Never Say Goodbye

Matt's POV

I stood infront of Jackie in my kitchen, two days before she and the girls were leaving for Hawaii, arguing once again about if she wanted to eat supper or not.

"Well you HAVE to, you haven't eaten at all today." I said, placing my hands on her shoulders.

She had lost alot of weight, and felt freaking weightless lately whenever I'd hug her. Her clothes were slipping more and more, and I was getting more worried every day. I could visibly see her hips and ribs, and we all could see more loss every day.

"I can't... I get sick Matt, you've seen it!" She shouted, getting frusterated with herself once again. It was true, whenever she would eat someting, whether it be an apple or a bagel, she'd get sick and throw it up. She had me thoroughly worried one day when I came over and she was throwing up in the bathroom for a solid half hour. Zack had tried to get her to eat some pasta, he'd finally figured out what was going on, and she threw it straigh back up the instant it went down.

"I know, I know. But... UGH!" I groaned and threw my hands in the air "I don't know, but if you don't eat something soon you're going to freaking vanish!" I shouted.

"I know Matt, you don't think I see it now?" She asked, tears welling in her eyes "I can't listen to you, I can't stop being afraid," She whimpered and backed away from me "I just am. Because I know that it isn't going down easy, I know it isn't. I just... need time." She murmured.

"Jackie, baby, time is one thing that isn't on your side right now." I whispered as she attempted to hoist herself onto the counter. Failing.

I walked over and picked her literally feather light body up onto the counter. I could see tears slipping down her cheeks. "I just... I hate it, I can't help it Matt. I can't." She whispered as I walked between her legs and hugged her.

"I know baby. I understand, but you know what I think?" I asked as she nodded into my chest "I think you should go see a doctor." I whispered.

She pushed me away and looked up, shaking her head violently "No. I'm not ruining the Hawaii trip." She said, giving me the most stupid reason ever.

I rolled my eyes "Why won't you go?" I asked, crossing my arms and looked her over. Her shoulders were like pin heads underneath her sweatshirt. Her once fitted sweatshirt was now oversized, and her sweatpants that used to be perfect fitting to her, were now falling down with every breath.

"Because I don't need them. They can't do anything for me, I can't even do anything." She laughed "And all they can do is force feed me."

I shrugged "They can help though, or try to baby. Please?" I pleaded.

"No Matt, no. I'm not going there again. They treat me like a totall freak."

"Well you need the help, for once I'm going to say this. I can't even help you." I said, hating how true yet conceited it was. I couldn't just make her eat and her be better, no. She'd get sick, throw it plus whatever was in there. Wretching mostly. "And I don't want this to take you from me.." I whispered.

She sighed and pulled me back into a hug "Well then baby, let's make the most of our time we have, if it were to take me." She laughed "Which I won't let it happen." She whispered as I hugged her tightly, but not too tight.

"Don't jinx it babe. I don't think I could stand to lose you." I whispered and kissed her head.

"I love you." She whispered back.

"I love you more than the breath in my lungs." I whispered as she laughed.

