Ich Verspreche, Dass Ich Sie Nie Verletze

~*~*~* A Few Weeks Later, In Germany
“Raine! Wait!” Tom yelled after me as I stormed out the door.
“Tom, I’m tired of this same old routine. All we do is fight and I can’t take it anymore.” I yelled back as I slammed the door and ran down the street. I kept going until I got to the house that the panic boys had rented before we started the German tour. I knocked on the door and waited for one of them to answer.
“Hello?” Spencer said as he answered the door paying more attention to what Ryan was saying.
“Hi Spence, do you guys mind if I stay here for a little while?” I asked when he finally turned to actually see who I was.
“Yeah, no problem.” He said opening the door to let me in.
“Hey Guys.” I said as I walked into the living room.
“Hey Raine.” Jon said, concentrated on the video game his was playing.
“Hey Jon, hey guys.” I said as I sat down in a vacant spot on the couch.
“Hey Raine, what’s wrong?” Brendon asked as soon as he saw the expression on my face.
“To be honest, a little bit of everything.” I replied.
“You wanna go talk about it?” Ryan asked sitting down on the other side of me.
“There’s not really much to talk about actually. Tom and I just kinda got into a fight and I left and this was the first place I thought to go.” I replied.
“Well you’re always welcome here.” Brendon said.
“I just hope things are better once the tour starts.” I sighed, on the verge of tears.
“Why? What’s been wrong lately?” Brendon asked.
“Well, Tom and I have been pretty much fighting non-stop. It’s just crazy; we can barely go more than two days without fighting.” I sighed.
“Is everything alright?” Ryan asked sounding worried.
“I don’t know. To be honest everything was fine until we landed in Germany. It’s like we’ve both just been subconsciously picking fights with each other.” I sighed.
“That doesn’t sound very good. Anything else?” Brendon asked.
“I don’t know, it’s just hard, I never thought we’d end of breaking up but I think that’s the only option we have.” I sighed as tears started to fall.
“Raine, don’t do something drastic that you’ll regret. Maybe you just have to talk and work through any problems you guys are having.” Brendon suggested.
“I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen a couple like you two. You guys just fit together so well. I think, as unhappy as you might be right now, if you guys end it you’ll both be so miserable. I really think you should talk and work through it.” Ryan said hugging me.
“Yeah, but every time I try and talk to him we end up fighting and yelling and blowing up at each other.” I said as I started to cry.
“Nobody ever said it wouldn’t take work.” Brendon said.
“I know, but before everything felt so effortless. We never really had problems it all just happened.” I said.
“Every relationship has its ups and downs Raine.” Spencer said appearing out of nowhere.
“I know, and we’ve had both, but I never once thought before that we’d break up. Now that’s pretty much all I can think about.” I cried.
“Raine, promise us you’ll wait before you break things off.” Ryan said looking to the other guys.
“I’ll try. I can’t make any promises.” I sighed as the phone rang.
“Hello?” Brendon answered the phone and he immediately turned on the speakerphone.
“Hi, Brendon? It’s Tom. I was just wondering if Raine’s there.” Tom asked sounding panicked.
“Why?” Brendon asked in reply.
“Because I’m really worried about her, I already called Michaela and Bela, Georg and Gustav. They all said she wasn’t there. She ran off about fifteen, maybe twenty minutes ago. Do you know where she is?” He asked still sounding freaked out.
“Yeah, she’s here.” He replied. I had burst out into a new round of tears thinking about how we were most likely going break up and it would break not only my heart but his too.
“Is that her crying in the background?” He asked, still sounding frantic.
Brendon looked to me to see if I wanted him to know. I just kinda shrugged.
“Ummm, no, Spencer tripped on something and fell up the stairs.” He replied.
I looked to Spencer, as he mouthed ‘thanks’ to him sarcastically. I started to laugh.
“Okay well, would you tell her that I’m worried about her and that I love her and I really want her to come back home, please?” He said, it sounded like he started to tear up.
“I’ll make sure she gets the message. Don’t worry about her; she’ll be just fine until she goes home.” Brendon said and then Tom hung up.
“Guys I think I’m gonna go crash for a bit okay?” I said as I stood up.
“Okay, good night Raine.” They all said getting up and hugging me.
I made my way up the stairs and fell asleep on the bed in the guest bedroom almost instantly.
I woke up the next morning and went downstairs. I found a piece of lined paper and a pen and scribbled down a note for the boys, who were all still asleep.
Hey guys,
I’m going to walk around and clear my head for a few hours and then I’ll probably go home. Hopefully I’ll know what’s happening by then. I’ll talk to you later.
Love ya,
Raine
I opened the front door and closed it quietly. I started walking in a direction I had never been before. Even though I knew exactly where I was going. I walked for a little more than an hour before I got to where I was going.
