myself. Thinking of my own pain, when Brendon was the one truly suffering. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to check on him.

And then the curtain of Brendon's window was being pushed aside and I felt myself practically pressing my face against cool glass of my own window. But I immediately pulled it away when I saw the face of Brendon's dad right in front of me. He noticed me, surprised, before finally smirking at me. He bent down to pick something up. A board. He started to nail it to the window frame, blocking off part of the window. He was boarding up the window. I watched until he was done, too shocked to do anything else.

Brendon's only escape was blocked off.