Never Say Goodbye

I walked up to the hotel, after a nice long night of drinks and random guys getting shut down. It was fun... for the most part. One bitch walked up to me and started yelling at me for 'eyeing her man' and things got pretty heated because, fuck, like I wanted her man.

I had my own. And I let her know that, and then all hell broke loose because "Oh my god that's M. Shadows' fiance!". I didn't think I deserved attention because I was his fiance, I wasn't the rock star, he was. I didnt' do anything special with my life. I laughed it off and left, leaving them all freaking out. Think about it, a group of ADULTS getting excited over a rock star's fiance? Seriously screwed up.

I walked into the lobby and ignored Matt, who was sitting on a chair tapping his fingers against his leg. It was two AM, reletively early considering their show got out at eleven PM.

"May I help you?" A woman asked from the desk.

"No, she's with me." Matt placed his hand on my arm from behind me.

"Miss?" She gave me a look, that look that people give you when you're in a domestic relationship and they know, and you won't tell. I laughed a little, what an idea. Matt wouldn't imagine putting a hand on me in an aggresive manner. He knew Zack would have his ass, with help from all the other guys.

"Yah, my fiance. Thanks baby." I smiled up at him and gave the woman a smile "He wouldn't."

"Alright." She nodded as Matt walked me to the elevator, in complete silence he pressed the button for the sixth floor.

The ride was quiet, the only sound was our breathing. I was beginning to noticed the smell of alcohol coming from my clothes, and cigaretts. I shrugged to myself as Matt looked me over "So what'd you guys do tonight?" I asked as he walked down the hall infront of me.

He was quiet. We stopped infront of a door and he slid his card down the slot, swinging the door open. "We're back." He announced to the room full of men.

I looked around at the worried expressions. Jimmy ran over, picking me up "God! We were so worried! You weren't answering your cell phone!" He sighed and hugged me.

I wiggled out of his arms "Jim, I'm fine. I was just out for a few drinks, jeez. You're acting like I'm a child, I'm not. For your information, I'm a grown adult."

"We were still worried, Jackie." Zack gave me that look.

"What's that about? Why are you worried? You don't think I can handle myself?" I asked.

"Frankly, no." Brian sighed "Not really."

I groaned "I'm staying on the bus tonight. This is rediculous." I raised my hands and walked to the door.

"You can't." Zack announced.

"Why not? You gunna control me now?" I asked.

"No, we don't have the bus here. We got dropped off, a new bus is coming in the morning because the fuckin' brakes went." He said sternly "So you sleep in that room." He pointed to a door.

I nodded and opened the door "I think I can handle myself, thanks. I'm getting my own room. I don't want to stay with you guys, you're all acting completely rediculous, childish, and stupid."

"Ok, whatever. We'll come get you in the morning when we have to leave." Matt sighed and sat down.

I shook my head "I'm gunna go home tomorrow, give you guys some time to come to reality. And give me some time to cool off."

"WHAT!?" Zack asked "You can't go home! You... you..."

"I'm 21 and can take care of myself." I groaned "God! Why are you making this so hard! I JUST WANT TO GO OUT AND HAVE FUN AND STOP REMEMBERING EVERYTHING THAT WENT FUCKING WRONG!" I Shouted at Zack, letting out a deep breath "This fucking sucks, you know that? Knowing that I should be at home right now, having my fucking BABY is KILLING me, Zack. Just fucking ripping my heart out!" I shouted, tears now forming at the corners of my eyes.

"Jackie..." Zack whispered, standing up "I know you're still hurting, but..."

"But what, Zack? I need to get over it? Let it go? Fuck! I've tried, I've fucking tried, Zack! You try forgetting about something that's a part of you! That you fucking made! And seeing him every fucking day doesn't help!" I shouted, pointing at Matt, feeling that pang of guilt in my chest immediatly "Oh Matt I didn't-.."

"No." He cut me off, shaking his head "I get it..."

I let out a long breath, brushing my hair back with my hand as he walked into another room, slamming the door shut. Everyone stared at me, the guilt only building in my stomach "WILL YOU STOP IT?!" I asked loudly.

