I Don't Want To Want Him
Out of the Picture
When the police had finished filing their report and had confirmed that both our vehicles, only sustaining minor damages, were fine to drive, Billie Joe and I were left to stare at each other with a feeling of awkwardness.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you around, Billie Joe,” I said, stepping backwards towards my car door, wanting to leave the scene.
“Wait. I’m sorry about bringing up that personal shit, the stuff about love and kids and all that. I didn’t mean to offend you or anything..” he was trying to apologize, though like me I don’t think he had a clue why he was sorry. My cheeks were still flushed, not with emotion this time but with embarrassment, and I forced a smile, why the hell his simple words had made me react in such a way that I almost cried I couldn’t say. I was feeling pretty stupid about it though now.
“Look, I’ve just had a couple of rough years in the past,” I told him, it wasn’t a lie but I’m not positive it was the real truth either, it did sound like a pretty good excuse though, “I’m not the best person to be talking about love to.”
“Me neither,” he said, and I could tell he had probably never had a promising relationship in his life, rock stars never do.
“See ya,” I said as I opened my car door and stepped in, just before my door closed behind me I heard his soft goodbye in reply. I looked at him in my rearview mirror, he stared dazedly at my car for a few seconds before coming to his senses and getting into his shiny, black BMW convertible. Thank god I wasn’t the one to hit his car.
“Mom, Taco Haven!” Dina called from the back. My eyes snapped away from my rearview mirror, I can’t believe I was still watching this guy, and looked back to see my daughter watching me expectantly. I smiled and nodded to her before turning around. I belted up and looked back to see if there was any oncoming traffic, there wasn’t and so I pulled out and made a beeline for Taco Haven.
*
“Heard about your little fender bender with your new client, my Viv, you really know how to make an impression.”
These were the first words I heard first thing on Monday morning as I walked through the door into Dee’s and my office. He was grinning like a madman, I could tell he was thinking now of how Billie Joe Armstrong would take this out on me and change his mind when it came to me as lead designer. Dee was strategic and merciless like that, he could be your best friend and your worst enemy at the same time.
I rolled my eyes and walked casually to my desk, “Shut up, Dee. Anyway, it wasn’t my fault, he hit me.”
“Maybe so, but it doesn’t make you look great, honey,” he chuckled. I shrugged off his words and turned on my computer and unlocked my desk, I sighed with the thought of all the work I needed to do today. I had worked on my sketches for the band’s new look over the weekend and had even done a little research on the internet about them, to tell you the truth I’d never known they’d been around so long. Since the late ‘80s they had been playing but never really made it until ‘94 when they released Dookie, their first album on a major label. I also knew that before they were called Green Day they were called Sweet Children. Okay, yes, I’m bragging to myself right now that I know such facts, even though I’m probably the last to know these things.
“Vivien!”
Shit, Max. I bet he’s heard all about the accident, and I bet he’s pissed. Fender benders are not good for business.
“Coming, Max!” I called back, trying to sound like nothing in the world was weighing on my mind. Dee snickered to himself as I made my way to my boss’s private office.
I opened Max’s door and closed it behind me, I stood there waiting to see how bad this was gonna be. He looked away from his laptop and at me, I could already see his eyes filling with venom. Max was mad. He motioned me forward with his finger and then pointed to the seat before his desk, I slowly came closer to him and sat. I was in for it, man.
“Vivien,” he started, and I could telling he was trying to control himself to not scream, “Did something happen Friday afternoon after you left the office?” he asked, as though he was clueless.
I let out a heavy breath, maybe I could just play it cool? “I took my daughter to Taco Haven?” I told him, questioning if he was curious about that, though why the fuck would he be?
“Oh that’s nice, but I’m thinking of something else, maybe something to do with, oh I don’t know, your new fucking client?!” Max’s sentence ended with shouting. I recoiled slightly in my chair, to be honest I’d never seen him like this before.
“Oh, yeah, we kinda got in a fender bender,” I explained, “But he hit me, I didn’t–”
“I don’t give a fuck who hit who! Vivien, of all people, for fuck’s sake! At least you could’ve gotten in an accident with the drummer or the manager, but the lead singer?!”
“Max, I would’ve rather not have gotten in one at all.”
“It’s everywhere, on Youtube, on fan sites, all over the fucking internet!” Max screamed, his eyes staring viciously at the computer screen.
His words stunned me, “What?” I asked dumbfounded.
He turned his laptop around, I leaned into to see just a snippet of our cars bumping together. When Billie Joe and I both stepped out of our cars that’s when the camera zoomed in to get a better look. It went on from there. When I looked away and to Max I knew he wanted an explanation on how this had gotten out. I sighed, “I don’t know,” I shook my head, “It was in front of the school, maybe some kids caught it on camera.”
“It doesn’t matter, it’s how we’re going to clean this up,” he said, turning his laptop back around and looking at me dead in the face.
At his words and by the way he was looking at me, Max had never looked at me like that before, I knew something was going to happen. All I could think was that I was going to be fired, “What do you mean?” I ask, my voice trembling slightly.
