This Time, I Mean It

We were all sat around the tour bus table looking as though somebody had already died.

We’d been discussing Kitty and Gerard and they were right here with us, listening in, listening to what we felt and what we wanted to do for them.

“I don’t believe you phoned Mel,” said Kitty. She looked disappointed in me but I felt I had no choice. I’d spoken to Ray and Mikey, Frank and Bob and they had agreed. Mel was going to sort out a rehab place for Kitty while the rest of the guys in the band and Alicia and Jamia would take good care of Gerard while they finished the tour.

“She had no choice Kitty,” said Ray. He looked sad, the whole thing was sad. Kitty was going away tomorrow but I was going with her, I’d promised her that much.

I looked at Gerard and he looked devastated and exhausted. He had a show to do tonight and it would be the last show that Kitty would be seeing of there’s for a while. It shouldn’t be too long though, about six weeks in rehab should do it. Mel, Kitty’s sister and her husband Ted were paying for it. They blamed Gerard obviously saying that they knew he’d be a bad influence all the long. Well I let them think that, I didn’t have the energy to argue with them I just wanted to get Kitty and Gerard better and this was the only answer, everyone agreed it was for the best and before long, they’d be back together, clean and happy and ready to face the world.

“I’m sorry but I had to,” I said hating all this. Why couldn’t we just turn the clock back just a few months before all the drugs? But then there had been the drinking too, if it hadn’t of been Bert may be it would have been someone else that provided the drugs for them.

That night the show was amazing. Kitty was on the side watching, crying knowing that she’d be parting from her Gerard tomorrow but she’d had a quiet word with me earlier knowing that she was doing the right thing. Her and Gerard had had a discussion and that was that; they’d both come to terms with it.

They would be parting for a while.

Little did any of us know how long for.

I’d brought my camera on this visit and had snapped a few photographs of the guys earlier before they went on stage but Gerard wasn’t in the mood. I had quite a few of Bob and Ray and a couple of Frank. I was glad I’d taken the camera and had a few pictures taken with the guys because I didn’t know when I’d get to see them again.

Bob and I had chatted more this trip, Kitty and Gerard’s unfortunate circumstances having brought us together. I was right, he did have a good side and he was the first to say that he’d take good care of Gerard. He had a friend that went through something similar so he would know how to handle Gerard.

He too commented on how good they were together and he said he was a little more worried about the fact that they wouldn’t be together, worrying about how that would affect them. They’d been together almost ten years, a long time from right when they were young. They were hardly ever apart and when they were apart they lived with a phone practically attached to their ears.

Liz worried for Kitty, she worried how she’d cope without Gerard but she’d be there for her. There was nothing else anyone could do.

When Gerard came off stage drenched with sweat he came straight over to Kitty, put his arm around her and they went off somewhere, just the two of them, savouring the moment I supposed.

The rest of us went back to the tour bus, we had one beer each but it didn’t really feel right drinking now, especially not if Kitty and Gerard came back on the bus. But they didn’t come back until the early hours of the morning, I hoped and prayed that they hadn’t had one last ‘fix’ with Bert.

I couldn’t sleep, I tossed and turned hearing Gerard and Kitty talking, whispering, sometimes Kitty cried. I could hear them making love but put the pillow over my head, blocking their sounds out. I imagined all of us doing that, I’m sure none of us slept hardly at all.

**

I hated the next day so much; Mel was coming fairly early to take us back to New Jersey. Kitty was going straight into this rehab place, they weren’t even taking her home, she was to go straight there to get better.

Gerard and Kitty were gone when we got up and for a fleeting instant I wondered if they’d run off, I wouldn’t put it past them, they hated being apart and I grew anxious, just like the other guys when I heard the toot of a car horn.

It was Mel and Ted and Gerard and Kitty weren’t here.

Shit. Where were they?

I didn’t want to leave the bus and tell Mel that Kitty had disappeared but Bob reassured me.

“Its OK, they’re here,” he said watching the attractive couple, arms around each other in their usual manner as they approached Mel and Ted’s car.

Ray appeared. “Have you got Kitty’s bag?” he said. He looked upset, I was sure he’d even been crying but I didn’t know him that well.

“Yes, it’s all packed and ready.”

“I’ll take it out,” said Bob lifting up the bag, my heart fluttering at his strong actions. I wondered if I’d stayed whether or not anything would have developed between us. May be I was keener than him, may be he wasn’t interested at all in me.

Now, I’d never know.

“Are you OK?” said Ray. I so liked Ray, he was such a gentle guy, it amazed me how he played his guitar the way he did he was so gentle. Gentle and kind, I didn’t even think he could harm a fly.

“Not really, I wish this wasn’t happening,” I said then sighed.

“Come on,” he said putting his arm across my shoulders. “We’d better get you on your way.”

I nodded and let him guide me out of the bus.

**

She was clinging to him and it was awful. She was wailing his name and we had to pry her from him. I knew she’d be upset but I wasn’t expecting this.

”Please Gerard, I want to stay here with you,” she said tears streaming down her face.

“I know, I want you here too but it’s for the best,” said Gerard. He was crying openly too and I didn’t like to see that, it was like a private moment between them and we all felt uncomfortable being there.

“I love you Kitty, it’s going to be OK. We need to do this,” he said grabbing her for the last time and holding her against him. “Before you know it we’ll be back together.” He said.

“I know and I love you too Gerard Way, don’t you forget that now,” she said.

“We have to go,” said Ted. “We’ve got a long drive ahead of us.” Ever practical, that was Ted.

Ted and Mel got into the front seat of the car.

“Come on Kitty,” I whispered going over to the couple. “We have to go.”

She turned to me and I took her hand, she was skin and bone and she needed looking after.

She kept looking back at him as I put her into the car, her blue eyes filled with tears as she sat there looking out at no-one else but him.

“Good luck Gerard,” I said to him then put my hand out onto his arm but I don’t know if he heard me or not because he started crying openly. He was a mess, his hair hung over his face, in greasy strands. He was still a good-looking guy but he was filthy, his clothes were dirty and he needed looking after too.

What the fuck had they been doing to each other?

Ted started the engine and my stomach lurched, I felt like an ogre splitting them up but it had to be done, we’d agreed as a group this was what we should do for them.

They were all lined up as we drove off, the guys holding Gerard up then Bob gave me a reassuring wink and I knew then he kind of liked me a little but what was the point, I didn’t even know when I’d see him again and it didn’t seem right at this moment when my two best friends were hurting.

But I still got butterflies from that look, that little wink aimed just for me and I took it with me and brought it out sometimes along with the photograph of him that I took that last time I watched him play.

I wondered when I’d see him again. When Kitty and Gerard were back together I supposed.

I couldn’t wait.

But I’d have to.