I wandered around the cemetery for about half an hour before I found my mother and sister’s graves. The second I saw them I burst into tears. If either of them were still here with me they’d be able to help me. They were the only people in the world who knew me better than anyone, better than Tom and probably better than I knew myself.
I knelt there crying for over an hour. I didn’t get much thinking about Tom done. It mostly thought about how much I missed them. Eventually the thoughts changed to how things used to be to what things would be like if they were still here.
My mom was probably one of the most wonderful people ever. She was always so nice and accepting of everybody. I knew she would have loved Tom. She always used to say that she could see me with a musician; a guitarist was her dream, ironically enough. She thought I’d end up with some one who was pretty much my polar opposite from me, once again the irony made me miss her more.
Rachel was probably one of the second most wonderful people ever. Normally younger siblings are a pain in the ass and annoying. Not her, she was like me in every way pretty much, she was quiet and never complained much. The most we argued about was who got to use which art supplies or something. She would have like Tom too. Something about the two of them made me think that they would get along really well. Rachel always said that she could picture me with some gorgeous tall boy, with blond-ish hair. I guess she was right too.
All of these thoughts made me wonder if that was proof that I should be with Tom or a reason I should stay away from him. I loved him more than anybody else. I don’t think I’d ever be able to love any one more than I loved him. With the amount of time me and Tom had been spending arguing lately I was doubting that he loved me and whether I actually loved him as much as I thought I did.
I also wanted to make sure that I was with Tom because I cared about him and he cared about me, and not because my mother and sister once said I should be with a guy like him.
Eventually I left the cemetery and started to walk in the direction of home, well the closest thing to home I had. If Tom and I kept fighting I’d have to leave all of this behind. I probably go back to Canada and find a cheap place to live near Matt, if possible.
I finally go back to the house and made my way up the stairs and to my bedroom. Even if Tom and I were living together, with Bill, we all had our own rooms. We had decided that the night we first got here and Tom and I had had our third fight since landing in Germany.
I heard Tom running up the stairs and walking towards my room. I had slid down the wall next to the door. Tom opened the door and saw me sitting on the floor with my head in my knees and my arms hugging them to my chest. He threw the door closed and dropped to his knees. He threw his arms around me and almost started to cry. I basically shrugged him off.
“Tom, please just leave me alone. I don’t really want to fight right now.” I said to my knees.
“Raine, are you okay? Where have you been? Brendon called a few hours ago saying that you had left their house. I had no idea where you were. I was so worried about you.” He said still on the verge of tears.
“Tom, I was no where, it’s not important to you where I was. I’m fine. Please just leave me alone for a while.” I almost pleaded.
“Fine, I’m sorry Raine.” He said as he walked out the door.
I took a deep breath and suddenly I burst into tears. I sat on the floor of my bedroom crying until I fell asleep on the floor. The next morning I was gently shaken awake by Tom kneeling beside me. I slowly stood up and brushed passed him. I went into the bathroom and locked the door. I turned on the water for the shower and got in.
A little while later I came out of the bathroom and made my way back to my bedroom. I got pulled on some shorts and an old t-shirt and pulled back my hair. I went down stairs and grabbed a granola bar and a bottle of water from the refrigerator. I threw on my converse and walked out the door. I started to run. I decided that maybe if I went for a run it might help.
When I was younger and I had problems at home I would run a lot. My obsessive exercise had also contributed to an eating disorder I had. I run a lot and since I was stressed out I wouldn’t eat since I wasn’t hungry. I would keep running and going to the weight room at school almost daily but I still barely ate.
I ran for almost three hours, even for me that was excessive for one run. When I came in the door Tom was waiting for me, with a worried look on his face. He got up to greet me, but I stopped him.
“Tom, I wouldn’t I’m all gross and stuff. I’m going to go have a shower.” I said as I darted up the stairs.
I got into the shower and washed my hair and stuff. Once I got out I threw on some old clothes and pulled back my hair once again. I went back to my room and started watching an old Disney movie. I watched a few before Tom yelled up to me from the bottom on the stairs.
“Raine, dinner’s made, please come and eat.” He almost begged.
“No thanks Tom, I’m not really hungry.” I replied.
“You were running for three hours, you have to eat something, whether you’re hungry or not.” He called back.
“I’m not hungry Tom, I don’t feel like eating.” I said back.
“Raine, please eat something, for my sanity, and Bill’s.” He begged.
“No thank you Tom, I’ll eat later.” I snapped back stubbornly.
“Couldn’t you just eat a little something? Please.” He begged again.
“Tom, I’ll eat later, god damn it, you sound like my mother, would you just leave me alone.” I snapped.
