I Could Use Somebody in this Windy City

When I got back into the diner, I watched Jon angrily shut his phone off and throw it onto the table. As I sat down across from him, I pushed all questions about Heidi to the side and kept my eyes attached to the smooth orange table top. With a heavy sigh, I ran my right hand over the top of the table and conjured up enough courage to look over at the boy. His brown eyes were focused on my hand.

I wanted to speak, but the silence was so nice. Being able to just sit there with him and not have to start some bullshit conversation made everything fine. It made me want to be with Jon. As I have stated before, probably more than once, I usually liked him more when he kept his trap shut.

My hand on the table, Jon slowly slid his hand onto the table and grabbed mine. The brown orbs in his skull didn’t look up to mine. They just focused on our hands, now resting in the center of the table, fingers laced together, like we were one of those couples that have been going out for years, and are still madly in love with each other.

Even with our hands like that, we stayed speechless. The smell of the food from the kitchen was the only thing that seemed to show signs of life in the diner. The waitress kept to herself behind the counter doing a word search. Jon and I were just sitting there, not speaking a word, and the streets outside stayed vacant.

A bell rang through the diner. It was like a resume button, everyone started moving again. Jon and I pulled our hands away and se them down on the table. The waitress slowly put her pen into her book, shut the book, and rested it on the counter, then the kitchen door flew open and the chef handed her the two plates.

She walked over with a smile and with a small yawn handed us our plates and gave us a huge smile. As she waddled back to the counter, Jon started picking at his food, taking the onions and tomatoes off of his burger, then put some ketchup on it and started eating. I on the other hand, looked at the mound of pancakes on my plate and sighed heavily.

They looked amazingly tasty. The aroma they gave off practically hand my mouth watering. Yet, I couldn’t force myself to start eating. My eyes were caught up on the boy sitting across from me, every never on my hand was still tingling, and my mind was racing through thoughts about my dad.

I wasn’t entirely sure where my dad came into any of this. I havw to admit it was a pretty random thought on my part. There was really nothing here that reminded me of my dad in the slightest way, but sometimes that’s how I would start thinking about him.

My thoughts weren’t about why he left, even though I was sure those thoughts were on their way. Sometimes, at the right times, when there was nothing going on, I would find myself wondering where he was. If he was dead or alive. If he was married again, changed his name, had more children, left them, pr was successful, or just a hobo living in the big city. it’s been long enough, you think he would show up.

That led me to believe that he left Chicago, maybe even the whole state of Illinois. It didn’t matter anymore. If I ever saw my father, I would either not b able to recognize him, or I would just start crying and go off on him, telling him how bad he’s fucked up my once perfect family.

“You’re pancakes are going to get cold”, Jon whispered. I snapped out of my thoughts to see him not even looking at me. His one hand was holding half of a cheeseburger, and his other hand was picking at a few French fries on his plate. Finally, after what felt hours, his eyes wandered up to mine and he pointed atmy untouched pate. “Eat”, he ordered and dropped his burger to his plate and pushed the plate to the center of the table with a disgusted look on his face.

Instead of asking him why he wasn’t eating, I decided that maybe keeping some comments to myself in order not to piss him off was a good idea. He was mad at someone who was on the phone, and from what I gathered living with Jon, when he was mad, he would take it out on just about anyone, me included.

The first pancake on my stack was finished by the time the waiter came by and picked up Jon’s plate. Without saying a word to me, he asked for a check and asked for her to wrap my dish. A little angry, I dropped my fork and pushed the plate over to the waiter. I opened my mouth, ready to say something as the waitress disappeared into the kitchen, but I bit my tongue and shook my head, connecting my eyes with the horrid orange color on the table.

“Thank you dear”, I glanced up a few minutes later to see Jon hand her the money and grab the brown paper bag. He was already standing and next to the seat I was sitting in by the time I pulled my tired body out of the booth seats. Once he saw me next to him, he walked out of the diner and into the parking lot. We got to the car and he set the food down in the backseat, then got into the drivers seat and started the car, not even waiting for me to get in.

