If Only

"Hayley," my mom called from the other room. I ignored my mom's calling and stayed glued to the floor, watching television. "Hayley!" My mom's voice getting louder. I still didn't move my eyes from the television. "Hayley!" My mom's voice sounded really mad. I flinched and looked. She was already there in the living room, behind me, with a kid in her arms. My eyes widened.

"Wh-Who's that, mommy?" I slowly stood up and pointed at the small little boy.

"This is Max." My mom smiled at Max as she introduced him to me. "He's your new playmate." I stared at him and he stared at me. He smiled and waved at me. I waved back, not smiling, and looked at my mom.

"But boys have cooties mommy!" I yelled, while making a disgusted face and pointing at Max.

"I do not have cooties!" Max shouted back at me.

"Hayley, Max is a normal kid and does not have cooties." My mom explained to me and Max stuck out his tongue to mock me. I stuck my tongue out too. "Hayley!" I looked up to my mom and she said, "Be nice to Max." Max grinned because my mom was on his side. I turned around and sat back down, watching television, while crossing my arms across my chest.

Then I felt a person sitting next to me and I turned to see who it was... It was Max, smiling like a fool. "I'm sorry," Max said, still smiling. I didn't say anything - it was like a practical joke and I don't want to fall into his boyish trap. "I really am," Max's turned serious. "I didn't mean to get you in trouble. You just think all boys have cooties..."

"Don't all boys have cooties!?" I asked, releasing my crossed arms.

"Ha ha! No, I'm different from those boys who have cooties." Max smiled and I laughed. "I swear, I'm different." He held out his hands and I was scared to touch it. "I don't bite too..." I giggled and shook his hand. "Good, now we're on good terms." And he grinned and I smiled.

Max and I watched TV the whole time, but he would always talk every commercial. My mom brought us snacks when it was snack time and told us to go out to the backyard after we were done eating. Max and I raced to the yard and played in my sandbox. After awhile, we went to my swings... And talked again. It was mostly Max who talked, but I enjoyed it.

And when Max had to go, I was a little sad.

"Max," my mom entered the living room. Max and I looked up. "Your dad is here, sweetie." Max stood up and held out his hand. I grabbed it and he pulled me up.

"What? No hug, buddy?" Max asked and held out his arms. I rolled my eyes and hugged Max.

"Aw!" Max and I let go and turned to see my mom and his dad by the entry of the living room. I slightly move away from Max and Max laughed. He put his hand on my right shoulder and I looked at his hand, then him.

"Remember, I have no cooties!" Max smiled and ran to his dad. His dad knelt down and opened his arms. "Hey, daddy!" Max's dad carried him and said their goodbyes to my mom and me. I walked over to the window to watch Max and his dad leave. Max caught me and waved again. I waved back. Then my mom called me to take a bath.

I can't wait for tomorrow for Max to come. It's only been a day, but I have a little crush on Max... Even if he has or don't have cooties.

And twenty-four years later, we're still best friends... Just friends. Over the years, my crush for him grew to love. I never loved anyone in the course of those years. I only had feelings for my best friend. Max was everything I looked for. He was the one I wanted, but I'm guessing it was never meant to be...

At the age of five, I kept it a secret to everyone that I had a tiny crush on Max. Every time he came over, I couldn't help but giggle a lot around him. And everyday, we got closer and closer and everyday I liked him more. We practically did almost everything together... And in those moments, I enjoyed his lovely company.

When we were fifth grade, I actually had the guts to give him a love letter... But I put 'anonymous' and worked really hard to change my handwriting... He told me about it that very same day that he received my love letter - he told me he loved it and I couldn't help, but smile. But Max didn't know it was from me, he thought it was from Elizabeth. And I was a little sad...

By the time we were in Junior High, I still loved him. And things begin to change. Max started crushing and dating other girls by seventh grade. He was obviously a ladies man and a very popular guy. He had many friends, but I was still his number one best friend out of everyone. We still did almost everything together and I always cherished those moments together.

