We're Trouble Bound

The Hear and How – Jaime Caldwell talks about the pros and cons of screaming, Warped Tour and Keep Your Composure’s third full length album, Above and Below, due out the 10th.

The idea – “Above and Below represents heaven and hell, good and bad, innocence and evil. So there is that thread running through the entire album. It’s not a concept album because it’s all over the fucking place. But there’s definitely a theme going on with almost every song. And I think that this conflict, good vs. bad or whatever, is really something interesting. Because everyone has that struggle sort of. Everyone is deciding what’s right and not… so there’s that.”

On writing the album – “I actually wrote ten of the thirteen songs on the album which is more than on our other albums. So I feel like this is the most Jaime exposure we’ve ever done. I was really hesitant about all that because I’m not one hundred percent confident in my writing. My screaming, I’ll tell you I’m the fucking best. But with writing, I’m more self-conscious. I mean, I know I can do it; I know that it doesn’t totally suck. That’s just the straight up truth. But I can’t be arrogant about it all the time. But the guys were really sure of the songs and thought they were fucking sick. So we went with them. And I’m really happy with the work I put into it.”

The most personal song on the album – “Um, the song that is probably the most personal, even though you can’t really tell, is ‘The Transformation of Davey Dash’. It’s about this kid who is really naïve and stuff. And he gets a curse put upon him and he turns into a monster. It’s pretty b-horror movie-ish. But it’s kind of allegorical. It represents a literal event.”

On the guest vocals – “One of the biggest things about our band is that we are all about our friends. From the very beginning of our time as a band, our biggest supporters were our friends in other bands. And even now one of our friends is always jumping on stage and singing with us. At our gigs, there are always way more people on stage with us than are actually in the band. And that’s just us. That’s how we love to do it. So for this album, we wanted to convey that kind of energy and excitement. So we asked a bunch of our friends to help us out. And I think it worked really well. Nick [Martin of Underminded], David [Marion of Fear Before], Connor [Lovat-Fraser of Boys Night Out] and Oliver [Sykes of Bring Me the Horizon] all put two hundred percent into the parts they did for us. It added just a whole other level to the music. Which I love. I think it’s great.”

Singing vs. Screaming – “Singing was never a challenge. To start off, for me at least, screaming was so fucking hard. It was physically draining and my throat would hurt so bad after band practice that I couldn’t talk. I would try really hard to not say anything in school if I knew I had practice afterwards. My mom and my best friend thought I was a lunatic to even want to try. But I loved that I could do it at all. I thought that it was really cool and so did the guys. So I kept doing it. I kept pushing myself, past the point of soreness or hacking up blood. And now doing it night after night is nothing. I could probably do it in my sleep. And that’s cool. I worked at something and I accomplished it. That’s why I love screaming.”

Influences – “We all have things that we like and things that we’re really passionate about; things that end up influencing our songs. Sean, Danny and Troy will tell you their biggest influence is Slayer. In high school, they were the guys blasting heavy metal in the parking lot, Slayer and Metallica and Anthrax. With them, it’s always been about metal music. The darker, the better. Whereas Gavin and Anthony are into a lot of things. Like both of them could listen to blues for hours and hours. We listen to a lot of Muddy Waters and John Lee Hooker when they’re picking the tunes. There’s other stuff too. Don’t get them started on Bob Dylan! But of course they love heavy stuff too; if they didn’t we wouldn’t be the same band. The Misfits, Minor Threat, Dead Kennedys, Black Flag… The classic punk stuff is what they were blasting in the high school parking lot. As for me, it’s harder to say because I’m not actually a huge part of the music writing, just the lyrics. And sometimes, I’m really inclined to more upbeat fun sounds, which just wouldn’t fit into the music we make. Lyrically, a lot of the time my ideas come from literature or movies or whatever.”

On being the only girl in the band – “I don’t really think about it anymore. It’s not a big deal to me or the guys. I guess at first it was weird because they tried to go easy on me; they watched their language, tried to protect me and stuff. But I wasn’t having any of that. I just wanted to be one of the guys. And I am. They know that anything they can do… I can do ten times crazier or harder. They still protect me like older brothers but they don’t temper themselves because of me.”

On Warped Tour – “I was going to Warped for a couple years before I was ever in a band. My best friend and I went together and would get really sweaty and gross and had the time of our fifteen year old lives. It was my first real gig experience. So our first time on Warped, in 2007, I thought it was a big deal. Even though we played like four days. I still think it’s a big deal. Because it’s such a big part of the scene. It’s the summer thing. Warped Tour just feels like summer to me. And I fucking love that it’s how I got to spend this summer. It’s like a giant cookout with all my best friends there and my favorite bands playing, all summer long. It’s perfect.”
----
“Can I lean on you for a second?” She asked.