“Fine, whatever, starve to death.” He yelled.
A few minutes later Bill came up to check up on me.
“Raine, are you okay?” He asked edging the door open.
“Yes Bill, I’m perfectly fine.” I replied in annoyance.
“Are you sure?” He asked again.
“Yes, I’m sure.” I sighed.
“Why aren’t you eating?” He asked like a confused little kid.
“Because I’m not hungry.” I replied.
“But you’ve got to be hungry, you ran for three hours, plus yesterday. There’s no way you’re not hungry.” He said confused.
“Well I’m not; I’ll eat when I’m hungry.” I said still annoyed.
“You need to eat, hungry or not you’ve lost a lot of calories and you need to keep up with them. If you don’t you’ll be screwed when the tour starts.” He argued.
“I’m fine Bill, would you just let me be?” I snapped.
“Fine, but if you don’t eat tonight you will tomorrow. I will make you.” He said and slammed the door in annoyance.
Once Bill left I picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number.
“Yo yo yo.” Matt answered.
“Yo yo yiggity yo.” I replied.
“Hey Raine, what’s up?” He asked.
“Not a whole lot, Tom and I have been arguing non-stop since we landed in Germany.” I said almost awkwardly.
“What’s wrong?” He asked concerned.
“I really don’t know, it’s just been so strange, literally since we got off the plane in Germany we’ve been fighting. It kinda seems like we’re both just subconsciously picking fights.” I explained.
“What are you going to do Rai?” He asked.
“I don’t know, I’ve kinda been thinking about ending I to be honest.” I said.
“Raine, every relationship-” He started before I cut him off.
“Has its ups and downs I know. We’ve had our fair share of both, but none this bad, I’ve never thought about ending it.” I replied.
“Have you tried sex?” He asked straight out.
“Mattie! Not only is that highly personally on a few levels, but what good would that do?” I asked slightly in shock.
“Well sometimes it helps the problems.” He replied trying to defend himself.
“And has it ever worked for you?” I asked.
“Well…” He trailed off.
“You’re still a virgin aren’t you?” I asked with a sigh.
“Aren’t you?” He asked in reply.
“Yes. Not that it’s any of your business.” I replied.
“Wow, you’ve been together about a year and you still haven’t done to the do.” He replied.
“You know what neither have you so fuck off.” I replied.
“I’m just saying it might help.” He said trying to defend himself again.
“Or it will ‘a’ start another fight, ‘b’ make things worse or ‘c’ all of the above.” I almost snapped.
“Well, do what you must, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He replied.
“Matt, I know you were going to come a few days before the start of the tour, but do you think you could come sooner?” I asked a few seconds later.
“Like how much sooner?” He asked.
“As soon as possible.” I replied almost as if I were a scared little kid.
“I’ll check flights and see when it’s possible; it’s a good thing I haven’t booked the ticket yet.” He replied with a light laugh.
“Would you really? You can still stay here with me no matter when you come so you don’t need to worry about it.” I replied.
“Okay, I’ll call you when I get the flight booked.” He replied, I could tell he was smiling.
“Ugh, book it fast, I miss you Mattie. I haven’t seen you in like six months.” I said.
“I promise I’ll be there ASAP, and I’ll help you solve this problem.” He said.
“If it’s still a problem by then.” I said kinda trailing off.
“Raine, don’t do anything crazy, I still think sex might help though.” He said, I could tell he was still smiling.
“Mattie, I don’t plan on doing anything that crazy. If things get better it won’t be because of sex. I’ll try not to end it before then though.” I replied.
“Don’t get married either.” He said jokingly.
“Matt, given the situation, that’s the least of my concerns.” I sighed.
“Well, I better go book a flight. I’ll talk to you latter Rainey.” He said.
“Okay, call me when you know when you’re coming.” I said.
“I will. I love you Raine.” He replied.
“I love you too Mattie.” I said in response.
“Bye.” He said.
“Bye Matt.” I said and hung up.
I put the phone back on the charger and flopped down on my bed. A little while later Tom came in quietly and lay down on the bed next to me.
“Tom, what are you doing?” I asked almost as if it was so strange for the guy I’ve lived with and dated for around a year of my life to do.
“I’m lying down next to you.” He replied like it was obvious.
“Tom why does that sound weird to me?” I asked as tears started to build in the corners of my eyes.
“Because for three weeks all we’ve done is argue.” He replied.
“Why have we been fighting? I honestly don’t know.” I said looking to him
~*~*~*Tom’s POV
In the two seconds she looked at me directly I saw a look of hopelessness I had never seen from her. She looked like she was falling into an endless black hole and all she could do was try and reach out for a hand but was already too far away. That look of helplessness made me want to cry.
“Raine, I’ll be right back okay.” I said as a stood up.
“Okay.” She replied as if it didn’t bother her.
I went to my room and grabbed a guitar and went back to her room. Without saying anything I sat on the edge of her bed and looked right into her eyes and started to play a song, I barely knew.
‘Breakdown
I can’t take this
I need somewhere to go
I need you
I’m so restless
I don’t know what to do