"You're so corny... " She laughed, her body shaking in my arms.

~~~~~~~~~

That night Jackie was staying over, I was making her. So I could monitor her better, since I'd become her 'nurse' and making sure she at least drank that vitamin enriched juice and water and stuff. It was the only source of anything she'd be able to handle.

It was around ten a.m., and the guys were supposed to be over at ten thirty for practice. Jackie was still sleeping, and I was sitting in the living room watching ESPN. It was re-capping the LA game when I heard a loud crash from upstairs.

"Jackie? You okay?" I asked as I walked to the hallway, earning no response. "Jackie? Baby?" I asked as I walked down and saw the bathroom door shut.

I could hear something, but blocked out of my mind what it was as I bolted for the door "Jackie? Jackie!" I shouted and banged on the door "Open the door now!" I shouted.

I heard her vomit once again as I hit the door, harder and harder each time. I looked around and saw the key ontop of the doorframe, I'm such a flipping idiot. I cliked it into the lock and opened the door frantically.

Jackie was leaning over the toilet throwing up. I knelt beside her as I heard someone come into the house. I sighed, oh great. I held Jackie's hair back as she continued dry throwing, meaning since there was nothing in her stomach, there was nothing coming up but bile and foam. The thought of it made me sick too.
"Matt!" I heard a yell from down the hall.

'Shit, they're early.' I thought to myself "Hold on!" I shouted back as Jackie stopped vomiting.

"Go, now... go before Zack comes up here." She whispered, grabbing a wet cloth that was sitting on the counter and wiping her mouth. "GO." She whispered harshly.

She never recovered that quickly. I eyed her, was she?... no don't even go there Matt. I shook the thoughts from my mind and walked out as Jackie shut the door behind me, saying something about she'd be out in a few. She never ever recovered that quickly, at least when she started puking when I was around. I walked into the den to find the guys sitting around.

"Hey, where were you?" Zack asked, looking behind me "Where's Jackie?"

I bit my lip "She said she'd be right out, she's in the bathroom." I commended myself on saving her ass once again. Well, actually she saved my ass more.

"Oh... so shall we get started?" Zack asked as he pointed to the basement, where all our stuff was set in our mini studio.

"Sure." I shrugged and led the way down, hearing the shower water running in the bathroom and Jackie singing.

Never had she recovered that quickly.

Jackie's POV

Yeah. Ok shut the hell up now people.

Maybe I made myself sick, maybe I made myself throw up when Matt wasn't looking. Maybe I made myself choke on that pasta Zack gave me. Well, those aren't maybe's, they're fine alright I did's. I know it's wrong to lie to Matt, but I hated myself for it and it had become an addiction to make myself throw up. I just had to, and I could only control when I would stop throwing up, not when I would. I tried, but it ended up in me swallowing vomit.

I stepped from the shower and wrapped myself in a towel, which was hard to keep up. I heard the guys playing loudly in the basement, and knew from the look Matt had given me that he suspected this. I hated myself, because I'd have to tell him. I was leaving for Hawaii tomorrow, and he should know. But was now, right before I left, exactly the right time?

I sighed and brushed out my hair, applied makeup, and walked into Matt's room, where some of my clothes were. I put on my clothes, which were just sweatpants and a tanktop, both fitting loosly. I sighed and braided my hair in two braids at either side of my head, and walked out of Matt's room and towards the kitchen.

"Ok... here we go." I whispered to myself as I picked up an apple from the bowl on the counter. I took a deep breath and grabbed a knife, I would cut it into small pieces, yeah. That sounded like a good idea.

My stomach growled and I laughed "Shut up." I said as I drove the knife into the juicy apple, causing me to gag. "Not. Now." I growled to myself and picked up the small sliver of apple. I felt like a drug addict who was learning how to live normally again.

I placed the piece of apple to my lips and tasted the juice on my lips. But as soon as it hit, I felt my stomach lurch into my throat. I ran for the trash can and heaved once again. I stopped, since nothing would come out, and threw the apple slice into the trash. "Failure." I laughed to myself and sat down at the table, my body almost collapsing. It needed nutrients, but I wasn't getting enough from not eating anything.

The phone rang and I instinctively got up and answered it.

"Hello?" I asked as I felt myself blacking out. Not now, not now. Come on, stay upright... I yelled in my head, grabbing onto the table.

"Hey! Jackie! Oh my gosh I'm so happy I got to the beach with my ice cream cones and puppies! The ducks ran over the barbies with tans!" I head Gena's familiar voice.

"Ice cream?" I asked, placing my hand on my head as I felt really dizzy "Barbies? What?" I asked slowly as the room started to spin.

I dropped the phone to the table as everything went black.

Matt's POV

"Dude, the phone's ringing." Brian said as we were in the middle of a break.

I got up but the phone stopped ringing "Jackie must have gotten it." I said as I heard her voice "Yup."

The guys nodded as we listened. "Ice cream?" Jackie asked, sounding weird. Zack eyed me, worry in his eyes. "Barbies? What?" She asked weirdly again.

We heard a crash, like plastic falling onto something hard, and then a thud. By now Zack and I were at the top of the stairs just in time to see Jackie collapse to the floor. "Jackie!" I shouted and ran over to her.

"Hello?" Zack asked into the phone as I picked Jackie up. "Gena? What? Yeah it was her, what did you say?" He asked, he gave a small laugh "She said something about Ice cream and Barbies... but yeah I gotta go babe, I'll call you... yes she fainted, I don't know why.... Okay, love you too. Bye." He said and hung up as I laid Jackie onto the couch. "Check her pulse." Zack said as he grabbed his cell phone and dialed a number quickly.

I checked her pulse "It's wicked slow..." I said and opened her eyes, they were rolled into the back of her head. "Jackie." I whispered, hoping she'd wake up. "JACKIE." I shouted.

"Mom?" Zack asked into the phone. I looked up, ready to kill him. I had promised Jackie that we wouldn't outright tell Carrie "She's passed out." He whispered "Yeah, Matt's house. Ambulance? Ok.. Meet you there." He said and hung up "She said to call and ambulance." He said as the rest of the guys walked in.

"What happened?" Brian asked as he walked over.

"She fainted, Zack's calling an ambulance." I whispered as I kept holding onto Jackie's small body. "Come on baby." I whispered in her ear as I kept my hand to her wrist, slowly feeling my own pick up as hers slowed. "Zack..." I whispered as I could barely feel it now. He was talking with Brian as we waited for the ambulance "ZACK." I shouted again.

"What?" He asked, sounding annoyed.

"Her... her pulse is..." I stammered as I could no longer feel it. "ZACK!" I shouted as I realized what was happening.

EMT's rushed into the house and carried her out on a stretcher. I climbed into the back of the ambulance as they hooked her up to machines, saying something about how her veins weren't opening. Zack said he'd drive the guys and meet us there, along with Carrie.

This can't be happening...