This Time, I Mean It

I couldn’t sleep. Well how could I thinking ahead to tomorrow night?

I was going to see Bob again and all thoughts of him were keeping me awake.

Did he think of me ever? He must have done to give me two invitations to go backstage for their show at the VMAs. MCR were going to become huge, what with this new album The Black Parade coming out, it was meant to be spectacular and tomorrow night I was going to hear them, see them and see him again.

I smiled then remembering Kitty’s face as I showed her the tickets. She knew nothing about what they were up to, it was as though she’d blocked them out for some reason and I just didn’t get it. Her and Gerard had been together for so long, I always thought they’d stay together and just be together forever. It was weird how things turned out.

Her face was a picture when I said I was going to take her, she was startled and hadn’t expected it and then we’d talked about Gerard.

For the first time since the split she spoke about him. I told her straight that I couldn’t see why she was with Dan and then she admitted that she didn’t really love this Dan at all and she’d never love another like she had Gerard but it was as though she thought this was her lot and she was making do with Dan.

She was a fool and I just wished she’d see sense. They were due to get married and she’d come out openly and said that she’d never wanted to marry him anyway and that there was only one person she’d ever wanted to marry but that wouldn’t be happening.

I was determined to get them back together, they were meant to be together I was sure of it.

But my thoughts were mainly with Bob. I hadn’t stopped thinking about him and his face, his bearded face that I’d wanted to reach out and just put my hand against. I’d checked on the internet to see what the guys were up to and it seemed he didn’t have a girlfriend, Frank and Jamia were still together, Mike and Alicia were engaged, Ray was single and who knew about Gerard. There was so much speculation, some websites saying that he was gay and what a joke that was. Others saying he was with that Eliza girl that did their hair. Her, I hated her from that very first meeting; she’d always tried to get with Gerard even though he was happy with Kitty. She was a bitch and I just hoped he wasn’t with her. Her of all people.

I just couldn’t wait to see Bob, to talk to him and see how he was.

**

Kitty was nervous because she was going to see Gerard again, I could tell she was nervous because she kept fiddling around with her hair like she always did. She looked beautiful though, dressed in a red dress that I knew she’d wear because Gerard always favoured her in red. If he sees her tonight and nothing comes of it, then there is something wrong with him I thought as we flew along in the taxi, my heart pounding in anticipation of seeing Bob again.

**

The air was cold but I felt warm and glowing inside as we waited for them to come out on stage. Kitty was standing near to me. She hadn’t worn her engagement ring so I knew that all was not right with her and Dan. Why didn’t she just tell the guy that it was over then her and Gerard could get back together? It was such a farce; god only knows what they were thinking about not keeping in touch with each other.

Then MCR were coming out, the crowd cheered, I strained my neck to see Bob and then he appeared.

Oh my god, fucking hell he was gorgeous. He was dressed in a kind of military type uniform and I had butterflies as I watched him, his hair slightly longer at the front than I remembered.

He looked so good. I watched him, almost mesmerized as he sat at his drums.

I could watch him forever, just the way he sat, the way he held himself…

And then the music played, this haunting piano solo followed by Gerard singing. It was so good. It had to be a hit, it just had to be.

Glancing round I could see that Kitty had disappeared. She’d probably been overwhelmed too, just like I had and wondered what it was like for her seeing Gerard again. He looked good too and that blonde hair did suit him.

I listened to them for a while then watched as they were being interviewed for the TV, laughing and joking but then having serious moments too as they spoke about the new album and what it meant to them.

Then I got a tap on the shoulder. It was one of the waitresses.

“Excuse me, are you with the girl in the red dress?” she said.

“Yeah, she’s my friend, Kitty, is everything OK?” I asked her.

“She’s feeling unwell and wanted me to get you, she’s this way.” So I followed the waitress, I had to forget watching Bob for a while to go and see Kitty. I hoped she was OK.

She wasn’t too bad; she was in a room out the back. She did look pale but to be quite honest I just thought she was overwhelmed at having seen Gerard; well he had been the love of her life after all.

She’d wanted to go home but I told her I wanted to stay. She was OK about it so I just told her I’d grab her a taxi but as I closed the door to where she was, who was standing there, but Gerard.

“Liz, I’m so glad you came,” he said. “Bob said he saw you in the crowd, he wants to catch up, he’s over there,” he said pointing to a small group of people. I glanced over and saw Bob look at me.

