I Could Use Somebody in this Windy City

The last word fell from my lips and faded into the air. There was no reaction from either of us. Eyes on ourselves, silent, we sat on the bed. All of my limbs were held together in a little ball, as Jon stayed sprawled out on the bed, hands under his head, one foot hanging off the bed. He seemed relaxed which annoyed me greatly. Usually if someone told you something like this, you wouldn’t be calm, you’d either feel bad for them, or be mad at the people, but not Jon.

Seconds ticked by, which piled into minutes. When it had been five minutes since I last spoke, Jon sat up and looked at me. “So”, he nodded a little and looked up into my eyes. “That all explains almost everything about you”, I shrugged and started picking at my nails. Without asking, or giving me any sign, he scooted over to me and wrapped me into a hug, my head resting on his shoulder, I shut my eyes.

“I think I need to take a long walk or something, I’m-”

“There is a park a few blocks away from here. I’m up for a walk if you are. Not unless you don’t want any company, then I’ll just give you directions, I mean I don’t have to go, I get enough work out during the…”, he trailed off into silence as we made eye contact. My eyes glued one his, asked him why he kept going on. A blush rose to his cheeks and he looked over at me, a small smile pushing to get onto his lips. “Do you want to go?”, I nodded as my response and he jumped off of the couch and smoothes the forming wrinkle out of his shirt.

I got off of the couch and threw on the sweatshirt that Sharp left for me, after that, I adjusted my sweatpants and walked over to Jon who was already leaning against the front door, staring at the ceiling like it was telling him the most interesting story in the world. Quietly, I walked over to him and leaned on the door next to him, holding back the small fit of laughter in my throat.

He looked down and gave me a small smile, then picked himself off the door and stretched, pulling me under his arm and kissing the top of my head. I let out a small chuckle as he opened the door and we walked out into the brisk Chicago air. My hair flew back over my shoulders, as the wind died down, I shook my hair sending it into my face, covering my eyes.

Jon laughed and I looked over at him, lifting my eyebrows. He noticed through my hair and laughed more. His free hand came to my face and he brushed all of the hair out of my face and looked in my eyes. His were bright and amused as we passed under a street light. The wind blew again, and my hair fell back into the position it was in before Jon fixed it.

His small laugh filled the silent air. Once it faded away, the soft howl of the wind filled my head. Yawning, I leaned my head into Jon and shut my eyes. I listened closely as his heart beat soared. He pulled me into him more and slowed down the pace he was walking. “How far is the park”, Jon’s eyes fixed on the setting in front of him, he let out a deep breath and turned to me.

“Maybe three or four more blocks. They’re short”, I nodded, not caring if the park was fifty blocks away. I actually liked this. I liked Jon liking me, it made it easier for me to like him and not want to punch myself. Now all I had to perfect was being able to force myself to believe that he’s worth a chance. The only problem was that I already thought of him as another douche bag, so trying to convince myself that he wouldn’t hurt me like I’ve been before, was near impossible.

The next few blocks seemed to fly by, and before I knew it we were at the edge of a park. Swings stayed still as the slides and monkey bars sat vacant in the middle of the huge patch of green grass. A wild wind blew, my hair flying every which way. The swings swung, and the few trees swayed. Through all of that, Jon moved closer to me, as if he was trying to keep himself warm.

I looked down at his arms around me and noticed they were bare. He wasn’t wearing a sweatshirt in this extremely cold weather. Once again, my motherly instincts kicked in, and I pulled the sweatshirt over my head and handed it to Jon. Then so he couldn’t give it back to me, bolted over to the monkey bars and climbed on top of them. From my new spot, I watched Jon as he looked from me to the sweatshirt, then slipped it on and chuckled.

Eyes fixed on him, I thought about his actions. Normally, I would be angry if he did this. I was the girl, and I would get cold, so why would he, the guy, keep the sweatshirt. Then I thought about it. I thought about every other guy I ever dated, and what they would do in this situation, because ironically enough, something like this has happened in all of them.