"I think... I think you two should talk." Zack said with a confused look on his face "Why did you say yes, if seeing him only hurts you?"

I sat down, Brian wrapped his arm around me for comfort, which was helping minimally right now "Because I really do love him. But knowing our baby would have looked like him too... it kills. I can only think about if she had his eyes, his smile, his dimples... his hair..."

"You gotta let it go, no matter how much you hate me for saying it. You do." Zack sighed, kneeling infront of me "And now, well now you need to go make it up to your fiance. Because that hurt, I think we all felt it."

"You pretty much blamed him for everything..." Jimmy raised his hands defensively "Sorry."

I nodded "I know..." I whispered and stood up, knocking on the door that Matt had slammed "Matt? Can we talk? Please?" I asked, hearing nothing but silence "I didn't mean it... I was angry and-"

The door flung open. I took a step back in surprise, not having expected him to open the door "You were angry." He leaned against the door frame "I was angry about you going out without saying goodbye earlier. I didn't blow up at you, did I?"

I shook my head "No... no you didn't."

"Exactly." He shrugged "Maybe this wasn't the right time for all of this." He looked down at his hand. I shook my head, reaching out to hug him but he pushed me away. My heart cracked, I could literally feel it breaking into pieces in my chest "Maybe you aren't ready."

My breathing stopped in my chest and those pathetic, desperate tears dripped down my face "Matt, I'm sorry." I said with all my soul, I'd try anything right now.

"I was wrong to ask that of you right now, I should have waited. Because you clearly need time to heal." He whispered, reaching for his ring.

I felt my heart, or the pieces of it, leap into my throat "Matt no!" I sobbed "Please, I'm sorry. I'll never do it again, I'll fucking sew my mouth shut, I'll handcuff myself to the bus, to anything near you. Just please... Don't.." I whispered "I'll do anything."

He looked up, his eyes were clearly hurting. I knew it'd take so much to take those words back "I don't want you rushing into things, I don't want it to all fall apart because you didn't mean it."

I shook my head "I mean it... I really do... Please I swear, right now I'll go sew my mouth shut, Matt.... I swear to God I won't talk... I'll fuckin' sew it closed right now," I looked around "Do you guys have needles and thread or anything?" I looked back at Matt "Please..."

Matt paused "You can't sew your mouth shut." He whispered "It wouldn't be a good idea-"

I reached in my pocket and pulled out a safety pin I had used to pin the back of my shirt earlier. I proceeded to shove it into my lip, watching the horrified expression on Matt's face "I swear I will... anything... please?" I asked, tasting the blood in my mouth.

"If you sew your mouth shut I can't kiss you." Matt whispered, taking the pin from my hand and pressing his lips to mine "And I couldn't do this." He shoved his tongue into my mouth, making me moan a little.

"Finally." Brian laughed from behind us "Now leave us alone and go fuck."

Matt looked up at him and pulled me into the room "You know I love you, right?" He asked.

I nodded "I love you, too, so damn much. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Don't... Don't hate me?" I asked as he pulled me close.

"I couldn't hate you." He whispered "I was stupid, you should have freedom like any of us. I was too protective.... Babe, I love you."

"I love you." I whispered back as he pressed our lips together once again.

"I want you, so bad." He said as he laid us down on the bed.

I nodded and reached into my back pocket "Here." I handed him the aluminum condom package.

He raised an eyebrow at me "What's this for?"

I took a deep breath "Matt..."

"We're engaged, we're getting married, why do we need this?" He was confused.

"I don't want to go through that again..." I whispered quietly as he opened it "I couldn't handle that again..."

"Promise me we will someday?" He asked.

"Have kids?" I asked as he took his pants off, and I pulled my shoes, jeans, and vest off.

Matt nodded "I want kids, with you, so bad babe..."

"I don't..." I whispered "I don't know, what if something goes wrong again? I couldn't stand it..."

Matt pressed his lips lovingly to mine "It'll be fine. But for now," He smirked and put the condom on "We'll be extra carefull."

I smiled and pressed him onto the bed, straddling his waist "For the most part."