Never Say Goodbye

Title Credit: Gunslinger - Avenged Sevenfold.

*Jackie's POV*

Pink. Blue. Green. Yellow. Pastels, baby colors. I looked around the room as my hands gripped my jeans from inside my pockets. Matt was still asleep, yesterday was so... surreal, and too much for either of us. But I felt so wrong about it all. It still felt like something was living inside of me, like there was still that little baby in there, but there wasn't. My baby girl had died. They said it was a rare complication. Something they couldn't pinpoint. But it hurt even more not knowing what it was.

I ran my hands down the faintly yellow walls, sighing to myself as my hand mindlessly moved to my stomach. There was no more bump. No more kicking. No more life, other than that lingering feeling I had. I sat down in the rocking chair. I should have a baby in my arms, I should be tired from being up all night with a baby, not becuase I was crying so hard. I let the tears fall again, my eyes hurt from crying so much the past few hours.

My eyes shut as I held my knees to my chest, I hadn't been able to do that in the past few months, and I would give anything for not being able to. If it meant having a baby now. There was nothing I could do. I wanted to curl up on the floor and die. I looked down at my shoes, kicking them in the air as I looked around. I wondered if we'd ever actually get around to using this room. I wondered how Matt was going to be now.... I wondered how we were going to be now. I sighed and stood up, my body wanted to collapse. It was in shock still I guessed.

So I walked to the spare bedroom and laid down, I didn't want to wake Matt up by coming back to bed. I pulled the covers to my chin, and cried again. I never wanted to move. My baby couldn't move now, so why should I?

And that's how I fell asleep, thinking about my baby. Matt and I's little creation.

~*~

I woke up, unfourtunately, to yelling and shouting. I recognized that voice. Zack. I stood up, the one person who could possibly make me smile today was Zack. I walked into the hallway where Matt and Zack were opening doors and shouted "Where is she?" Zack asked, a worried tone in his voice.

"Zack!" I shouted and ran at him, hugging him with all my strength, which wasn't much. He lifted me off the ground and hugged me, being carefull.

"Hey sis." He whispered and kissed my cheek, his arms not leaving me. Frankly, I didn't want him to. My brother. My goddamned brother... I never wanted to cry to my brother more than right now, I had never wanted him to be that comforting brother as much as right now. "Are you alright?" He asked.

I shook my head "No." I whispered as he set me down "I'm not alright."

"I knew that." He sighed and took my hands "I was thinking.... how about you come stay back with me again? For old time's sake?"

I looked over at Matt, who nodded a little "I think it'd be a good thing."

I looked between the two boys "You..." I Paused to gather my words in the right order, scrunching my face up "You think it'd be a good thing?" I looked at Matt, my brain kicking into irrational overdrive "To break up with me right after I lose a f*cking baby?" I asked, my eyes were probably red right now as I glared at Matt. He shook his head, getting ready to speak "That's your version of a good thing?!" I shouted and pushed past Zack, letting tears fall again. I thought I had run out by now. The damn pillow was soaked.

"Jackie! That's not what's going on!" Zack shouted as he ran after me.

I shook my head and grabbed my purse "IT IS! Zack! It is!" I shouted back and opened the door, walking straight into someone "MOVE!" I shouted.

Brian looked down at me with sadness in his eyes. His arms wrapped around me as I cried into his chest "Shhhh, it's alright. Just come back in the house." He whispered.

He walked forwards, as I walked backwards, his arms still around me. We made our way to the couch and Brian sat me down. "Thanks.." I heard Zack whispered.

I stood up, only to be sat down again my a large hand, belonging to Zack "Listen to me."

"Why should I? You're siding with him on making me leave!" I pointed at Matt as Brian stood there, confused.

"I am not. Now listen to me!" Zack said again, pushing me down as I tried to stand.

"Let me stand damn it!" I shouted as Zack pushed on my shoulders, leaning down infront of me.

"I'm your brother and you have to listen to me. I asked Matt what he thought about you moving back in with me. I thought it'd be better you being home, instead of in this house. There's too much for you to be sad about here, and until you get your mind and head straight, I think you should get out of here. Matt thought the same thing, because we care about you. We don't want you to have to walk past that room everyday, it'll just bring back memories and everything. I don't care what Matt thinks, even if he thinks you should stay, I want you to come back home. For your own good. Because we both want the best for you, and we both love you. Are you listening to me, Jaclyn? We both love you so much..." He paused, his eyes locking mine "You're my sister, and I want you to be happy. I know this is going to take time to get over. I understand, we all understand that. I just feel that this would help."

I looked up and nodded "But I want my baby back..." I whispered. Zack moved away from me, his eyes suddenly softening into a sympathetic look "I want..." I paued as I caught my breath and stood up "I want everything to go the way it should have."

"What if this is how it was meant to go?" Matt asked.

I glared at him "Shut up."

Once again, Zack sat me down "Don't take it out on Matt."

I glared up at him "Then what am I supposed to do?!" I shouted.

*Zack's POV*

"Then what am I supposed to do?!" She shouted, her lip quivering as she looked up at me, confused and sad "What do I do with this all? Hold it down? Let it bottle up and... and... WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ZACK!?" She shouted and looked around "Take it out on myself?" She asked.

I was about to protest when she began talking again.

"You know that thought's crossed my damn mind a few billion times from the hospital to now? That things would be better if I were dead. If I could be in Heaven with my baby, see my baby's face..." She paused her eyes closing. I looked at Matt, he was crying, then I looked at Brian, he was teary eyed also. I could feel tears already in my own eyes "To hold my baby's hand... to kiss her skin? I would give my life to feel, hold, love, even just see my little girl. That idea's still there... What I'd give to just be with my baby... To talk to her, tell her I love her. Tell her she's loved by so many people..." Jackie opened her bloodshot eyes and shook her head.

"We need you down here." I whispered.

Jackie sat back and looked up at the cieling "But I would give anything to be closer to Heaven with her..."

The stars in the night, they lend me their light to bring me closer to Heaven with you.