As I got in and he started backing out, I shook my head and turned to him. “What’s the hell-”, I stopped and shut my eyes. He was mad. Being a bitch to him when he was mad, was just going to make things worse. I told myself and took a deep breath. “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head, waving a hand at me, and continued making his way out of the parking lot. When we hit the main road, he sunk down in his chair and took his bottom lip between his teeth. When I clicked the radio on, he quickly clicked it off, then blinked hard, and shook his head, biting down on his lip harder.

When we were a few blocks away from my apartment building, I slammed my hand down on the console in between Jon and I. “Stop the car”, he turned to me in shock and went to say something, but stopped and kept driving. “Jon, stop the fucking car. We need to talk now”, I screamed and watched as he rolled his eyes and pulled over into a parking lot of an old abandoned building.

One streetlight lit up the parking lot. The white lines that used to designate where to park your car were old and faded, and the old building looked like if you even looked at it, it would tumble to the ground. As the car went into park, Jon turned to me and threw his hands up, “What?”

“Out”, I demanded. I roughly unbuckled my seatbelt and opened the car door. Simultaneously, we slammed our doors shut and walked around to the back of the car. There, we were in the center of the parking lot. The small light from the streetlight on the opposite side of the sheet of asphalt was enough light for us.

Jon walked around in a little circle, then rubbed his cheek and looked up at me. “What?”

I shut my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. “What’s wrong? Why are you acting like this? We were fine before”, I stated. His eyes connected with mine and he pointed to me.

“Heidi. Did you know about her?’, he asked angrily. From the extremely confused look on my face, Jon turned away from me, ran his hands through his short brown hair, then turned back around to me and took a step closer to me. Hands on my shoulders, he looked into my eyes. “Heidi being pregnant, did you fucking know?”

“Well”, I let out an angry laugh. This had to be the very last subject I wanted to be fighting with him about. If he was mad at me for something he had to be out of his mind. He’s the one that knocked the slut up. “You should know since you’re the lucky one that knocked her up”, I roared and pushed Jon’s hands off of mine roughly. With that, my mind lips just started pouring out words, and my brain lost all control of my limbs. “Oh, Jayden, Jayden, I love you Jayden. I think I love you. Fuck you, Jon! I actually did love you”, I found myself by the street light. Jon was slowly following me.

“I don’t know why!”, I snapped. “Oh look, here’s my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me, got pregnant, then came back to me. Oh, and don’t think I did what any real man would do, no, I took her back, then got so wrapped around her finger that I let her use me, then leave me to go back to the man that got her pregnant”, I turned to him, his eyes slightly glassy. “You honestly thought some waste of space like that would change?”, I screamed into his face. “You thought someone that could be that heartless could ever, ever, ever, change?”, I asked laughing a little at the end. Sure, I knew Jon wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box, but I didn’t think he was that easily whipped.

“Oh, I forgot I was with the girl with the perfect relationships. Jayden, the one person on the Earth that managed to pick up every grade A asshole I the city of Chicago and go out with them”, He snapped. I felt tears of my own start to push at the back of my eyes. “Let’s go out with the biggest scumbags, then when I’m either in the hospital with a broken bone from them, or I find out that they cheated on me or were getting engaged, then I’ll break up with them because I’m too afraid to be alone!”

“Really? Really!”, I screamed and pushed Jon as hard as I could. He stumbled back a few steps, then regained his balance and crossed his arms across his chest. “You’re wrong, Jon. I went out with them because I thought I loved them. I didn’t know they were like that. Sort of like you. I didn’t know you were so pathetic!”

“Me pathetic? What about you? Tries to kill herself on anti-depressant pills because a guy that wasn’t even dating her left her”

“Wrong again!”, I was now in tears. The little beads of salty water started dripping from the corners of my eyes. “I tried to kill myself because no one remembered my birthday, I had no dad to call me and my mother doesn’t give a fuck about me to even call or send a card like every other person in my family. I had to go back to my empty shitty studio which constantly reminds me I will never have any money or any future, and to top it all off Lori tells me the guy I loved that broke my heart, got his girlfriend that has no right to even breathe pregnant when they haven’t even been going out for a month”., I let out a heavy sigh and walked back over to Jon’s car and sat on the bumper, placing my hands on my face and letting the rest of the tears stowed away in my eyes rush down my face full force.