“As long as yer not gonna ‘ave a sick all over me lap.”

“Pffft… I never throw up. I am like a tank when it comes to drinking.” She moved over, resting her head against his shoulder. “Thanks.”

Oliver tried to not move was she pressed against him. He really hoped he didn’t smell. He slipped his arm around her shoulder; he was careful to keep his hand above her waist. For whatever reason, he didn’t want to try any game on her. It didn’t seem appropriate. And though he’d shag her in a minute, he was okay with just sitting and talking. “Yeh wanna know wha’ I fink?”

“Hmm?”

“I fink tha yer not as wild as every’un finks.”

She didn’t seem to mind that he had his arm around her or that his other hand was nearly resting on her leg. She just said “Maybe you’re right… but probably not.”

---

August - Part Two

Everyone had been rather disappointed when no one won the epic bet. It was rather clever of Oliver and Jaime to drink at the exact same moment and their friends could appreciate their trick. Oliver, despite his reservations, had been slightly amused by Jaime’s plan. But after they had simultaneously taken their first drink of alcohol in nearly a month, she had disappeared from his sight. He at first figured she was socializing, that seemed most likely and fairly innocuous. So he did the same, drinking a good amount as he went about it. Drinking was like having an old friend back after an extended holiday.

It was only after several hours of not seeing her that he began to get curious as to where she’d gone. Though he kept his worry to himself, not wanting to seem overly anxious. So he stayed in one spot and attempted to catch a glimpse of her in the crowd. He was a little drunk and sitting on a plush sofa when Nadine flopped down beside him. She had a drink in hand and a weather expression across her face. “Hey,” she greeted.

“O’reight?”

“I’m drunk.”

“Aye… Yeh seen Jaime?”

She gave him an incredulous look and a slight eye roll. “Uh huh…”

“Heard yeh two had a row earlier.”

“Yeah, a little bit…”

“Yeh better now?”

“I guess.”

“Wha’s it about?”

“Have Jaime tell you.”

“She wouldn’t.”

“That’s not surprising. Maybe if you say please.”

“I’d try ef I could find her.”

“She’s in the bathroom throwing up.”

Oliver’s eyes widened. “What?”

Nadine shrugged. “She drank too much too fast… Her tolerance was all fucked from your little sobriety experiment.”

“She’s been drinkin’?”

“Like a fucking fish.”

Oliver stood. “That sneaky…”

“You didn’t know?”

Without answering, he walked away, headed directly for the girl’s room. He was absolutely bewildered. He wasn’t sure if he was angry or totally unsurprised. He’d opened the flood gates. He’d given in to her. How could he be angry at anyone but himself?

He walked directly into the ladies bathroom without even thinking twice. He was momentarily struck by how much nicer it was than the men’s room. There was a girl washing her hands at the sink. She stared at him but he said nothing. At the far end, in the larger handicap stall, someone was sitting on the floor, her skirt riding up her thighs. He knocked on the stall door.

“Someone’s in here,” Jaime croaked.

“’S me.”

“Fuck…” She shifted around, reaching and flipping the lock open. The door opened and Oliver slipped in, relocking the door behind him. She was leaning against the toilet looking rather pale. He sat down beside her on the floor. “I think I’m okay now,” she slurred.

“Good…”

She grabbed her tiny hand bag from beside her on the floor. She fumbled to open it and when she finally succeeded she pulled from it a piece of mint gum. She popped it into her mouth and eagerly began chewing it. “Can I lean on you for a second?”

This question was familiar to him but he couldn’t remember when the memory was in their timeline. “As long as yer done getting’ sick.”

She pressed herself against his shoulder. “I’m done now. I just needed to get it out or else I’d have been a sloppy mess later…”

“As opposed to now.”

“Uh huh.” She sighed. “How mad are you?”

“Righ’ now? Not very… Only ‘cause I’m a bit drunk and I can see yer lacey knickers… Both help the situation.

She smiled and didn’t bother to fix her skirt. It was a good sign that he was making sexual references. It meant that he wouldn’t be yelling at her. Not at the present moment anyway. She took a hold of one of his hands and weaved her fingers through his. With his other hand, he reached up and brushed her now messed up hair away from her face before kissing the side of her head.