We’ve had our rough times
Fighting all night
And now you’re slipping away

So just give me this chance
To make the wrongs right, to say:
Don’t, don’t, don’t walk away

I promise
I won’t let you down, you down
If you take my hand tonight
I promise
We’ll be just fine this time
If you take my hand tonight

Without you I go through the motions
Without you it’s just not quite the same
Without you I don’t want to go out
I just want to say

That I’m sick of these fights
I’ll let you be right
If it stops you from running away

So just give me this chance
To make the wrongs right, to say:
Don’t, don’t, don’t walk away

I promise
I won’t let you down, you down
If you take my hand tonight
I promise
We’ll be just fine this time
If you take my hand tonight

I promise
We’ll be just fine, this time
If you take my hand tonight

Take my hand
Take my hand
I promise
Take my hand
I promise
Take my hand

GO!

I promise
I won’t let you down, you down
If you take my hand tonight
I promise
We’ll be just fine this time
If you take my hand tonight

I promise
We’ll be just fine, this time
If you take my hand tonight

Take my hand tonight
I won’t let you down if you
Take my hand tonight.’
I put the guitar down and leaned it up against her dresser. I looked back at her and she still had that look of helplessness. It felt like it was going to tear my heart out. I didn’t know what to do next. I was fighting between kissing her and just leaving the room. I slowly stood up and grabbed the neck of the guitar and reached for the door handle.
“Tom wait.” She said slowly and quietly.
“What.” I said turning on my heel almost caught off guard.
“I said wait, I really don’t want you to leave.” She said still quietly.
I looked into her eyes and she looked back. In seconds she was standing on her bed and throwing her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. I hugged her as best I could, supporting her weight.
“Tom, I love you.” She said looking straight into my eyes; the hopelessness had started to fade.
“Raine, I love you too. If it’s not too much to say, I want to marry you. Not right now of course, we’re still young and all that, but I know already that you’re the only one I could even imagine spending the rest of my life with.” I replied as we kissed for the first time in almost three weeks.
“Tom, I want to marry you too, I never thought I would ever get married, or find someone I cared about or loved as much as you but I have, and when the time comes I wouldn’t want to marry anybody but you.” She said, it looked almost as if she was about to cry.
“Sounds like the best plan we’ll ever have.” I smiled and kissed her again.
We kept kissing and within a minute or so we had lost our balance and fell over onto her bed. We burst out laughing for no real reason and kept kissing, and laughing. It was so strange, one minute all we could do was fight and the next it felt as if the past three weeks had never happened. As much as I love her she was beyond confusing at times, not that I helped stop the fighting though.
“Tom, I’m sorry.” She said quietly, the hopelessness had seemed to have returned.
“Raine, you shouldn’t be sorry. It’s not your fault; I was half the problem too. I’m sorry.” I replied feeling slightly helpless myself.
“I kinda thought when we came to Germany things might be tougher for us, but I didn’t expect this to happen. I thought it would just be hard for me because of all the reminders of my old life but that’s barely affected me.” She explained the same look still in her eyes.
“Except for the fact you’ve barely eaten in three weeks, it scares me how pale you are right now. But no matter what happens I’ll still love you, and I’ll always be here for you.” I said subconsciously taking her hand in mine.
