This Time, I Mean It

My heart skipped a couple of beats and my stomach fell like a lead weight.

Had I heard him right?

Time stood still, neither of us said anything and he couldn’t look at me.

He was married.

Married?

He had a wife.

That was the moment when I ran for it, just turned and ran. I didn’t know where I was going but I knew I couldn’t stay here with Bob. I didn’t want to find out the truth that all along, all I was to him was a fling, an affair. I was his mistress, the other woman, I was all those things.

I’d been a fool.

I dodged the traffic, car horns were blaring at me but I was oblivious. I ran, tears streaming down my face, wiping the back of my hand across my snotty nose as I passed people who I knew were looking at me but I couldn’t look at them back.

I couldn’t face them.

I couldn’t face Bob because…well…he was married and he’d made a fool out of me.

I ran and ran until I could run no more, stopping outside a shop, glancing in the window, looking at nothing in particular but stopping just to catch my breath.

The bastard.

How could he do this to me?

He’s used me I thought turning away from the window. I saw a coffee shop across the street and decided to go there. There was nowhere else to go and there was no one else to talk to apart from Kitty but she had her own problems at the moment.

I walked across the street and into the café and sat right at the back, out of sight so that no-one could see me. Not that he’d come looking anyway.

I ordered a sweet, milky coffee and sat there, staring at it, unable to believe what I’d just done. I’d ran out on him without letting him explain.

But what was there to explain?

Bob Bryer, the guy that I’d fallen in love with was married.

It was as simple as that.

Simple for him may be but…for me? It wasn’t a fling that I’d wanted; it was someone to share my life with, to have future plans with and…to have children with.

My hand flew to my stomach and I thought about the baby that grew there.

What would I do now? I just didn’t know. I drank my coffee down, ordered another one, let that grow cold as my mind was overrun with all sorts of thoughts then glancing up I noticed it had grown dark outside and decided I’d better get back to my apartment.

Back to my lonely, cold and empty apartment and back to a lonely, cold and empty existence.

I’d loved him. I’d loved him so much, I was sure he felt the same way, sure of it I thought as I wrapped my jacket around me against the chill evening air and walked home, my head aching from it all and hating myself for being such a fool.

He was a rock star and I was just one of those girls that had slept with him and he hadn’t told me he was married and me, stupid me hadn’t even realised.

But then everyone else must have known, the rest of MCR, Kitty must have, surely?

Nothing fitted, nothing seemed right. No one had mentioned he was married at all.
No one.

But then, may be they thought I’d known and had just gone along with it.

Maybe, possibly, most definitely they all thought I was a slut.

Well I was a slut for having slept with a married man. Stupid, stupid cow.

But it still didn’t fit to me. So how come he took me home to meet his parents then? You don’t take your ‘other woman’ to meet the folks I thought, my feet still pounding the pavement.

But then he did mention her. Sarah. Well, he’d sort of mentioned her because he didn’t want to talk about her because it had hurt him too much.

As I turned the corner to the apartment I felt sick from being such an idiot and for thinking that may be Bob could have been ‘the one’.

Well, he already had ‘the one’ tucked nicely at home like a good little wifey. I felt sorry for her then, the poor wifey at home; probably totally oblivious as to what her husband was up to.

The bastard.

I shook my head as I climbed the steps to the front door of the apartment block and that’s when I saw him, sitting there in a hunched position in the dark.

“Liz!” He said, standing up quickly and coming over to me. His eyes were damp. What had he been crying for? He looked concerned, I give him that. “Thank God, I was so worried about you.” He said running his hand through his hair. I’d done that once, touched his hair, that soft golden hair.

Were you? More worried about me than your wife at home? I thought.

I turned and put the key into the lock, totally ignoring him.

“Please Liz, I had to tell you but…listen, it’s not what you think. I need to explain. Back then wasn’t the right time. Please Liz, let me explain. I…I think you’ll understand.”

Understand?

What, that you have a wife that you never even mentioned before? I thought to myself as I pushed open the door.

So, this was probably it, he’d explain that he was married, he’d made a huge mistake in getting together with me but…he loved his wife dearly and they were going to make a go of it and that would be that.

The end of our time together and I thought it was only just beginning.

As I let him in, I still couldn’t speak to him but as he passed me I just had to look up at him and take in those beautiful blue eyes and remember the lip ring that had grazed certain parts of my body.

Blushing heavily I turned away.

I hated myself for being such a fool.