A huge gust of wind blew through the sheet of asphalt, I parted my fingers and watched as a few gum wrappers and other pieces of plastic rolled across the black rock. Once the wind settled down and my body temperature was back to normal, I took a deep breath and pressed my hands against my face trying to get the sticky wet patches off of my cheeks.

Once my cheeks were somewhat smooth, somewhat back to normal, I took a deep breath and straightened my back. Eyes scanning the parking lot, I found Jon still standing by the streetlight, head hung low. I went to call him, but my voice gave out, and only a small poof of air entered the air. After I thought about it, I didn’t mind my voice gave out. I think I needed a few more minutes to calm myself down before I called Jon back over.

Another cold air blew passed me moving my hair into a messy fashion. Instead of fixing it, I left it there, and looked through the strands of hair in my face across the parking lot at the lifeless street.

The minutes seemed to crawl by, but when I checked the time, I found out that those minutes were actually flying by, and we’ve been sitting in the parking lot for about a half hour. That’s when I decided to call Jon over to the car. The first call, I got no response and throat too sore to try to scream again, I got up and walked across the parking lot, keeping my arms close to me, the cold seeping through my sweatshirt.

“Jon, come on. Let’s go”, I whispered and reached up and grabbed on his sleeve. At first, he ignored me, but when I pulled harder on his sleeve, he turned to me and looked at me, his eyes still glassy. “It’s cold. It’s late”, I rubbed my eyes with my sleeve. When I was tired and in the somewhat caring mood, which strangely enough I was in after a fight, I would keep my hands hidden in my sweatshirt sleeves. Luckily this sweatshirt was perfectly big enough to do that and not have to force it. “Please Jon. You need to get home. You probably have a practice or a game. You have to deal with Kane and Kris, I’m sure that’s a job in itself”, I said trying to lighten the moment, but it didn’t help at all.

Jon just shook his head and kept his eyes on the black asphalt. His arms would move from his chest. It was like he was nailed to the asphalt. After a while of me trying to catch his attention, he shivered and I listened as the low sound of his teeth chattering echoed through the air. With a heavy sigh, I hesitantly walked right up to Jon, put my arms around him, and pulled myself in him until my head was resting comfortable against his strong chest.

A pair of warm arms wrapped back around me, and the rest of the space between us was filled up. “Jayden”, Jon whispered and lowered his head down to my shoulder and shoved his face into it. He shook a little and I wasn’t sure if it was because of the fighting or the cold. Chicago’s been cold before, but for some reason, it just feels like it couldn’t get any colder.

I whispered to him. Telling him that I would walk home and that he should get home because Heidi was probably worried. When I said her name, I noticed he tensed up. I ignored it and let a few more words pour out of my mouth, then he pulled away from me and took a deep breath.

“I know I shouldn’t bring this up”, he took a deep breath, “Did you know Heidi was pregnant?”, I nodded after deciding bringing up my whole little fit before when I told him that was a reason I overdosed was a bad idea. “Who told you?”, Once I told him it was his sister, he took a deep breath then let it out and I noticed his body wobble a little causing my body to gravitate closer to him.

He took a deep breath and told me, right to my face, that I should hate him. He told me that I should never even bother with him again, because I was right, he was a pathetic excuse for a man. Then, he turned away from me and whispered something. I went to tell him I couldn’t hear what he said when he turned to me and took me by the shoulders. “It’s not mine”, it felt like a five ton weight was lifted from my shoulders. “When she came back. The night you ran away, before I went to try to find you, she told me she was pregnant again. At first, I was angry that she would come back, but she pulled the sad story over me again. Telling me she was messed up on drugs when it happened and that she didn’t even know who the dad was. She told me she would never be able to do it alone again, I believed her”, mouth slightly open, I put my hand on his cheek and moved his face so his eyes were aligned with mine. “I just couldn’t believe she came back to me. Now, because of you, I.. I can see that she’s not what I need. My job makes me move a lot, but I need someone I know I can come back to. I need someone I know will be there when I get back”, He whispered and pressed his face into my hand.

With a sigh, I picked up my other hand and placed it on Jon’s other cheek. He shut his eyes and went to look down, when I picked his face back up and lined it with mine.

“I think we should just go back home, Jon”, I placed a small kiss on his forehead and moved back, placing my hands down by my sides. “You have things to do, people to talk to, I have a job to get to tomorrow. I need sleep. I mean..”