If Adrian was cold and I gave him my sweatshirt, there would probably be a good, very good chance that I would never see it again. Well, I would either never see it again, or the next time I would see it would be on his next girlfriend. He would probably tell her it was his. Adrian was always that kind of guy. I’ve never seen him truly care for another human being in his life. I’ve herd that he came out of it, but I don’t believe it. He was someone that could never change.

If Leo was cold, he would refuse to take the sweatshirt. Only if he was sober of course, he would never take the sweatshirt. If he was drunk, he would have taken it off me before I offered to give it to him. I never understood that about Leo. When he didn’t touch alcohol, he was the sweetest guy. When he barely had a sip of it, he turned into a monster.

I couldn’t even think of what Todd would do if I gave him my sweatshirt to wear in the cold. I wasn’t sure if it was because whenever I think of him, it breaks my heart, or just because the hate I have for him is still burning in the back burner of my mind.

“Jay, are you alright?”, I looked down at Jon looking up at me, the sweatshirt I gave to him draped over his shoulder. “You’re shivering, here, put the sweatshirt back on”, my eyes drifted from Jon to my arms that were shaking, although they were tightly held against my chest. As my mind made the decision to take the sweatshirt, Jon climbed up the monkey bars and sat down next to me.

I went to tell him I didn’t need the sweatshirt, but he had already put it around my shoulders. “Are you sure you’re not cold”, I asked, pulling the sweatshirt over my head.

“I don’t matter. As long as you’re warm”, he whispered and looked over at me curiously. “Jayden, I want to ask you a serious question”, I looked over at him, fixing the hair that was misplaced from pulling the hoodie over my head. “Can we act like this all of the time?”

“Act like what Jon?”, the warmth of the sweatshirt hit my skin, and I finally realized how cold I was getting. He shook his head, dismissing the question. By the way his brown eyes looked up at the sky, avoiding mine, I decided to not even try to ask him anything. I just sat their next to him, eyes fixed on the sky he was staring at.

“Like we are now. Cuddly and what not?”

“We’re acting like that anyway”

“I don’t want to act then”, I looked over at him, and smiled. A cage of butterflies exploded in the pit of my stomach, and a small sick feeling swept over me, and left moments later. After he flashed me a smile, my own smile started fading. Jon liked me, and I was happy about that. The only thing that was bringing me down, was my passed. All of them, those three mistakes I made, and my dad. Abuse, neglect, and betrayal, those were things I didn’t ever want to go through again.

Jon didn’t seem like he would do that to me, but neither did they. Especially Todd and my father. How could one even think of acting like that. How could one person be so heartless. Warm tears trickled down my cheeks. As soon as they fell, they were pushed away by Jon’s thumb. “Jayden, you know I’d never hurt you like they did”, he carefully moved closer to me and put his arm around me, resting my head into his shoulder. “I could never do anything like that to anyone. Jayden, I would never, ever, hurt you”

“That’s what they all say”, I whimpered and shut my eyes tightly, trying to stop the flow of tears. “They all say they love me, then they turn around and…”, I reopened my eyes and looked down, the strip of green grass now dark. “I can’t trust anyone anymore”. Jon shook his head as a response to this. His eyes begged me to believe him, but I couldn’t. My mind was set, and there was no reset button in sight.

“What can I do to show you I would never hurt you”, I shrugged. “The only way I can show you is if you give me a chance! You just need to give me a chance, Jayden”

“It’s not that easy!”, I yelled at him, even though he was right next to me. “I can’t just open up for someone and then have them leave a few days later. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of people not thinking about me, and how I would feel. I just want to meet someone that won’t hurt me”

“You’ll never find anyone if you don’t give them a chance”

We stood silent from then on. The dark Chicago air surrounded us, making shadows look like people. The sounds of the trees moving sounded frightening, and the streetlight gave the playground a eerie feeling to it. Jon and I stood on top of the monkey bars, silent. He held me, caringly. The tears have since stopped flowing from my eyes, and stuck to my cheeks in a slightly sticky trail from my eye to my chin.

