I Need You to Save Me

Help, I have done it again…I have been here many times before, hurt myself again today, and the worst part is there’s no one else to blame.

I glanced out at the moonlight that was coming through my window, and thought idly about how that was really the only thing that I liked about this house, otherwise it was way too big for just one person, which, mainly was me. I jumped at the sound of my messenger,

Kevin Says:
Hey?

Lauren Says:
Hey there.

Kevin Says:
How are you?

Lauren Says:
I’m..okay, thanks. How about you?

Kevin Says:
You sure? I’m good…I guess, sorry about Danielle earlier, I didn’t think she’d react like that.

Lauren Says:
I guess. It’s okay, I’m used to it by now, just tell me next time who we’re going to see, please?

Kevin Says:
Promise.

Lauren Says:
=] What are you up to?

Kevin Says:
Writing a song, well kind of, I guess.

Lauren Says:
Kind of?

Kevin Says:
I’ve only got a bit written, I don’t know where it’s going…

Lauren Says:
Care to share? A problem shared is a problem halved, I should know. I could help you?

Kevin Says:
Would help? Really?

Lauren Says:
Well I could try..

Kevin Says:
Ah…um sorry..I have to go, Danielle’s back from the store..Night, talk to you tomorrow.

Kevin is now offline.

Be my friend, Hold me, wrap me up, unfold me, I am small, and needy, warm me up, and breathe me.

I sighed shaking my head, he didn’t seem so trilled that she was back, and I do have to admit, Danielle scared me, it was like if she was given the chance, she would actually skin me alive, and she’d probably roll me in salt too. But the point is, and the thing that confused me was, I had never done anything to hurt her, and Kevin definitely would never cheat on her, from what I could see he practically worshipped the ground she walked on. I sighed, resting my back against the wall, and I just stared at my hands, my wrists, and sure enough those voices where there again, The ones that encourage me to hurt myself, the ones that pushed me towards what happened today…but now they were screaming at me to just pick the scissors up from the bedside locker, cut, and then act like nothing happened, which was mainly one of my days, who’ ever suspect that shy little Lauren would ever harm herself, not many people anyway, actually none.
I glanced at the scissors, then at my wrist, it would just be so easy, it might not even hurt that much..and it’s not as if I’d never done it before, all you have to do is wear a wristband, then no one suspects a thing.
Pretty much common sense, right?
I saw Danielle’s face in my mind, the utter hate, then my mom sprung to mind, and how she was never there…and then without thinking I picked up the scissors, sure a knife might be easier, or a razor, but this was the nearest, it was harder, but it’s better feeling pain than nothing. I pushed my laptop to the bottom of the bed, and held the scissors in my left hand, biting down hard on my bottom lip, I took a deep breath and slid the blade across my wrist, a few swift movements with it pressed down on my wrist, I dropped the scissors, and held my breath, seeing a few small beads of dark scarlet blood appear from the fresh cuts on my wrist, I stared at it for a few minutes, then I pulled my laptop back onto my lap, my hand was starting to feel a bit numb, but I clicked it to turn off, not that I’d be going to sleep anytime soon, but I needed to lie down, and I needed to think. I placed my laptop on my bedside locker, with the scissors, and then slid down, until the covers were covering most of me apart from my head, My wrist was stinging, but I knew it would pass soon, it always did.

Ouch, I have lost myself again, lost myself and I am no where to be found, Yeah I think that I might break, Lost myself again and now I feel unsafe.

The house was completely silent, and the only light in my room was from the moon, I was staring blankly at the ceiling, I never really fully understood why I did it, or why I hurt myself, but it was something that happened…when I was provoked, or annoyed, or when those voices in the back of my head telling me that my life wasn’t worth living got too loud to ignore.
I knew that if my parent’s found out I’d probably be shipped off to some mental hospital, that’d just be their way of dealing with it, but there’s always the fact that you can pretend you’re listening, but in truth you’re not, at all and everything just passes by you, that’s why getting help probably wouldn’t be a good thing, at all.
I sighed, flexing my hand continuously, trying to get the heat back into it, it was slowly working, which was good, I didn’t need to have one permenantly cold hand there as well as everything that seemed to be so wrong about me, I didn’t have anything to do tomorrow, so I was thinking of just staying in bed all day, just laying there thinking, even though thinking right now would not be the best or smartest idea ever, but maybe that might help, maybe that might help me get to the bottom of this, retrace my steps to the first time I’d ever hurt myself, although, I probably wouldn’t remember, it seemed so long ago.
Then Kevin’s face popped into my mind, he was flawless, perfect almost. His voice, his words, I closed my eyes, well they dropped shut, I had felt drained from almost drowning, but I didn’t think I’d sleep, I was far from sleep, or well so I had thought. But his voice was echoing in my head, but it was everything he had said today all at the same time, so I couldn’t make out words, so I listened to the music that his voice contained, I liked it, it was somewhat soothing, why couldn’t it have been his voice instead of the others? Maybe then I wouldn’t have hurt myself, but then again, how would I know, I was tired, and it’s all that I’ve felt in a long time. If I made it through tonight, I truthfully didn’t know what would happen then, what I would do, or what I would say, it was hard to think right now.

Be my friend, hold me, wrap me up, unfold me, I am small, and needy, warm me up and breathe me.