This Time, I Mean It

Amazingly Gerard played the show well. He looked like shit but he managed it and I don’t think the audience noticed that he was stoned out of his head. It was just us that knew, his close friends.

Kitty was standing next to me and I could smell the stale beer fumes coming from her. She still looked awful, she had these purple coloured bags under her eyes but I’d persuaded her to get a shower and clean herself up. I’d done her hair for her; blow dried it and left it hanging loose about her shoulders.

Gerard hadn’t showered. He smelt dreadful, I’d laughingly tried to tell him to get a shower but he wasn’t interested, just went to the cupboard and took out another bottle of Jack Daniels.

I noticed the look that passed between Ray and Bob. Mikey just looked sad about the whole situation, he must be so worried about Gerard. Something would have to be done.

While doing Kitty’s hair I asked her outright what she was playing at.

“What do you mean what am I playing at?” She said, her eyes slightly sunken and she looked as though she’d lost weight, no time for eating while there were drink and drugs on tap I supposed.

“You told me the last time I was here that you’d taken drugs with that…that Bert guy but you promised me it was a one off and you wouldn’t do it again,” I said combing her silken hair. I glanced at her in the mirror, her eyes were filling up with tears and this wasn’t the reaction I thought I’d get.

”I’m frightened Liz,” she whispered, “its all got out of control. We went back there and it happened again, and now, we’re hooked, both of us, equally, both the same. Each day we say we’re not going to do it but once we get in the company of Bert who Gerard just loves and we’ve had a few drinks then…he gets the drugs out.”

“So, how many times have you done this?” I said. I’d stopped combing her hair and had sat next to her.

“I’ve lost count. I can’t think straight half the time and I…I haven’t painted for ages.”

“Oh Kitty, what are you going to do?” I said putting my arm around her. She’d lost more weight than I thought she had, her shoulders were very bony.

“I don’t know but I’m sure we can stop it, we talked this afternoon and we’ve promised ourselves that we won’t do it again, we’re not going back to Bert’s bus tonight. We can’t Liz.”

“Good, that’s a good start, as long as you’re in this together and you stick together about doing it them I’m sure it’ll be fine,” I said.

She’d only nodded, I knew this was the beginning and we had a long way to go.

**

Standing next to her though at the edge of the stage she suddenly got angry about being filmed by the video crew that I noticed had been on the bus a couple of times, filming the guys.

”Look, I told you I don’t want to be in your fucking video,” said Kitty, her eyes wild. This wasn’t like her, even if she didn’t want something she was more reasonable than that.

”Sorry,” said the guy moving his camera away.

“Yeah, so you fucking should be, assshole,” she said.

“Kitty, what’s wrong?” I said not recognising Kitty at all.

“They’re filming some DVD of the guy’s lives and I told them I wouldn’t be in it. They wanted to interview me about my life with Gerard but I don’t want to do it. Gerard and the guys understand, why don’t they?” she said.

“Why not? Why don’t you want to be in it?” I said but I knew she hated having her photograph taken so I wasn’t surprised really.

”You know what I’m like, I want at least a little bit of my life to be my own.” She said. “What do they want to know about me for? There’s nothing interesting about me,” she said putting herself down.

”Do you still have your plans for the gallery? I haven’t heard you mention it for some time,” I said.

“Yeah but…I don’t think its going to be possible yet,” she said. “I’ve…I’ve spent a lot of Dad’s money.”

”What on?” I asked

“On drugs,” she said then turned and walked off, where she went I don’t know because I couldn’t find her for ages.

**

I didn’t like Eliza all that much as soon as I saw her. The day we met we had been shopping, Jamia and Kitty and I. Kitty looked better that day, both her and Gerard looked like their old selves and I hoped my talk with Kitty and about her avoiding Bert was finally going to be the thing that turned them.

I don’t know what it was that I didn’t like about Eliza but I think it was the fact that she tried to fit in with everyone straight away, tried to be like everyone before even getting to know them properly.

She also fancied the pants off of Gerard. That was obvious to nearly everyone, Kitty could sense it but she didn’t feel threatened by it. Gerard didn’t have a clue.

She was a pretty girl with huge eyes and a smiley face she just wasn’t like any of us and didn’t really fit in. She knew this and she tried desperately hard. Too hard and most of us could see straight through her.

She only stayed for a couple of days and I was glad to see the back of her. Sometimes she was fun but she was too loud and I think just the sound of her voice began to get on everyone’s nerves.

**

Two days later at lunch time Mikey and Bob came through to the lounge where I was sitting just skimming through a magazine.

”Liz!” Said Mikey. “You have to come, we can’t wake Gerard and Kitty up. Please, see if you can do anything.” He said his face pale. I looked up at Bob, he looked drawn and upset. This whole thing was getting to everyone.

“What?” I said getting up, my stomach sinking. What the fuck did they mean? I knew they went for a walk last night, quite late the two of them as I was up reading my book but…surely they didn’t head over to Bert’s bus. Please god. Please god they’re all right.

They were snuggled up together, as they usually were, arms wraped around each other, like a couple of sleeping angels.

I shook Kitty as she was nearest to me. Her body just moved as I moved her.

“Kitty!” I said, “Wake up for god’s sake, what is wrong with you?” I shouted.

“Its no use Liz, we’ve tried all that,” said Bob standing next to me, he looked so concerned, poor Bob. “Shall I call an ambulance,” he said.

I could hear Mikey quietly sobbing. Poor soul.

“No, wait, get some water,” I said and Bob rushed off and in less than a minute he was back with a jug of ice cold water. I took it and threw it over the sleeping pair. Surely this would wake them up.

It did.

“What the…” said Kitty.

“Hey….” Said Gerard.

Both of them turned to look at me with blurry eyes, bloodshot eyes, eyes that looked lifeless and dull.

“What are you playing at?” said Gerard looking at me, angry.

“What am I playing at? What am I playing at?” I said. “What the fuck are you two playing at? Your killing yourselves, can’t you see it? This has to end, can’t you hear your brother out there crying. Crying because he…we…thought you were both dead, OK? That’s why I threw the water. You two need to fucking sort yourselves out because one day you will be dead,” I said then I stormed out, so very angry, I had to get out of the bus quickly.

I stood outside the bus, my heart pounding and worried for Kitty and Gerard and what would become of them.

“Liz are you OK?” said Bob coming up beside me and putting a hand on my shoulder. A huge hand, a drummer’s hand, warm and comforting at that moment.

“Not really Bob, I don’t know what to do for them anymore,” I said. Then he just pulled me to him, into his black hoody, his zip pressing against my cheek, his arms wrapped about me, just holding me close while I cried.

“Something needs to be done,” said Bob. “I can’t stand by and watch them do this any longer, we’ve got to come up with something.” He said.

I looked up at him, his bright blue eyes squinting against the bright sun, “actually Bob, I think I have an idea but…they’re going to hate me.”