This Heart, It Beats, Beats for Only You

“Thanks, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Casey hugged Marisa then Zoey, the last people left from her little campaign meeting.

Zoey and Marisa exchanged a look. “Case,” Marisa said.

“Yeah?” she asked as she started putting things to the side. Her parents were away for the weekend, on some alone time rendezvous in Barbados. That meant that she was home alone. Normally this would mean she was having parties and blasting the music, but tonight, she just felt like curling up in bed and sleeping. She didn’t know why, but she was so exhausted. That was a lie. She did know why. And that was because of Joe Jonas.

“Zoey and I were talking,” Marisa continued timidly.

Casey sighed and stopped working to look at them. “Oh?” she said.

“Yeah,” Zoey said. “And we were just wondering what you had in mind against Sam.”

“Oh,” she said again, smiling now. “Don’t worry, I’ll fill you in completely as soon as some things are set in order.”

“Case,” Marisa sighed. “Is this – what I mean is – Is this something you’re going to regret?”

“What?” she asked, not really looking at them. Casey hadn’t really thought about that, but now that she had, she wasn’t sure how she felt.

“Sam is – was one of us,” Zoey said. “She’s still kind of our best friend, even if she’s doing all this shit. And we all still love her. I mean, we just don’t want you to wake up and tear yourself up over this.”

Her expression turned cold. “I do not love her anymore.”

“Casey, we just meant,” Marisa started apologetically.

Casey stopped her by putting her hand up. “Look I appreciate you guys trying to look out for me. But trust me, I do not have any doubts about this,” she lied. “Sam started this, and I’m going to finish it. She’s not one of us anymore. And she’s going to have to learn that the hard way. You don’t abandon your friends for a boy,” she said quietly.

“We know Casey,” Zoey said. “We’re just worried, that’s all.”

Casey forced herself to smile. “Don’t be. I know what I’m doing.”

They exchanged another look. Casey pretended not to notice. “Okay Case,” Zoey said. “See you tomorrow?”

“Definitely,” she smiled until they left. She sighed and sat down on her couch, hugging her knees to her chest.

What was she doing? She was going to destroy one of her best friends. She was going to crush her, and she was acting like she didn’t even care. What was wrong with her? Of course she cared. Of course this would crush her too. Couldn’t anyone see that? Couldn’t they see through her lies?

There was a knock on her door. She wiped her face quickly before she went and opened it. She froze as she saw Joe standing there. Her sorrow deepened as she looked at him. She didn’t have it in her to fight him anymore. “What?” she asked.

“I—I wanted to apologize,” he said, shuffling his feet as he looked at the ground rather than her. “I shouldn’t have said those things, and I shouldn’t have judged you and I promise I won’t again.”

She was taken back. He was apologizing? What was with this guy? Why was he so back and forth? That didn’t matter of course right now. Because Casey wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him, and have him hold her close. She hated that he made her feel like this. “Me too,” she said timidly. “Do you um – want to come in?”

“Actually,” he grinned. “I was hoping you would come out.”

“Where?” she asked, grabbing her keys from the table next to the door. It wouldn’t matter where. She would go anywhere with him.

He held out his hand for her. “This place I found,” he grinned.

She just nodded, closing the door behind her as she took his hand and he led her down the sidewalk. They walked out of the development and down the street towards the acres of woodland that surrounded them. She wondered where he was taking her. They seemed to walk through the woods forever. It was dark but he seemed to know where he was going. Casey wondered how often he came out here. “So,” he said conversationally as they walked. “How’s the De-Saming coming?”

She took a deep breath. “I don’t know if you’d want to hear it.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment. “Casey, I don’t agree with what you’re doing, but I promised, no more judging.”

“I’m going to make her regret leaving us for a guy,” she said quietly. “That’s the number one rule of friendship. You don’t abandon your best friends because of your latest crush.”

He was quiet. “How are you going to do that?”

“I’m going to make her see what a sleaze he is,” she said conspiratorially.

“He really seems to hate you,” Joe observed.

“Who Alex?” she asked. Joe nodded. This made her laugh. “Yeah I know.”

“You know why, don’t you?” he asked, turning to look at her as they continued to walk.

She nodded. “He hit on me first you know. He tried to get with me. But I said no because I was with Graham. I hadn’t told the girls. And then he started flirting with Sam. She seemed happy, so I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to ruin it for her, you know? Now I kind of wish I had though,” she added quietly.

“So he hates you because you rejected him?” he asked.

‘Something like that,” she said.

