Slip Into The Tragedy

I was dead wasn't I?
I was meant to be dead.
Can't I please be dead?

There was an annoying beeping near my head.
If I was dead then I shouldn't be annoyed, especially by some weird beeping near my head.
I squeezed my eyes shut and wrinkled my nose.
Something was jammed up my fucking nose!
I pulled my arm up to try and pull out what that was but my fingers wouldn't co-operate.
I grunted with frustration as my fingers refused to help me!
I was startled when I opened my eyes to a figure sitting by my bed. Then I realized I was in hospital.
Gerard rested his elbows on the bed, his fingers linked together with his chin resting on his fingers.
He looked so tired, so angry.

"When you cut your wrists, you cut to the muscles in your arm, it'll heal but that's why you can't grab anything" it made sense.
I felt so guilty, he put up with so much of my bullshit. I don't deserve him.
Before I could speak, he started.
"You will never put me through that again. Do you hear me?"
So much venom coated his voice, he couldn't even look at me.
The guilt got worse.
I tried so swallow the lump in my throat to try and apologize, but as I opened my mouth the doctor walked in.

He walked in with a clipboard full of papers.
"Hello Ashley, we've got your test results back"
Tests? what tests?
He must have seen the confusion on my face.
"Your fiance told us what happened, he wanted some tests done"
Well, so much for forgetting.
"Well the very good news is you didn't contract anything, no STI's or anything like that"
That was a load off my back.

"The other good news is" a small smile formed on the doctors lips.
"You're pregnant"
WHAT!
Gerard hands fell to the bed, he looked shocked.
My heart rate sped up, I was starting to panic.
What if it wasn't Gerard's?
What if it was Gerard's? I almost killed our baby with myself.
My guilt went into over-drive.

"Can you do a DNA test?" I whispered to the doctor.
The doctor looked concerned.
"I can but this early on there is a danger of killing the fetus"
I shook my head stubbornly
"If it isn't Gerard's I don't want it!"
I used about as much venom in my words that Gerard had.
Gerard shot me a look, I understood it.
It said 'behave, the doctor is trying to help you'
The look didn't touch his eyes, I knew what he would see.
Our family. I wanted a family with him so badly, if it wasn't Gerard's it wouldn't be a family.
If it wasn't his it would just be me, my rape kid and Gerard.

"I'll schedule for the procedure to be done"
The doctor said before walking out.
Tears started falling from my eyes, a sob escaped my lips.
Gerard finally looked at me.
"I'm so sorry Gerard!" I whimpered, I held my arms out to him.
He came over and hugged me.
"It's okay babe, I love you"
I sniffed "I love you, too"