Jon shook his head and rubbed his eyes. “I can’t go back home now”, he sighed heavily and walked back over to his car and got in. I followed him, feeling more tired than I ever have before. Once in my seat, I put my seatbelt on, leaned back in the chair and shut my eyes. “I think I’m going to go to Sharps house. I can trust him, I just need to tell him everything.”

A thought wandered into my head. It made me think a little, it made me wonder why I did this tom myself, how I could forgive him so easily, but I ignored it. Biting my tongue at first, I thought I should keep my trap shut. As the car got closer and closer to my apartment, I felt the question get closer and closer to the tip of my tongue. I watched as the parking lot came into view, that’s when my mouth opened. “You can stay here. It’s not nice. It’s not huge, but it had heat and I have extra pillows and sheets”, I rambled off quickly, and kept my eyes on the dashboard in front of me, horrified.

The car was parked and I still had no answer. Right when my hand found the handle, Jon turned to me and took a deep breath. “Really? Are you sure?”

“I have no problem with it”, I whispered and then opened the door and got out of the car. The door slammed shut and I stood there for a few minutes. The engine still on, I shook my head and started walking away. Each footstep my anger again was boiling closer and closer to the top where I would just explode and freak out.

Once it was there, I turned around to say something. My mouth stayed hanging open as my eyes caught glimpse of the brown eyed boy shutting his front door. The lights of the SUV flashed as he tucked the keys into his back pocket and started walking toward me, his eyes on the ground with his cheeks filled with a deep red blush.

He walked up next to me and gave me a small smile, then opened the door for me and let me walk in first. I walked in, then through the lobby and over to the elevator. Jon next to me, leaning against the back wall, I hit the button and shut my eyes, listening as the old door shut and the old elevator hummed as it pulled up the floors.

When the elevator doors opened, my eyes snapped open and I walked out down the hall checking to make sure Jon was behind me. When I reached my room, I opened my door and walked in, flipping the light on and letting out a heavy sigh.

Jon shut the door, then came up next to me and pulled me into him. At first, it was just me under his arm, then he put his other arm around me and pulled me into him. “Thanks Jay”, I nodded and looked up at Jon, his eyes normal, but pain and hurt was laced in with happiness on his face.

“The couch isn’t comfy”, I blurted out, immediately cursing myself. “I’ll stay in the couch, you can get the bed. For this place it’s actually pretty comfy”, Jon took a deep breath and shook his head, then waddled us over to the bed. Jon let go of me and quickly kicked his shoes off then dove into my bed and curled up under the sheets.

With a small chuckle I took my shoes off and got into the bed. Within a mater of seconds Jon pulled me into him, then pulled the sheets up to my chin. Once I had my head resting in his chest, he took a deep breath and placed a small kiss on my forehead.

“I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired, or because of the fighting or almost loosing. I just want to say, that you’re the-”, his cell phone went off and he let out a heavy sigh. He rolled out of the bed and walked over to the door. He pulled his cell phone out of his pants pocket and looked at it. “Mmhhmm”, he mouthed the word Heidi, then took the battery out of his phone and put it down on the small side table by the door.

“Jon, what were you going to say?”, I asked with a small smile.

As he walked back over to the bed he shook his head and crawled back into the bed. Arms around my waist, he placed a small kiss on my cheek, then pulled me in a little closer and rested his chin on the top of my head.

I shut my eyes. In the pit of my stomach, I knew I was madly in love with Jon. It was a fact, I told him I was.

I was in love with Jon.

In the pit of stomach, turning my whole body sick, was the idea that even after all of that. The yelling, the talking, and all of the drama in the passed day, Jon still had feelings for Heidi.

Jon wasn’t over Heidi.

Being in love with someone trying to get over someone is hard, but if I left him now, what would that make me?

Battling between telling Jon to get over it then come back and just staying with him until he got over it kept me up well through the rest of the night and into the morning. Tossing and turning in my bed took place of my dreams. Once eight o’clock rolled around, I managed to make my decision. As I looked down at Jon sleeping peacefully in my bed, I curled up into a ball and started crying.

I loved Jon, but with all of my problems, I don’t think him around me would help him get over Heidi.

I think he needed to do it on his own.