This Time, I Mean It

“I’m…sorry.” Said Bob, practically whispering it, she just about heard him. Then he turned to look at her and she knew straightaway that he was sorry.

But sorry for what? Sorry that he’d met her? Sorry that he hadn’t told her? He was still married. So he couldn’t be sorry for that.

She didn’t answer him just watched him squirm, may be a little bit of her enjoyed watching him squirm, she was going to enjoy watching him explain and then she’d tell him where to go. She wasn’t going to be treated like this by anyone, especially not him.

“I…need to explain properly, I need to tell you the whole story.” He said running his hand through his long hair. She wanted to do that but she knew she wouldn’t be touching those long locks ever again.

She decided she wasn’t going to speak because if she did she’d probably burst into tears and she wasn’t going to give him the benefit of crying in front of him. Crying over him, he’d enjoy that.

She reached for her coffee and took a sip, then replaced the mug back onto the coffee table and then sat back in the armchair waiting for his explanation. She glanced at the clock on the wall. It was almost eleven at night. She remembered they’d got off the plane at four o’clock that afternoon and suddenly she remembered Kitty going into the hospital and hoped she was OK. She wanted to call her up and see if she’d managed to get hold of Gerard but now wasn’t the time. She felt there was going to be long conversations with Kitty tomorrow about them and now this…

“Its not what you think Liz, it really isn’t. No-one else knows that I’m married.” Bob said glancing at her.

This surprised Liz, she thought all the guys shared everything, had talked about everything. Obviously not. Why hadn’t he told them? So he could continue being a two-faced bastard she supposed, so he could continue living the rock star life and shag around.

That’s probably why.

If he was looking for a response he wasn’t going to get one she thought, still staring at him as he reached and played with his lip ring. She’d noticed he’d done this before, when nervous before a show, he twisted it round and round.

“I met Sarah when we were still at school,” he said then sighed and shifted awkwardly in his seat, he sat forward his arms resting on his legs leaning down but looking at her, his blue eyes she loved meeting hers. “She was one of those people that everyone loves, sweet, kind, girls wanted to be her friend and the boys, they wanted to be more than friends. I always quite liked her, just like all the rest but knew I wouldn’t stand a chance with her but she came on to me one day, just came out and said that she wanted to go out with me and would I go out with her. Of course I did, of course I wanted to but she had a bad reputation where guys were concerned, she went out with them for a while and then dumped them quickly. It was at this point that she started to lose friends, she’d taken a couple of girls boyfriends and boys just wanted to see how far they could get with her. You know the type.”

Liz still didn’t respond. Why would she? She just wanted to know why he was married to Sarah and hadn’t told her. Just get on with it.

“Well we went out and it was great, I fell in love with her and we went out for two years, everything seemed fine. That’s when it happened. We’d just left school; it was before I met up with the guys and…she told me she was pregnant.”

Pregnant.

Just like she was, pregnant with Bob’s child. So this baby growing inside her wasn’t his first, her baby wouldn’t be Bob’s first baby and she hadn’t expected that news but she listened to what else Bob had to say.

“She said she wanted to keep it which surprised me. We’d discussed this happening before and we’d always said that…well, we were too young to have kids.”

“Not too young to make them though.” Said Liz, slight bitterness in her voice.

“You’re right,” said Bob looking down for an instant.

“We talked about what we could do for the best and I decided I wanted to do the proper thing and marry her, we’d been together for two years and everything was fine between us. She’d always gone on about getting married one day, it was something she’d always wanted to do since she had been a child, one of her dreams. She just wanted to get married, make a home and have loads of children. I used to laugh at her and say she was too young and that she hadn’t got any ambition but now, now I had no choice. I wanted to do what was right.”

Marriage.

She’d always wanted that too, Liz had always wanted to get married, to have the huge white wedding thing with her family and friends present, to declare her love for the man she loved. That was what she had wanted too. It was just something she felt the need to do one day.

“So we did it, we got married. It wasn’t extravagant, as we didn’t have much money. Her parents hardly had anything between them so my parents paid for everything. I worked hard to keep us in a small apartment, I worked all hours and then, three months later I found a letter in our beside drawer. The letter told me that…that she’d aborted our baby six weeks earlier and she was to go and have a check up with the hospital to see that everything was OK.”

“Oh Bob,” Liz said, surprising herself for having spoken out. So this…this Sarah got rid of his baby.

“She killed our baby without telling me. I’d done everything for her that I possibly could. I confronted her and she laughed in my face saying that I’d been stupid to even have thought that she really loved me all along, she’d met another guy just after we’d got married and she’d realised then that she couldn’t have my baby after all. The money I’d been giving her she’d been saving so that she could leave with this other guy. I kicked her out there and then, went back home to my parents and then met the guys shortly after, I threw myself into working with them but never telling them about Sarah. We never divorced because I didn’t know where to find her but she sends me letters now and again saying she wants me back as she’s not with the other guy any longer. She sends anniversary cards on our anniversary and such like, photographs of herself.”

Like the one that came out of your bag thought Liz. The bitch killed your baby. My god that must have hurt like hell, thought Liz holding onto her stomach where her baby was growing. Their baby. She realised she could never do such a thing, even if they weren’t together, she’d never do that.

“Do you want her back?” She said. She had to know.

“I’ve never want her back, I’d never have taken her back, not after what she did. Look, I’m sorry Liz,” he said standing up. “I should have…should have told you all about Sarah a lot sooner its just that…its something I want to forget but sometimes I can’t.”

“May be you still love Sarah.” Liz said watching Bob’s face. He looked so sad.

“I don’t love her, she’s a bitch, but it’s hard to forget what she did. It’s hard to forget that she got rid of our baby. I often think about the baby, wondering whether it would have been a little boy or girl, looking at children the same age. It never leaves me. It’s that that hurts. I’m glad I’m not with her anymore and I never want to see her again. Look, I’m going to go, I’ve said what I had to Liz. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner but it wasn’t something I could talk about easily.”

“It must have been difficult for you,” said Liz realizing now that although he was married on paper he wasn’t really married at all. But it must have been devastating for him to have lost his baby without even getting to know it.

“It was and I should have explained sooner, I’m going Liz,” said Bob leaving the room. She couldn’t move but wanted to. She was confused; he’d poured his heart out to her and knew that in itself must have been hard for him. She heard the front door open, realisation hitting her that he was about to go so hurriedly got off her seat and ran into the hallway and shouted after him.

“Bob! Don’t go. I want to talk some more. Please…please stay.”