Our eyes met and my stomach flipped at the same time.

“I’m just going to get a taxi for Kitty, she’s feeling unwell and is going home. But she loved the show, I think she was very impressed,” I said. He looked disappointed. “Listen, she’s in there Gerard if you want to speak to her,” I said indicating the room that I’d just come out of.

So I left him to it, I left him to go and talk to Kitty and about bloody time I thought as I went to find someone to fetch her a taxi. I told her it was on its way then I decided to freshen myself up but by the time I’d come out of the toilets Kitty had gone and Gerard was standing outside, as though he was waiting for me. “Listen, Liz, I’m going to do a quick interview but then I’m going to go and see Kitty, I think we need to talk.” Was all he said then for some very strange reason and a reason for which Kitty was going to be angry with me for I gave Gerard the key to the gallery so that he could let himself in and talk to her. It needed to be done and I hoped it worked out and for them. But all I wanted to do now was to find Bob. I desparately wanted to spend some time with him.

I couldn’t find him or see him for ages it seemed but it was probably only five minutes. I didn’t want to go and ask anyone I just wanted to find him for myself. It was hot in the room and the noise levels were high so I decided to go outside, back out to where they’d played earlier. May be Bob was out here I thought to myself.

He was.

He was over by his drum kit just picking up some of his spare sticks that he’d left there. As he stood up, he turned and saw me.

“Liz, I was looking for you earlier,” he said as he came towards me.

“I was getting a taxi for Kitty, she’s gone home. She felt unwell and between you and me, Gerard has gone to be with her.” I said, not caring that Bob knew. He’d understand.

“About fucking time,” he said. “What’s with it with those two? I really don’t believe they didn’t get in contact with each other after…well…you know.” He said.

“Me neither, lets hope they’ve come to their senses at last.” I said unable to take my eyes from his. I’d forgotten how blue they were and how they stood out in his face.

“How have you been?” he said. “Hey shall we go sit over there on those seats?” He said heading off and indicating for me to go with him.

“I’m still teaching and I’m also helping out at kitty’s gallery in the school holidays,” I said sitting alongside him. “She’s done well but I’m…getting fed up with the teaching, the kids are shits and well I feel like doing something else but I just don’t know what.” I said. I’d been feeling that way for ages and hadn’t told anyone how I felt, not even Kitty but being with Bob he was so easy to talk to, I felt I could just tell him anything.

“You should do something else then, don’t stick with something you hate doing Liz, you’ll only end up getting down. Life is for living and doing what you want with it.” He said. “That colour green suits you by the way.”

I blushed. I wasn’t that good at taking compliments. “Thanks,” I mustered up.

“Do you ever have any regrets Liz, anything you wish you could go back and change?” He asked.

I thought about it, “hmmmm, not really," apart from the fact that I wished we could have been slightly more open with each other a couple of years ago but I couldn’t voice that, he’d think I was a fool. I didn’t want to spoil things. “How about you?” I said steering the conversation away from me.

“Yeah, I do, I regret not keeping in contact with you, I think you and I could have…well…I wish I’d have taken you out on a date, just asked you out or something just to see if anything would have come of it. I’ve often thought of you but I think I also thought that Kitty and Gerard would get back together and that I’d end up seeing you anyway. Little did we know.”

Oh my god, I didn’t know that he felt like that. He didn’t really give me any indication that he thought like that at all.

“I always thought you didn’t like me,” I said. “You hardly looked at me and spoke to me in those early days, I thought you thought that I was some stuck up teacher or something,” I said then laughed, slightly embarrassed.

“I couldn’t look at you Liz because I liked you. I liked you, you were funny and intelligent and I didn’t want to admit I liked you because I had this feeling that I wasn’t your type, and remember you were engaged to that other teacher guy in the very beginning so…I kept my feelings to myself.” He said. “So how about it?” He asked me.

”How about what?” I said.

“How about at sometime or other, you and I…go out somewhere, just the two of us, on a date, kind of, starting off again as though we’ve just met.”

I laughed gently hating that he thought I couldn’t want to be with him, he was such a fantastic guy. “I’d love to.” I said but then, before I knew it, he leant in and kissed me, his little beard tickling my face, his huge hand touching my cheek and pulling me closer to him as his lips gently touched mine, his lip ring pushing slightly against me, turning me on.

I was going to enjoy going on a date with Bob.