He didn’t say anything as they continued walking. He stopped suddenly. “We’re here,” he said as they came to a small cliff. To the side, Casey saw the lake near their house and a small dock. Casey hadn’t seen this place before. She had lived here her whole life and never had she known this was here. She wondered how Joe had found it.

“What is this place?” she asked as they walked through it.

“I was on the other side of the lake and I saw this and explored through the woods,” he shrugged. He grabbed her hand again. “Come on,” he said as he led her down the side of the cliff to the dock. They walked to the edge and Joe sat down, taking off his shoes. He let his feet dangle in the water. Casey sighed and followed his lead.

Joe let out a sigh and leaned back on his hands, looking up at the night sky. “Do you ever think about the sky?” he asked. “Like what’s out there?”

She looked up too, and shrugged. “My grandmother told me that the sky was heaven and the stars were just small holes that it leaked through so we would know it was there.”

He looked at her. “Do you believe that?”

She sighed. She had for a long time. When she was little, she would sit on her back steps and just stare at the sky, and wonder who was up there, looking down on her. She wondered when that had changed. “I used to,” she answered quietly.

“But you don’t anymore,” he said. It wasn’t a question.

“No,” she said. “I guess I grew up.”

He looked over at her. “It sucks how that happens sometimes, doesn’t it?”

She nodded, but didn’t reply. She sighed, and shook her head. This was too much. Why was he doing this to her? He was playing with her head. He was so kind and amazing sometimes, and then he’s snap and be an asshole. She couldn’t take it anymore. She looked at him. “Joe, I can’t do this.”

“Do what?” he asked quietly.

“I can’t keep going back and forth,” she said. “I can’t keep thinking you’re into me and then have myself reprimanded when you say something.”

He didn’t say anything, just staring out at the lake.

“Joe,” she said pleadingly. He looked at her, his eyes pained. “Do you – do you like me?”

“I’m here with you aren’t I?” he asked, evading the question. She noticed that he wasn’t looking at her when he said that.

“Yeah, but I mean – do you, you know, really like me?” she asked again. She wanted to die. She couldn’t believe she was doing this. Casey Cartwright did not pine for a guy. She did not put herself out there, her heart on her sleeve. But that was exactly what she was doing. “Because I – I like you.”

He leaned over, his lips meeting hers softly, gently, lovingly. Casey knew he must feel it too. She knew he had to feel the same way. And it was all said in the kiss as he pulled her closer gently, holding him to her as he deepened the kiss. She felt his tongue tracing her bottom lip. She opened her mouth slightly to let him in. But then he pulled away, his eyes pained. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Why not?” she asked quietly.

“Casey,” he sighed. Regret flooded his voice.

She felt her heart break in two. Her lips were still tingling from their kiss, her skin still had a shiver running through it from where he had touched her. But he regretted it. “What?” she asked.

“I’m sorry,” he said, pulling away. He got up and took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair.

She didn’t say anything. She wanted to drown herself.

“We should head back,’ he said quietly.

She nodded, and got up too. They put their shoes on and walked towards the woods again. They were quiet as they walked through the woods, back towards the development. “Casey,” he said quietly.

“Don’t try to feel sorry for me,” she said coldly. If there was one thing she hated, it was pity. She would not let anyone, not even Joe, feel sympathy for her.

“Casey, please,” he said gently. “You have to understand.”

“Understand what?”

‘I do like you,” he said. She didn’t let herself respond. They were words, empty words to try to make her feel better. But she didn’t want them. “Casey, I really do. I never thought I would feel like this, so whole. You make me feel so alive. But I – I can’t. As much as I want to, I can’t.”

“Why not?” she asked. “What’s so wrong with me that you can’t even be with me if you supposedly like me so much?”

He sighed, but didn’t say anything for a moment. “You don’t understand Casey. There’s nothing wrong with you. Absolutely nothing. You’re incredible. You’re so smart and beautiful and strong. It’s me. I’m not good enough for you.”

“Wow,” she let out a bitter chuckle now. “The it’s not you it’s me speech. I never thought I’d hear that one before.”

“I know it sounds like a line,” he said quietly. “But it’s true. As much as I want to, I can’t be with you.”

They had reached their houses now. She let out a deep breath, not letting herself be hurt by this. She turned to look at him, a fake smile on her lips. “Well that was fun,” she said.

“Casey,” he reached out for her, but she moved back. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m fine,” she said, feeling tears come to her eyes. She pushed them back. She would not let him see her cry. “Look I got to go okay? See you later?”

He watched her tentatively before nodding. “Okay,” he said.

She smiled again before walking to her house. It wasn’t until her door was closed that she let the tears come out.