It was in moments like this that Jaime was the most perplexed with their relationship. How could they be so… normal?

“Man,” Jaime sighed once more. “I don’t even remember what I like about drinking.”

“Prob’ly not the pukin’ part, I imagine.”

“Yeah, for sure… I feel like I’m seventeen again. Sitting in Dine’s bathroom drunk as fuck… miserable.” She rubbed her hand over her unsettled stomach. “I guess it could be worse,” she stutteringly pondered. “At least I didn’t get any in my hair.”

“Aye, there’s that.”

“And nothing bad happened. No seizures.”

Oliver stifled a groan. “Hmm.”

“I’m not gonna drink anymore… At least not like this. You were right about it. It’s bad. It’s a really bad idea. I know that. But, you know, I like bad ideas.”

“Can’t argue wiff that.”

She slid down further so that her head was in his lap. He adjusted so she’d be as comfortable as she could be lying on the floor of the bathroom at some club. She toyed with a hole that was at the seam of his black pants near the knee. He shook his head silently as she poked at his leg and he turned pieces of her hair around his fingers.

“Sometimes,” she said in a slightly sleepy voice. “I can’t stop myself from doing things I shouldn’t. It’s a damn compulsion,” she murmured. “I don’t want to…” she trailed off.

And for the most part, Oliver understood what she meant. Sometimes, you just can’t help the things you do. Like loving a girl who doesn’t know which end is up. It was ridiculous. Irrational. But with them, rationality didn’t matter at all.

“Oliver?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry about before… about lying to you.”

“Oh, ‘s o’reight. I fink I knew yeh’d drink.”

“No, that’s not what I mean.”

“Eh?”

“I mean before… Like in May. I think I lied when I said we couldn’t be a regular couple because we weren’t regular people… That’s not true.”

Oliver’s whole body stopped. His fingers halted their motion through her hair. His face tightened. “Wha?”

“I think—I think the fact that we aren’t normal is the reason we work so well.” She didn’t move from her spot on his lap. She just looked straight ahead.

“I don’ fink I understand.”

“Separate we’re ridiculous, crazy, whatever. Together, we make sense.” She had a rambling tone. She was saying these things as she was thinking them. “I’m not saying this right; I’m drunk.”

But again, he understood her exactly. It was true. When they were together, they became different somehow: taking care of each other, being sincere. They acquired traits not usual to them. “No…” he said. “I get it.”

She sat up quickly, tilting a little. “You do?”

“Aye… we’re good together.”

“We are.”

“Strange.”

“But only kind of,” she finished his thought and smiled as he nodded. “I would kiss you but I taste like vomit and mint.”

“How ‘bout a small’un then? But keep yer tongue in yer mouth.”

“I can try,” she blearily grinned and leaned up to peck his lips.

“Wait a minute.” His eyes narrowed. “Yeh called us a couple.”

“Oh, uh, um…”

“’S tha’ wha’ yeh want?”

Her nose scrunched up, her thinking face. “Well, I… I don’t know what I want.”

“O’reight.”

“I know that I can’t stay away from you. Even if I wanted to. And I know that I don’t want to stay away. But I know that I’m not girlfriend material—“

“I’ll be the judge of that,” he interjected.

She put one of her hands over his mouth lazily. “Shh. Just let me think…” And he was silent, waiting. After a minute, she spoke. “I do a lot of really dumb shit, Oliver, so I can’t promise perfection.”

He laughed from behind her hand. He tried to speak “Yer jus—“

“Don’t talk. I’m trying to tell you that I probably won’t make it easy,” she admitted, pulling her hand away.

“Where would the fun be ef yeh did?”

“Good point.”

“An’ yeh know I’m not exactly boyfriend material either…”

“No one would accuse you of that,” she teased.

“But yer my girl, Jaime and I wouldn’t do anyfin to hurt yeh.”

“Oh good, I can do that enough on my own.”

He smiled grimly. “I don’t want yeh doin’ tha either.”

“I know. I’ll try… But really, I’m not promising anything right now. Especially not now… I’m retarded drunk.”

“Fuck promises. I don’ care ‘bout them. I care about bein’ wiff yeh. Tha’s it.”

“That’s good enough for me.” She stared at him, her stomach was finally done curning but now instead ached in a different way. She could hardly believe she’d just done that. “So…”

“So?”

“So we’re together then?”

“Suppose we are.”

“Cool.”

