Slip Into The Tragedy

The past month passed in a blur.
All I knew was I wasn't coping at all.
I was barely hanging on, gripping by my fingernails on the cliff which I was now hanging off.
I tried to look like I was fine, but my charade was slipping.
I woke up every night by the same dream.
I couldn't forget.
I needed to show them all I was coping
I needed Gerard to see I was okay.

"Crash sweetie, here's your coffee"
I looked at the mug that Gerard held out to me, I forgot I asked for one..
I was forgetting everything that wasn't from that night.
"Thank you baby" I sipped at it.
He walked in front of me, blocking the TV, before taking a seat next to me.
He grabbed my hand, kissing it. He took a sip from his mug.
"We're getting a hotel in Washington, to get us all out of these bloody bunks"
Gerard said as he sipped again.
I simply nodded, that's all I did now.
Just nod, agree, barely saying anything.

Time past so quickly now, it seemed like ten minutes and we were already at out hotel.
I only noticed when Gerard pulled on my arm for me to stand.
We walked to our bunks, grabbing our suitcases before walking towards the hotel.
It looked expensive, it was the only thing I noticed.
All of a sudden we were in our hotel room.
I chucked my things on the floor before grabbing my toiletry bag and putting it in the bathroom.
I walked to the main room and laid on the bed.
I was so comfortable!
I threw my hips in the air before crashing them on the bed, bouncing me in the air.
I giggled.
For the first time in weeks! I hoped Gerard would see I was 'okay'

I sat on one of the chairs on the balcony.
Washington is beautiful, I stared at the city for hours.
The sky turned pink, then purple, then a dark blue.
Creating a calming atmosphere as I stared into the night.
I was ready to try again.
I was ready.
I had to be ready..
I.. think I was ready..

I heard Gerard come back in the room, I didn't notice him leave.
But then again I didn't notice anything.
I got up from my chair to walk in the room, he was holding what looked like a menu.
"I hoped we could get some room service for dinner" He smiled at me briefly before looking at the menu again.
I made him so nervous now. I had to stop that.
I walked over to him, snatching the menu from his hand, flinging it over my shoulder.
He raised an eyebrow at me.

I walked closer to him, I was inches away.
I lent up on my toes to kiss him softly. Before dropping down to my normal height.
He raised his other eyebrow at me, he didn't get what I was trying to do.
I grabbed his face softly, pulling him towards me.
Our mouths locked together, I think he understood what I was trying to do.
I deepened the kiss this time, trying to pull his leather jacket off.
He properly understood what I was trying to do and he removed it himself.
Pulling him towards the bed, I started removing my own clothes.
He started removing his own. He lightly pushed me down on the bed.

We were now naked on the bed.
Please be ready, please be ready! I kept repeating in my head.
I NEEDED to be ready.
I bit my lip as I felt him at my entrance.
He entered me slowly.
It was too real, too like that night in the alleyway.
I knew I wasn't ready, not matter how hard I tried to tell myself.
I slipped off the cliff in my head.
"NO!" I yelled.
I used as much force from my body, pushing his chest of me.

I was shaking.
I was going to pieces, I wasn't coping.
I can't handle this.
I ran to the bathroom, grabbing a robe on the way.
Wrapping it around myself as I slammed the door shut, locking it.
I can't handle this, I never will be able to handle this.
I was not coping with this AT ALL.
I felt so juvenile as I ran to my toiletries bag, pulling out my cheap plastic razor.

"I'm not coping, I can't handle this.. I.. If I died I could handle it" I said to myself.
I looked at the blades in the razor, they cut your legs so easy, they were always so sharp.
My fingernails clawed at the cheap plastic.
"Fucking open!" I yelled at the object.
Finally it did, in my rush to get it out the sharp blades cut into my fingers, surprising I felt nothing.
"Crash, are you okay" Gerard voice was outside the door.
"No!" I yelled. I didn't realize I was crying till I heard it in my voice.
I sat on the floor grabbing the thin metal in my hand.

"Crash, I'm sorry, please come out" His voice was so soothing, I struggled to get up off the floor to go to him.
"I'm not coping Gerard, I.. I can't do this anymore. I can't live this life anymore"
He said nothing, he hesitated.
"Crash" His voice was wary "What are you doing!"
I forced myself to not think of him as I ran the thin metal down my left wrist.
"I'm not coping Gerard!" I repeated "I don't want to live anymore"
I ran the razor down my wrist again. I watched with a strange satisfaction as I saw how much blood was coming out.
"What are you fucking doing in there Crash!" His voice was louder now.
"Trying to kill myself!" I roared. Cutting myself again and again.
I started on my right wrists.

I jumped as a loud banging was coming from the door.
"Open the door!" He was yelling now, using his shoulder or foot to bash the door.
I shook my head, even though he couldn't see.
I sliced my skin again.
"Ashley, open the fucking door!" More banging.
I forced myself to push him out of my mind.
I had to be selfish with this. I couldn't live through this.
"I'm sorry Gerard, I love you"
I gripped the small metal in my hand, cutting as deep as it would go.

My body curled into a ball against the wall.
Everything became blurry.
My eyelids began slipping, trying to close.
"Ashley!" Gerard's beautiful voice was warped by my ears.
A figure in black ran at me, all I could see was black, I couldn't see Gerard's face.
I felt myself slipping, my eyes rolled back into my head as my eyelids slid shut.