Build Them Skywards

I walked back across the road and let myself in. I felt a bit subdued, a bit lost. I already missed the feeling of Wills arms around me, his smell already fading from my skin. I sighed shakily as I flicked the kettle on, watching the water bubble.

I made a coffee and sat in the front room, flicking through the channels, trying to distract myself from the thoughts of last night. I just couldn’t believe it. Will May had been in my bed, kissing me, holding me, wanting me. I mean…woah. So many people wanted him; he was the most gorgeous boy in the school.
I couldn’t get over how cute he was when he laughed, how his smile would honestly make me feel fuzzy inside. His eyes were the most beautiful sight in the world, more perfect than the brightest of sunsets. It tore me apart, knowing I wasn’t going to see him again for a week.

I finally found a channel that was showing scrubs and snuggled into the sofa. My Lunch. Made me cry, so hard. The passion Dr Cox always put into saving his patients, it hurt to see him fall apart. Yeah, I’m a scrubs obsessive.

I text Will, just a short message. “Thank you for last night. Good luck with the interview, hearts”

I spent the rest of the day just trying to survive. I felt so empty without him there with me. My head was spinning, trying to clear all the shit in my head. I knew I had to face up to my emotions, but not yet.

It eventually passed midday and I went for a walk. I walked down Histon Lane and sat down on the bridge, thinking back. I thought about how every kiss had made me tingle, how every single touch had given me butterflies. I closed my eyes and I could see him, standing in front of me, his blue eyes shining down on me. I opened up my notebook and started to write. Every thought, every emotion, every feeling that I had for him. It hardly made sense, I didn’t read any of it back to myself, just wrote.

I walked back up the hill, listening to the same cheesy love songs. As soon as I got in, I sat at the computer, trying to find a love quote that explained my feelings. Nothing. A thousand and one words of love, yet nothing to explain my feelings for him. I clicked on my iTunes, hoping to find a song with just the right lyrics. Still nothing. I remembered I’d been writing on my walk, so I snatched up my notebook and read through my words.

“Fuck..” I said to myself. as I read it back. Three small words stood out more than anything else.

i love you

I text Will, finally admitting my feelings.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been lying to myself and you for so long, but now I can be honest. Lying next to you, heart by heart, and I can’t believe how perfect life is. You’re so beautiful, every little thing about you. Will, i think I may be falling in love with you.”

I inhaled deeply as I pressed send. Moment of truth.

A few minutes later, my phone buzzed, indicating a reply. My heart skipped with anticipation. I was almost positive he felt the same.

“I’m sorry, things will never work between us, and we’re far too different. Last night was a mistake, a mistake I will never repeat, please, find someone better suited to you. I’m sorry.”

I didn’t realize I was crying until the tears hit the tiny screen. I wanted to scream. It felt like he’d ripped out my heart, taunting me with it. I could feel my hands shaking with shock and hurt. He’d basically told me he felt the same earlier, he wanted me too. The look in his eyes...you can’t fake that.

I closed down everything on the computer and slowly crept up the stairs. I locked my door and closed the curtains as I found all the stuff I needed. A towel, scarf, and my box of shiny things. I set up all my equipment, and pressed play on the CD player.

Sick with myself, but I've got no one else, so I give it to myself it's the only thing that helps it's the same thing this pain thing that keeps me from sleeping and screaming that god I must be mother fucking dreaming…

The Loss. Perfect.

I opened up the box and located the small green jeweled locket, holding the objects that would stop me from feeling any more pain.

I picked out the stained razor blades one by one, laying them out in a neat row on the bloodied towel. I removed the red band from my wrist, already hiding a million secrets.

I laid my arm down on the towel and picked up my newest blade. I pushed it down hard on my arm, and slashed it across, once, twice…again and again until that particular spot was numb. I watched the blood ooze up from the many smiling cuts and trickle down my arm.

I moved down lower on my wrist and did the same again, opening up old cuts. Suddenly, three or four cuts became one, a great gaping hole in my arm. I watched as the blood poured out in time with my heart beat. I moved my hand and giggled drunkenly as the mouth on my arm appeared to be talking.

I then became crazed, slashing the blade across my arm, occasionally losing the blade inside a deep one. I even shocked myself with the frenzied way I tore up my arm. The chorus of The Loss seeped into my thoughts.

I don’t know why I cut myself, God, give me a sign or help I won’t cry it’ll be fine I’ll take my last breath, push it out my chest til there’s nothing left

I grabbed my phone with bloodied hands and tapped in a message.

‘I’m sorry i ever believed in you, tell them to play machines’ Send? Yes. Contact? Betsy<3 Sent.

I cried a mix of tears and blood, tasting the metallic liquid on my tongue. I coughed and saw the splatters of the red stuff on my hand.

My head felt fuzzy, and I’d lost all feeling in my hands. I tried to stand, but soon fell back on tired knees. I could feel myself drifting, the song fading.

I could see my phone flashing on the floor, indicating a call. Betsy<3. I flipped it open and answered.

“Talk to me Mandy, please?”

“I just gotta sleep. I loved you….” I whispered as everything faded to black. “”sweet dreams”