“Vivien, you are a great designer, and I know that the band wants to go with your idea. But, because of these new circumstances, I’m going to intervene and turn the role of lead designer over to Dee. I think that is the best thing to do.”
I sat there stunned, my jaw dropped wide open, my mind blank with confusion. When I finally came out of it, which took all of three seconds, I had to go on the offense, “Max, it’s my design! How is Dee going to take over my design?!” I said, my voice suddenly sounding breathless, I really couldn’t believe this was happening.
Max held up his hands to me as if to block me out, “Now Vivien, I don’t want to hear it. You’re lucky you’re still working here. Now Dee is going to take over the design, I already let him know. You’re still going to be involved, just not in charge. Don’t get so worked up about it, okay?”
“Yeah, okay,” I said numbly, though I was seething. Dee had known from the second that I walked in that I was no longer lead designer, that no-good son-of-a-bitch.
“Good, now go on back to the office and explain your design to Dee. You two have three hours to work things out and get ready before the band members get here to help collaborate on the designs and also to get measured up.”
At his words I knew I was dismissed, end of discussion. I stood from the chair and left his office, closing his door to leave him in his privacy once again. When I entered the shared office Dee was trying to play dumb, like he had no idea that I was no longer lead designer. I was so pissed I wanted to take my pen and stab him but I knew that wouldn’t be the professional thing to do. Plus, if I did do that then I would be fired.
Dee looked away from his computer and up at me, my eyes watched him with disgust as I made my way back to my desk and sat down, “How’d it go?” he asked, and I almost lunged at him for I knew he already knew how it fucking went.
I shrugged, “It went just fine,” I told him, my voice icy. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me actually get upset, I mean what did he want me to do, cry?
“Look, Viv, I’m sorry,” he said, but he wasn’t sorry. Why would he be, this was what he wanted all along.
“You’re lead designer, okay? Just fucking shut up about everything and lets get to work,” I said sharply. I hated to do it, but it had to be done, I had to give in to the damn situation.
“Yeah, right. Do you have any more sketches?” he asked. I nodded as I opened my briefcase to pull out the detailed designs I had slaved over. Dee rolled his chair over to my desk so we could begin to brainstorm and plan out more details, “These are awesome, Viv,” he said, holding the papers in his hands, “Explain your concept to me, I want to know all your ideas,” he said.
I felt so cold and shattered within, I just wanted to tell him to figure it out himself though I knew I couldn’t do that. These were my designs, my hard work. Would it be me to get the big paycheck though, no. Would it be my name that everyone would know from this after it was done, no. Dee would get practically all the money and all the fame. I was right from the very beginning, I was out of the picture.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you around, Billie Joe,” I said, stepping backwards towards my car door, wanting to leave the scene.
“Wait. I’m sorry about bringing up that personal shit, the stuff about love and kids and all that. I didn’t mean to offend you or anything..” he was trying to apologize, though like me I don’t think he had a clue why he was sorry. My cheeks were still flushed, not with emotion this time but with embarrassment, and I forced a smile, why the hell his simple words had made me react in such a way that I almost cried I couldn’t say. I was feeling pretty stupid about it though now.
“Look, I’ve just had a couple of rough years in the past,” I told him, it wasn’t a lie but I’m not positive it was the real truth either, it did sound like a pretty good excuse though, “I’m not the best person to be talking about love to.”
“Me neither,” he said, and I could tell he had probably never had a promising relationship in his life, rock stars never do.
“See ya,” I said as I opened my car door and stepped in, just before my door closed behind me I heard his soft goodbye in reply. I looked at him in my rearview mirror, he stared dazedly at my car for a few seconds before coming to his senses and getting into his shiny, black BMW convertible. Thank god I wasn’t the one to hit his car.
“Mom, Taco Haven!” Dina called from the back. My eyes snapped away from my rearview mirror, I can’t believe I was still watching this guy, and looked back to see my daughter watching me expectantly. I smiled and nodded to her before turning around. I belted up and looked back to see if there was any oncoming traffic, there wasn’t and so I pulled out and made a beeline for Taco Haven.
*
“Heard about your little fender bender with your new client, my Viv, you really know how to make an impression.”
These were the first words I heard first thing on Monday morning as I walked through the door into Dee’s and my office. He was grinning like a madman, I could tell he was thinking now of how Billie Joe Armstrong would take this out on me and change his mind when it came to me as lead designer. Dee was strategic and merciless like that, he could be your best friend and your worst enemy at the same time.
I rolled my eyes and walked casually to my desk, “Shut up, Dee. Anyway, it wasn’t my fault, he hit me.”
“Maybe so, but it doesn’t make you look great, honey,” he chuckled. I shrugged off his words and turned on my computer and unlocked my desk, I sighed with the thought of all the work I needed to do today. I had worked on my sketches for the band’s new look over the weekend and had even done a little research on the internet about them, to tell you the truth I’d never known they’d been around so long. Since the late ‘80s they had been playing but never really made it until ‘94 when they released Dookie, their first album on a major label. I also knew that before they were called Green Day they were called Sweet Children. Okay, yes, I’m bragging to myself right now that I know such facts, even though I’m probably the last to know these things.
