Never Say Goodbye

Last day at the hotel in Portland, Oregon before we left for a show in Olympia, Washington. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I looked thinner, clearly. I hadn't thrown up, I just ate much less. It's been five days since Vegas, and I guess I let it get to me.

I ran my hands through my newly, since this morning, bleached blonde hair as it dripped at the ends. I stared in the mirror, it washed me out. My eyes were dark around the underneath, my lips were pale pink. I grabbed my makeup bag and fixed it, looking like I slept perfectly the night before. Which, in some sense, I did. In Matt's arms I felt indestructible. Safe. But I couldn't sleep. Zack's words, no matter how harmless he thought they were, crowded my thoughts.

I stripped my towel off and looked myself over. I saw my hip bones, something I hadn't noticed much since the last time I had been sick. My ribs showed when I turned around and looked at my back. My collar bone stuck out more than usual, and my face was, like I said, sunken in. I groaned and blew dry my hair, applying red lipstick and black eyeliner, and highlighter under my eyes so they looked even better. I blushed my cheeks and threw on my skinny jeans, the zero's I finally fit in, and a grey long sleeved-tee. I looked at my ragged hair and ran my hands threw it again.

I packed all my things up and walked into the bedroom, gathering al my things that I had rummaged through this morning looking for a pair of jeans I didn't swim in. Matt had gone out to get breakfast with everyone else, I said I wasn't hungry, Matt didn't fall for it. Yet he went anyways.

I leaned over, bringing my suicase onto the bed. I sighed and tucked my hair behind my ear.

"We're back!" Zack shouted from the living area. I smiled to myself, he was gunna flip a lid when he saw my hair... and the fact I was wearing tightish clothes. I had worn nothing but baggy things, mostly something of Matt's or Zack's the past few days because I had literally lost fifteen punds, or even more. I grabbed a deep blue cardigan from the pile of clothes inside my bag and put it on. I crossed my arms and walked out.

"So what have you been doing all mo-" Zack turned around as he heard me walking out "Uhm..."

"Surprise?" I smiled, raising my arms in the air.

"What the fuck did you do?" Zack asked, looking not at my hair but at my body "You're..." He stopped as his green eyes widened "Is this because-"

"Hey, where's-" Matt stopped in his tracks as he saw me, everyone behind him crashing into him.

"Matt what the fuck? Dude!" Brian shoved him forward. Matt staggered to a stop, his eyes staring at me. Once again, the body caught more attention.

Everyone else had begun to stare by now, and I could feel my skin crawling "What? You don't like blonde?"

"Blonde?" Zack asked "Blonde?! You're fucking... fucking..." He stammered for words "WHAT HAPPENED?!"

"What?" I asked and looked down "I lost some weight, sheesh. You act like it's a crime."

"It practically is when you barely weighed anything to begin with!" Zack shouted, walking over to me "I shouldn't have said that the other day... I'm sorry... I didn't mean it and you know it!" He said, grabbing my arm.

"Where are you... what are you doing?" I asked as he grabbed things from the mini fridge "Zack!" I shouted, shaking his arm.

"You're eating, come on. I'm not watching you ruin your body again." He huffed "You can't do this to yourself."

"It's not what you said! Zack!" I groaned.

"Then what did this? Hm?" He asked as everyone watched "What triggered you fucking not eating? Are you throwing up? Is she throwing up?" He looked at Matt.

"No, not that I know of." He shook his head.

Zack grabbed my hands, "Tell me what's wrong, tell me the fucking truth. It's the least you could do right now."

"It was you, ok?" I said and watched as his eyes drained of all light and emotion "I didn't want it to be, but what you said got me thinking and... yah, so I'm not eating. So I lost weight, but what? At least I'm not passed out in the bathroom!" I shouted.

"Well you could have been!" Zack said loudly, "Why? Why do you listen to me?"

"Because you're my fuckin' brother, Zack." I rolled my eyes "But whatever."

"No, not whatever. I'm sorry, now will you please eat something?" He asked, holding my hands in his.

I looked him dead in the eyes and shook my head "No. Because I'm fine." I closed my mouth and walked into Matt's and I's room, closing the door quietly.

*Matt's POV*

"I'm such a fucking douche..." Zack groaned under his breath, sinking down to the floor "I'm killing my sister."

"No, you aren't." I sighed "I'm gunna go talk to her. It'll all be ok, don't piss your pants over it." I walked to the door and opened it, slipping through and shutting it tight.

I looked over to the bed where I heard crying. Jackie was pressed against the headboard, her knees pulled to her chest, and her bleach blonde hair hiding her face. Her legs were so thin she looked 2D. "Babe..." I whispered, walking over to the bed. I hadn't even noticed how thin she had been getting, and it scared me that she could go this long without anyone noticing. It showed how much we needed to pay more attention to her, even though we know she doesn't want it.

She looked up, black make up smearing her papery white skin "Go away."

I sat down and pulled her into my arms, wondering for a second if she had actually moved with me or if she slipped through my arms. I looked at her and noticed she was leaning against my chest "This isn't healthy." I whispered, kissing her forhead.

"I know." She muttered back.

"He didn't mean it." I whispered again, holding her lightly because I felt that her body would break.

"I know."

"Will you go give him a hug? He's beating himself up over this." I sighed as she stood up "I love you, babe."

"I love you too." She smiled, her red lips giving way to her pearly whites.

I smiled and followed her out. She located Zack as he sat on the couch, talking to Jimmy. She ran up to him and jumped on him, tackling him to the floor.

"You son of a bitch!" She shouted, hugging him tight "I'm a moody fuckin' woman, don't ever blame yourself again. Or I'll fuckin' snap your neck."

Zack stared up at her as everyone in the room laughed "I'm sorry." Zack whispered as he embraced Jackie, sitting on the floor with her.

"I'm sorry for taking it to heart." She whispered back.

"You shouldn't have, you're the most gorgeous sister I guy could ask for. You and Gena... I'm so fuckin' blessed to have such gorgeous women around." Zack smiled, kissing Jackie's tear stained cheek.

"Yah and y'all are some pretty fuckin' hot men." Jackie smirked as Zack picked her up "Hey! Legs here!" She pointed to her legs.

Zack laughed "Yah well until you get the stuff called 'muscle' back in them," He snickered a little "I'm carrying you."

Jackie smacked his arms, causing them to give out. She landed on her feet with a smile "Ok see? I walk."

Zack rolled his eyes as she sat on the couch "We leave in twenty minutes. You gunna eat before we catch the bus?"

"I'll raid the bus." She smirked "I'm kinda lazy and fat."

We all glared at her "Shut up." Brian pushed her shoulder, sending her crashing into Jimmy.

"You're skinnier than me..." Jimmy poked her ribs "Fuck, girl..."

"Yah, I WIN!" She raised her hands in the football goal post fashio as we all shook our heads.