--

The day after the release party, Jaime staggered from Oliver’s bus with a raging headache. It was strange and a little masochistic but it was a very cleansing feeling. It felt good and slightly bittersweet because she knew that it would be her last hangover. She was done with the drinking. For good.

She had realized two things the night before. The first was that there was only so long you could continue the party lifestyle. Eventually you had to grow up and give it up or you’d be doing it forever. The same night on repeat for the rest of eternity. And for her, doing it forever could end badly and possibly swiftly.

The second realization, which had come from deciding to be with Oliver, was that the parties weren’t important. Not when compared to other things. The parties were a waste. Hours of tequila shots and chugging beer and general self-destruction. Hundreds of mornings spent hiding from bright lights and eating saltines. All of it a waste.

This self destruction was defeating the purpose of her never again mentality. She hadn’t moved past what happened to her, no matter how many times she swore up and down that she didn’t let it hold her back. She was lying to herself and everyone else. She was still a mess. She was no better off than when she was sixteen. She was possibly even worse.

When she returned to her bus and went into the bathroom, she stared at her face in the mirror. She wiped the smudged make up from under her eyes and fixed her tangled hair. She turned her cheek to study the healing cut on her face. It had turned into a smooth pink line, still flaking skin occasionally. The stitches were gone weeks ago, only small white dots lining the gash remained. She knew that eventually its ugliness would diminish; it would hopefully become the faintest of scars.

She sighed and pulled on a pair of Danny’s basketball shorts that she’d found lying on the floor. Everyone was still sleeping, including Nadine. But Jaime was impatient. She needed to speak to her best friend. She wasn’t sure if Dine was still miffed but she didn’t care.

“Dine,” Jaime whispered, nudging Nadine’s shoulder. “Nadine, move over.”

“Go away,” she mumbled.

“Come on. Let me in.”

Nadine inched closer to the wall, giving Jaime space to climb in bed with her. Jaime wiggled herself next to Nadine. “Is there a reason you aren’t in your own bed?”

“I want to talk to you for a minute.”

“It can’t wait until I wake up?”

“It’s almost that time anyway…”

Nadine groaned. “You’re surprisingly alert for it to be morning… especially a morning after you were plastered.”

“I told you; I want to talk.”

“I guess so. About?”

“Two things.”

Nadine rubbed her eyes. “Okay, go for it.”

“I told Oliver I wanted to be a couple.”

Nadine looked at Jaime dubiously “How drunk were you?”

“Pretty drunk,” she said honestly. “My tolerance was all fucked up.”

“Or you didn’t pace yourself.”

“Yeah, that too.”

“So you told him you wanted to be a couple, go on.”

“And I meant it.”

“Do you still mean it?”

“Surprisingly, yes.”

“Really? Wow. Hmm…”

“I woke up this morning and… I don’t know how to say it. It felt good to be next to him and like… know we were together, like together together. Does that make sense?”

“Uh huh.”

“It’s weird.” Jaime let out a flustered laugh. “It’s surprising how easy it was to just let go and commit. It’s nice but cool and I know we’re not—“

“Jaime.”

“Hmm?”

“You’re funny?”

“I am?”

“It’s taken you a fucking long time. He must have the patience of a priest.”

“Maybe.”

“Still can’t believe…” she murmured.

“Can’t believe what?”

“You two. It’s amazing.”

“How do you figure?”

“You both did one eighty changes… Because of the other. The manwhore became the sweet boyfriend. The ice queen turned into a giggling school girl.”

“I’m not…” She went to argue the point but found that there was no use. It was fairly true. They had changed. There was no denying it.

“Mmhmm, that’s what I thought.” Nadine smirked. She had been right from the start about the whole situation and felt a little smug about it. “What was the second thing you wanted to talk about?”

“Oh, that. I want to start a charity.” She said it so frankly, almost nonchalant.

Nadine raised her eyebrows curiously. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. I just decided.”

“And what kind of charity do you want to start?”

“One to help fight domestic violence.”

Nadine was taken back. “Oh. Wow. Really?”

“Yes. I think it’s time to get over myself and do something good for once.”

Nadine pressed her hand to Jaime’s forehead. “Are you sick or something?”

“No?”

“I… I just… That’s a really cool idea, Jai. That’s… wow.”

“I think I’m ready for people to know.”

“You… what?”

“I think I can help people, Dine.”

“You want to help people?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“Um, it’s not that it isn’t a good thing. I’m just really surprised… I’m really fucking proud of you right now.”

“Thanks.”

“Is there anything you want me to help with?”

“Well duh. When was the last time I made a decision that you didn’t have some say in?”