“Vivien!”
Shit, Max. I bet he’s heard all about the accident, and I bet he’s pissed. Fender benders are not good for business.
“Coming, Max!” I called back, trying to sound like nothing in the world was weighing on my mind. Dee snickered to himself as I made my way to my boss’s private office.
I opened Max’s door and closed it behind me, I stood there waiting to see how bad this was gonna be. He looked away from his laptop and at me, I could already see his eyes filling with venom. Max was mad. He motioned me forward with his finger and then pointed to the seat before his desk, I slowly came closer to him and sat. I was in for it, man.
“Vivien,” he started, and I could telling he was trying to control himself to not scream, “Did something happen Friday afternoon after you left the office?” he asked, as though he was clueless.
I let out a heavy breath, maybe I could just play it cool? “I took my daughter to Taco Haven?” I told him, questioning if he was curious about that, though why the fuck would he be?
“Oh that’s nice, but I’m thinking of something else, maybe something to do with, oh I don’t know, your new fucking client?!” Max’s sentence ended with shouting. I recoiled slightly in my chair, to be honest I’d never seen him like this before.
“Oh, yeah, we kinda got in a fender bender,” I explained, “But he hit me, I didn’t–”
“I don’t give a fuck who hit who! Vivien, of all people, for fuck’s sake! At least you could’ve gotten in an accident with the drummer or the manager, but the lead singer?!”
“Max, I would’ve rather not have gotten in one at all.”
“It’s everywhere, on Youtube, on fan sites, all over the fucking internet!” Max screamed, his eyes staring viciously at the computer screen.
His words stunned me, “What?” I asked dumbfounded.
He turned his laptop around, I leaned into to see just a snippet of our cars bumping together. When Billie Joe and I both stepped out of our cars that’s when the camera zoomed in to get a better look. It went on from there. When I looked away and to Max I knew he wanted an explanation on how this had gotten out. I sighed, “I don’t know,” I shook my head, “It was in front of the school, maybe some kids caught it on camera.”
“It doesn’t matter, it’s how we’re going to clean this up,” he said, turning his laptop back around and looking at me dead in the face.
At his words and by the way he was looking at me, Max had never looked at me like that before, I knew something was going to happen. All I could think was that I was going to be fired, “What do you mean?” I ask, my voice trembling slightly.
“Vivien, you are a great designer, and I know that the band wants to go with your idea. But, because of these new circumstances, I’m going to intervene and turn the role of lead designer over to Dee. I think that is the best thing to do.”
I sat there stunned, my jaw dropped wide open, my mind blank with confusion. When I finally came out of it, which took all of three seconds, I had to go on the offense, “Max, it’s my design! How is Dee going to take over my design?!” I said, my voice suddenly sounding breathless, I really couldn’t believe this was happening.
Max held up his hands to me as if to block me out, “Now Vivien, I don’t want to hear it. You’re lucky you’re still working here. Now Dee is going to take over the design, I already let him know. You’re still going to be involved, just not in charge. Don’t get so worked up about it, okay?”
“Yeah, okay,” I said numbly, though I was seething. Dee had known from the second that I walked in that I was no longer lead designer, that no-good son-of-a-bitch.
“Good, now go on back to the office and explain your design to Dee. You two have three hours to work things out and get ready before the band members get here to help collaborate on the designs and also to get measured up.”
At his words I knew I was dismissed, end of discussion. I stood from the chair and left his office, closing his door to leave him in his privacy once again. When I entered the shared office Dee was trying to play dumb, like he had no idea that I was no longer lead designer. I was so pissed I wanted to take my pen and stab him but I knew that wouldn’t be the professional thing to do. Plus, if I did do that then I would be fired.
Dee looked away from his computer and up at me, my eyes watched him with disgust as I made my way back to my desk and sat down, “How’d it go?” he asked, and I almost lunged at him for I knew he already knew how it fucking went.
I shrugged, “It went just fine,” I told him, my voice icy. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me actually get upset, I mean what did he want me to do, cry?
“Look, Viv, I’m sorry,” he said, but he wasn’t sorry. Why would he be, this was what he wanted all along.
“You’re lead designer, okay? Just fucking shut up about everything and lets get to work,” I said sharply. I hated to do it, but it had to be done, I had to give in to the damn situation.
“Yeah, right. Do you have any more sketches?” he asked. I nodded as I opened my briefcase to pull out the detailed designs I had slaved over. Dee rolled his chair over to my desk so we could begin to brainstorm and plan out more details, “These are awesome, Viv,” he said, holding the papers in his hands, “Explain your concept to me, I want to know all your ideas,” he said.
I felt so cold and shattered within, I just wanted to tell him to figure it out himself though I knew I couldn’t do that. These were my designs, my hard work. Would it be me to get the big paycheck though, no. Would it be my name that everyone would know from this after it was done, no. Dee would get practically all the money and all the fame. I was right from the very beginning, I was out of the picture.