***NEED WORK

Well, I suppose I can say a lot of things about me, depending on which side you want to hear. But I guess I should start with the one thing that won't change, no matter how much I wished it would.

One stormy night, I was born as Celeste Noelle Donahue.
Now I'm alive, but not exactly living.
I exist through time fulfilling one expectation after another, pretending to laugh, smile and show people that I'm having a great time.
That's the outside me.
The perfect picture, the perfect vision.

The ME I absolutely loath with passion.

The true me stayed locked up inside, existent only to me. Inside, there was no pretending---there was no one to pretend for.
Inside is where the shards of myself lie.
This is what I feel, truthfully.

I'm sick and tired of her brainwashing. I'm sick and tired of her 'I'm right, you're wrong,' talk. But most of all, I'm sick and tired of my own weakness. I HATE how I crumble on the inside at her slightest insults, the shit talks she gives and prods at me. I hate how much I care so much about what she said and says.
I hate how much it hurts.
The hurt doesn't come from the thought, 'She hates me...'
I know she hates me. I've known for a while.

Good.

I'm glad that she hates me. I couldn't give a damn that she hates me. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Because she has become nothing to me--- I have nothing to feel for her.

It hurts because I believe EVERYTHING she says. I can't help it. It seems to follow every form of logic that exists in this world. Everything that comes flying out of her mouth makes sense. I know better, but I can't help but believe.
She's right, I'm always wrong.
So I sat there, staring straight down at my shoes as she went on and on about my faults. It's tearing, shredding me apart; it's got to be too obvious. However hard I try to hide it, she can see me crumble.
She's enjoying it.

"So you're telling me after a whole week at this dance camp, you haven't learned a thing?"

Ah, there goes the comment meaning 'You're stupid and worthless.'
I closed my eyes and shut myself away into my shell.
No, you dumb bitch, I didn't speak a word, I thought to myself, having to bite my tongue to stop myself from actually speaking out.
I haven't cried in front of this woman for years now. I've made my resolve.

Don't shed a tear now! Don't give her the satisfaction!

I fought with myself and emotions as my chest felt as if it would burst. My throat was tight and it was hard to breathe. I forced myself to swallow.
Outside of my shell, I heard her scoff.
"This... this is sad. I've wasted ten years of my own life giving you everything you wanted."

Don't listen!! I screamed silently at myself as I felt the comments stab right through me.

She went on.
"Look at all the sacrifices we've made for you... the sacrifices your little sister made for you. She could have gotten the treatment she needed and the surgery for her legs. Celeste, she could have danced, just like the way she had always dreamed of dancing. And you stole all that away," she hissed right in my ear.

Stole.
I never thought that word could have so much power. It ripped into my so easily. I felt hollow.
I loved Liana, my younger sister, with all my heart. So gentle and sweet, she always had a smile on her face. The mere thought of stealing from her was enough to kill me. She's only six years old, and she had already been robbed of her dreams---by me.
...I never meant to hurt you, Lia. I'm sorry.
"... Are you even listening to me? Don't you have anything to say?"

I looked up and stared right into that woman's eyes.
"Not to you, mother." I said.
I got up and out of the room without another word.

It really is too bad that some things could never change...

* * * * * * *

“My Angel, my love,
No fears now, don’t cry
I stand here with you through the darkness,
Forevermore I’m with you
Your dreams will come true
So smile brightly like the stars up above.”

I heard Liana’s little voice singing the lullaby before I even reached the door. I couldn’t help the small smile that made its way on my lips as I snuck up to her bedroom door. The door was wide open as I approached. I stopped and leaned against the doorframe.

And there was Liana, sitting on the floor, playing with her teddy bear. Her back was to me as she gazed out the window and up to the sky. I don’t know how long I stood there, just watching her.
Liana was smart for her age and was already able to read confidently without help. She always had that smile on her face, and she never let anyone see her cry.
But even with her maturity and will, physically she was weak. Her body was small and frail, as if she was the most fragile thing in the world. Her complexion was already fair to start with, so when she did have her frequent downs in her health, her face was blanched. What should be a regular common cold for an average person could be deadly for her. I stood there watching her, her small hands cradling the stuffed animal lovingly.
All I felt was guilt.

“So reach up to the---”

Suddenly, Liana broke off in the middle of the verse. She tilted her little head to the side, her long light brown hair falling to the side.
“So reach up to the---…hmm, I forget,” she mused to herself.

I almost laughed out loud. I took a step forward, walking into the room. Taking a deep breath, I softly sang the second half of the lullaby I had written myself.

“So reach up to the sky,
Cast a wish on your star
Keep believing; your dreams are never far
May slumber come sweetly,
And all your fears go,
To come back to my Angel, nevermore”

Liana gasped and wheeled around, her eyes wide. She had that bright smile on her face as she giggled.
“Cella!!” she squealed and raised her arms up as she approached.
“Come here, you!” I growled playfully and she squealed again as I swung her up into the air and hugged her tight.
I sat her down on her little bed and I plopped down at the foot of it. Liana was giving me an ear-to-ear grin.
“You scared me!!” she said.
“Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to,” I said, giving her the puppy pout.
She giggled.
“I know, silly!” she laughed.
She leaned back into her pillow tiredly, looking back at the night sky out the window. Her grin faded away as she continued to gaze.
“’Reach up to the sky,’ that’s how the lullaby went,” she said, more to herself.

We sat there in silence for a while, doing and saying nothing. Suddenly, Liana spoke up.
“Cella?”
“Hmm?”
“Would I be able to dance?”

I froze, and a pang of guilt came over me in a cold wave.
...And you stole all that away…

“Of course. If that’s what you dream about. And you know what, Lia?” I murmured.
“What?”
Her voice was soft and tired. I could tell she was falling asleep.

“When you become a famous dancer, I promise that I will be there in the front row of the audience, cheering you on at every dance recitals and shows you dance in,” I whispered.

Liana gave a little content sigh and a small smile came back to her face.
“That would be very nice,” she said, and closed her eyes.

I watched her for a while as her breathing became steady. Slowly, I got off of her bed and pulled the worn blanket over her. I turned and tiptoed quietly out of the room, turning off the lights on the way out.

I was glad the tears came after I closed the door.
...No one’s here to see…

That was what I was thinking then, I remember it clearly. But I didn’t know that somewhere, outside in the dark, someone or something had seen the whole thing.