Minutes felt like hours, and I was starting to fall madly in love with Chicago. The air was so comforting even with the small wind gusts. “It’s getting darker”, Jon stated quietly, his breath hitting my ear. I shrugged and looked over at him, his eyes staying locked with the star filled sky.

“Can we just lie under the stars for a while?”, I asked crawling over to the edge and climbing down the ladder. When my feet were back on solid ground, I walked over to the nearby hill and walked to the top. I waited until Jon was next to me to lay down in the grass and fold my arms behind my head, stretching out my legs. Jon copied my position and snuggled as close to me as he could get. Once our elbows started hitting each others, he sighed heavily and propped himself up.

“How about you can put your head on my arm so we could cuddle and I can be warm?”, I knew by the tone of his voice he was blushing, but the moonlight set the normal colors off, and I couldn’t tell if he was blushing or not. I could just see that adorable smile. I told him of course and he laid back down, putting his arm around me. I rested my head on his shoulder and smiled. “Comfortable?”, I nodded looking up at the amazing Chicago sky.

Stars sparkled like diamonds in the sky, and the wind had died down to a soft breeze. Jon and I were now both cozy and warm. At the moment, it didn’t matter to us that we were lying on the grass under the sky in the middle of a children’s park in Chicago. For once, we were enjoying the other’s company.

Time ticked by making the weight on my eyelids grow rapidly. The spot I was in on the grass grew more comfortable, as the sleepiness in me started taking over. As I shut my eyes I felt Jon move underneath me. “We should be getting home”, he whispered into my ear. After a small grunt on my part, he kissed my cheek and sat up, bringing me with him. Instead of starting to bug him, I let him get up, then pick me uo bridal style. Head against his shoulder, I smiled and shut my eyes again.

“Can I go to sleep”

“Of course you can, Jayden”, he whispered and kissed my forehead. Head on his shoulder, I used the light pound of Jon’s footsteps as a lullaby as I fell asleep in his arms.

I was woken up when we reached the house. When Jon put me down, my body had an immediate reaction. My eyes snapped open and I looked around desperately trying to find him. After a few seconds of scanning the room, I found him changing into a pair of pajama pants. Instead of watching him awkwardly, I snuggled back into the sheets and shut my eyes.

Once the bed sunk down on one side, I scooted over to the edge where Jon was. He, without saying a word, put his arms around me and kissed me on the lips, making my eyes snap back open. Mouth slightly parted ready to sleep, he shook his head and shut his eyes, putting my head back against his chest.

With s a small smile on my face, and a pair of warm arms snaked around my waist, I fell into a deep sleep that was much needed on my part.

* * *

“How was your night?”, Pat sat down, practically on top of me, and gave me one of those devilish smirks he’s been perfecting since day one of meeting me. I nodded, meaning it wasn’t that bad. My wordless answer was taken the wrong way by Pat and his devilish smirk grew into a devilish smile. He got up, and tore into the kitchen. Right when he got there, he started bugging Jon about being a man last night. For the sake of Pat nagging on Jon about his manhood, I let it slide and calmly sunk into the couch, my thumb flipping through the channels.

The boys stood in the kitchen a little while longer. There were occasional loud cracks of laughter, but other than that, it was on the silent side.

When I hit channel 45 for the second time, my cell phone started buzzing from the table next to me. Without looking at it, like I usually did, I opened it and put it to my ear with a yawn and a muffled hello. “Hey! It’s Lori!”

“Hey!”, I answered much less enthusiastic as she was.

“Is Jon home?”, I nodded although she couldn’t seem me. I peered into the kitchen and saw the two boys whispering over two cups of coffee. Their backs were facing me, so I couldn’t tell what they were saying. It bothered me in a way, but I pushed passed it and went back to Lori on the phone.

“Yeah, why?”

“I have a surprise for him. We’ll be over in a few”, she squealed and hung up. I closed the phone and set it down on the empty couch next to me. Thoughts bustled through my mind, none of them really making sense. Lori had a surprise for Jon, and it had to be a person. Did they have a sister? A Brother? Maybe even their parents?