But one day, Max called me and told me that his mom had tragically died from a car crash. And in those days of Max's grieving, I was there to hold him tight in my arms and tell him I'd always be there for him... I, even said the words, 'I love you' to him and he looked at me and smiled. He said, 'I love you too Hayley... You're my best friend forever.' I cried, knowing that he only saw me as a 'best friend' and nothing more. Max didn't notice and took it that I was hurt by the tragedy too... I was, but I was more hurt by the 'best friends forever' thing he said.

Even though there were guys who liked me, I didn't care about them. My heart solely belonged to Max and him alone. I denied every guy who had thought they had a chance with me. Max even jokingly said, "Hayley, boys don't have cooties, remember?!" And I smiled. Of course I remember... That was when we first met and the time I had a crush on you. And I responded, "I don't like them..." Max just put his arms around me and gave me a noogie.

When high school started, Max was the only person I knew. And I was happy he was there with me throughout the year. And all the days the went by, I thought of ways to tell Max how I felt about him. When I finally had the confidence to tell him, he told me the same exact words a year later... "You are my fucking best friend forever, Hayley. Really, I love you lots!" And he hugged me and I struggled not to cry.

Max and I maybe in high school and were young adults... We were still inseparable. Even though he had 'girlfriends', he'd ditch them when I need him. He'd always come over my house every after school and hang out. We did almost everything together and in those moments, I kept the memories.

All throughout high school, I thought of ways to tell Max. But when I had the will power to confess, I'd back away because those words were stuck into my brain... 'Best friends forever'. And when it haunts me, it makes me cry because for all I know, Max only sees me as a 'best friend' not a lover. But what kept me going was that I always had Max with me. He was always there for me, we were always together, he never forgot me, and I would never forget him.

Senior prom came and tons of guys tried their best asking me, but I denied them all. Max did the same to the girls and I thought it's because he doesn't like dancing... But he surprised me and everyone in that cafeteria that day. Max asked me to go to the prom with him and I laughed on how he asked me...

"Hayley, we've been best friends since we were five and remember when you were afraid to touch me because I might have cooties? And then I told you that not all boys have cooties and I was different? Well, I was right, wasn't I?" Everyone laughed, including me. "Ha ha, Hayley..." Max kneels with one leg and holds out his hand, holding a flower towards me and the other hand holding the mic said, "I'd love to take you, my best friend, to the prom." And the room went wild with clapping and cheering. But then it got silent when Max raised his hand, still holding the flower. "This is the only best way I can thank you for always being there for me.."

I was smiling and tears ran down my face. I took the flower and nodded my head. I was fully red and Max hugged me and whispered, "I love you best friend." And I cried more... He might be taking me to the prom, but he still only thought of me as a best friend. Prom night was amazing... Max looked amazing and he complimented me on how I looked that evening. We danced, laughed, and had fun... I even had the last dance with him.

We did almost everything together, even went to the same college. And even through college, I tried all my might to finally confess to Max... But those four years of thinking and trying failed. I never got the chance to say anything because Max had gotten serious with a girl in our Sophomore year in college. I remember pretending to be happy for Max, but cried my eyes out every night. I was literally in pain.

But Max never forgot about me... He was always there for me and his girlfriend knew how much I meant to Max. And Max and I still did almost everything together... I still wanted to be his lover and at the same time his best friend. Max's girlfriend, Denise, was very nice to me and we became close friends... But I was jealous of her, she had my best friend to be her lover.

The years went on...

And today is Max and Denise's wedding day... While the ceremony went on, I was crying. Silently to myself and I was glad that I was wearing water-proof make-up. I can't help it but think... I should have said something to him. I should have told him how I felt. All these years I've wasted, being scared to tell him that I love him.

And all these years, I wondered why we weren't lovers and best friends at the same time.