‘Tom, I know I don’t take the best care of myself a lot of the time, especially when I’m stressed out, but I know when too far is too far and I know when I need to take care of myself.” She said.
“I know you know when too far is too far and I know that you know when you need to take care of yourself but you don’t. I’m not trying to start another argument, but it looks like you’ve lost almost ten pounds since the time we got here.” I said, I could tell the concern on my face almost frightened her.
“I have, but I’ll start eating more and gain most of it back by the time the tour starts.” She said trying to defend herself, that time the helpless look frightened me.
“Raine, I don’t care how much you weigh, but I care if you’re healthy. Before every tour we go to doctors and make sure we’re healthy, and they tell us what we have to do go either get healthy or stay that way. Every tour they say we don’t get enough energy from what we eat. You can’t just chug a Redbull or two before a show and say you’re getting enough energy. You actually have to eat real food like fruit and stuff.” I said trying to figure out how to get that look out of her eyes.
“Tom I know all of this, and I normally do fine on tours considering this is the third time we’re doing this. I know what they’ll tell me and I won’t listen anymore than I did before. I’ll be sure to eat at least one full meal daily whenever possible and to keep eating throughout the day. I know the drill, I know what will happen and I know I’ll be fine.” She sighed clearly getting annoyed.
I pulled a picture out of my pocket and looked at it for a second before looking at her for a few seconds.
“How much weight did you lose over the course of the last tour?” I asked almost shocked as I realized the difference.
“I don’t know, maybe fifteen pounds? What does that matter? It’s not like I’m so grossly underweight that I’ll drop dead.” She replied getting defensive.
“Raine, you’re like five foot seven, you really should weigh almost twenty pounds more than you do.” I said looking at her.
“Why do you care how much I weigh? Isn’t the ideal appearance for most girls these days stick thin?” She asked, still defensive.
“I care because, for the hundredth time, I love you. I don’t care how you look, I mean you’re gorgeous don’t get me wrong, but I only care that you’re healthy.” I insisted.
“I’m perfectly fine with the weight I’m at now. If I need to eat more I will, right now I don’t so I’m not worrying about it.” She said, her voice escalating.
“Raine, calm down, you don’t need to yell, I never said you weren’t healthy, but you could gain a few pounds and definitely wouldn’t be over weight.” I said in a slightly hushed voice hoping it would keep her calm enough to avoid another fight.
“I wasn’t yelling. I know if I gained some weight I’d probably be better off. But I won’t because I have a problem with it. I’ve always had problems with my appearance and it won’t change. It’s only been since I met you that I’ve actually been able to gain weight, but I haven’t because I’m burning more calories than I’m taking in everyday.” She explained.
“I’ll do everything I can to help. Even if it means getting healthier myself.” I said with a light laugh at the thought.
“Tom, it’s my problem I’ll fix it.” She sighed, some of the light had returned to her eyes.
“And you’re my girlfriend so I’m going to help you fix it.” I said looking into her eyes.
“I don’t think I need help, I just need to actually try and fix it.” She said with a smile as I pulled her into a hug.
“Then I’ll be the one forcing you to try, even when you don’t want to.” I said with a smile as I kissed her forehead.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” She said with an almost hopeful smile.