I stayed on the couch, confused. Jon and Pat walked in a little while later, and sat down next to me. Of course Jon was sitting right next to me, wrapping me in a nice warm hug. The boys continued a small conversation about the upcoming game against Detroit and what they could do after the win. I had the urge to tell Jon that Lori was bringing a surprise over, but every time there was a small stop of silence, I would gather my voice, and just as I was about to say it, someone would speak.

We stood on the couch a little longer, watching the strange shapes on the television. All was at peace, and all was calm and quiet. That was until the door opened and Lori and another girl walked in. When Jon saw the other girl, his face turned into a blank stare and he got up from the couch and ran over to the girl, taking her into a tight hug leaving me on the couch.

“Whose the hot chick?”, Pat was now right next to me, staring at the other girl. I looked at him and imagined a line of drool hanging from his mouth. I stifled a laugh and turned back to the newly arrive people.

“Jayden! This is my old girlfriend, Heidi Walker”, the girl turned to us and put on a huge smile. As she did, my stomach knotted itself, and I felt every ounce of self esteem I had wash away. I felt like the ugliest person on the face of the Earth. Her eyes were a stunning blue. He hair, unlike nost blondes, was real. Her body was the perfect hour glass shape, and she had just the right tan to go with the navy blue dress she was wearing. Her make up looked like it was done by a professional. All in all, she looked like she just walked off of a professional modeling photo shoot.

“Heidi, as in Heidi Klum?” Pat stuck on a twisted smile earning a giggle from the girl that only made Pat’s smile grow wider.

Jon walked over to us and asked me to get up so Heidi could sit down. I got up, without saying a word, and walked over to the place where Lori was standing. Instead of her turning and talking to me, she walked over and joined in with the conversation between Jon and Heidi. Feeling total rejection, I walked into the kitchen, trying to keep the raging anger under control.

“Aw! You and Jayden are getting married! I remember when we used to talk about that…”, with those words, I walked out of the kitchen and into Jon’s room without being seen. Well, I thought I wasn’t seen.

When I got in the room, a quick round of tears came and left as I pulled out my suitcase and quickly piled some of my clothes into it. The anger mixing in with my low self esteem pushed me over the edge. If Jon could have her, why would he want to pretend to be with me. Who would want to be with me instead of a girl who looks like a model, and could damn well be one.

“Where’d she go?”, I herd and then there were the all too familiar pounding footsteps. The door opened and shut, and within a second of that I was pulled away from the suitcase by my arm. Now sitting down on the floor, I turned and looked up at Jon’s face who looked more than worried. “What’s wrong, H.. Jayden”

“I’m leaving”, I snapped and crawled back over to my suitcase and made a feeble attempt to close it before Jon grabbed me and put me on the bed, holding my arms down at my sides. “Don’t even try to say anything to me. Do you see what you have out there, she’s a model. You could have someone that looks like a model. You’re madly in love with her, it’s obvious”, I roared and watched Jon start to shake his head.

He told me he lost all of the feelings for her a while ago, but I could tell he was lying. “Don’t give me that shit”, I snapped and quickly felt the need for a cigarette. “You’re in love with her. Just face it, you should be with her and not me and you know it”, he shook his head. I stood up and walked passed him, listening to his words behind me, falling over one another. I opened the door and walked out into the living room, luckily for me, it was empty, so all I had to do was walk across the empty room over to the door. Unfortunately, this gave Jon a better chance to catch up to me.

“She meant nothing. She means nothing anymore, Jayden. I love you more than her”, I didn’t buy it. That’s wasn’t the first time I ever herd something like that before. I knew lying, and that’s what he was doing. “How can I just make you believe me?”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love her anymore”, I snapped and looked right into his eyes that were looking back at me. We stood there for a few minutes, the sounds from the house fading into the back of my mind. All I did was look at Jon, focus on what he was going to say.

What felt like ten minutes later, Jon looked down. I pushed his shoulder and he stumbled out of the way. The path to the door clear, I walked out and slammed it shut behind me. Now that I was alone on the streets of this windy city, with no one looking for me or coming after me, I felt lost, alone, and useless. Just the way every single one of my other boyfriends made me feel.