This Deep Secret

The shower felt good. The water was warm and the room was for the most part, silent. Half way through, there was a knock at the door.

“Harper?” It was Courtney.

“Come in, it’s not locked.” I called back.

The door opened, letting in cold air from the basement. I saw her shadow move across the floor.

“I brought you one of my blink-182 shirts and some sweatpants.” She said from the other side of the curtain.

“Thank you, Court.”

I thought she would leave, but she didn’t, instead she sighed, “What’s going on with you and Bill?” She asked. It sounded like she was debating on asking me or not.

I tried to think of a way to explain it. “He’s mad at me.” I finally said.

“Why?! He’s never mad at you.”

I sighed, “I missed his show last weekend because I had to watch Aiden because my mom was sick.” I started, “He got upset and told me all this shit about I’m always watching him even though he’s only my brother. Then he accused me of seeing someone else.” I finished.

She was quiet for a couple of seconds. I went on with washing my hair.

“You’re not seeing someone else are you?” She asked quietly.

“No!” I almost yelled, voice getting high and defendant.

“Okay, just making sure.” She said then sighed heavily, “Honestly, I think William is just insecure because he’s known you for such a long time and knows you can get any guy you want-“

I snorted, “Yeah okay.”

“It’s true, Harper, you’re beautiful and have guys chasing you all the time. You’re just so oblivious to it because you’re been chasing my brother.”

I groaned, “Was it that obvious?”

She chuckled, “Yeah.”

I finished washing the conditioner out of my hair then turned off the water.

“He does love you, though. He’s just being really stubborn.”

I reached out of the curtain and grabbed my towel from the rack above the toilet.

“Okay, I’ll leave you alone to get dressed.” She said then left the bathroom.

Once I was dressed and had my hair brushed, I went upstairs to see how Aiden was doing. He was knocked out on the couch. I chuckled at how unbelievable it was. William’s mother could calm him down and put him to sleep all in the span of a half hour while I couldn’t even get him to stop crying the three hours.

I walked into the kitchen and saw his mom sitting at the kitchen table, reading the paper and drinking a cup of coffee. William was sitting across from her, reading the sports section of the paper.

She looked up from the news when she heard me walk in as did William, “Hey Sweetie. Do you feel better?” I nodded. “That’s good.” She said, “I gave Aiden some children’s Tylenol and he basically immediately fell asleep.”

I wanted to cry; I was going to be such a bad mother. “Thank you. I didn’t know what to do.”

She smiled slightly at me, “It’s fine, Dear. Now, do you want anything to eat or drink?”

I shook my head, “No, I’m good, but,” I looked at William and lowered my voice, “William, can I talk to you, alone?”

He sighed and got up. I lead him down to his room, tears leaking down my face already. Once downstairs, I turned and looked at him. His hard look immediately changed into one of worry.

“What’s wrong?”

Just by his concern, I cried harder. “I’m such a terrible mother.” I wiped tears away as he looked at me confused.

“What do you mean? Aiden isn’t your son. You shouldn’t know how to be a mother.”

I shook my head, “That’s what I’ve been hiding from you.”

His face paled, “w-w-what do y-you me-mean?”

I cleared my eyes of tears, so I could see him, “William, Aiden is mine.” He gaped at me. “I went through eighteen hours of labor with him, I picked out his name, I was the first one to hold him, and I went through nine months of hormones being out of whack. He’s my son.”

He just stared at me. It was a good three minutes before he spoke again “s-s-so you h-had him when you we-we-were fourteen?” I just nodded, “Wh-where’s his dad?”

I looked away, this was the hard part. “I-I-I don’t know. I don’t even know who he is.” I thought about what I said, “That makes me sound like a slut or something, but you know me, I’m not.” I gulped, bracing myself for what I would say next. “I-I was... raped when I was fourteen except I didn’t know until I started getting morning sickness-“

“How did you not know? “ He seemed furious at either me or the guy, I didn’t know. Maybe both.

“I’m trying to explain, William. This is hard for me to talk about, so would you just let me talk?”

He shut his mouth and waited for me to continue.

“I was drugged except it didn’t knock me unconscious. The guy drugged me with some Columbian drug that basically takes over your body even when you’re awake. It’ll just take over and you do whatever it is that anybody wants. Except you don’t remember anything that happened.” I started to cry again, “It’s like someone took over my body and I wasn’t even in it.” I wiped the tears away and continued, “I had been getting sick a few weeks later and my mom thought it was suspicious, so she took me to the doctor and they told me I was pregnant.

“I was so confused and my mom was angry.” I explained. “After consulting a psychologist and the police, they came up with the conclusion that I was raped and drugged.” I finished.

William looked down at his hands; his face looked like he was concentrating on something. “Why didn’t you... terminate it?” He asked in a low voice.

I looked at him, shocked; how could he even ask such a thing?

He saw the rage in my eyes, “Don’t get me wrong, I love Aiden, but that must have been terrible, living with some monster’s kid inside of you.” He sneered the last part.

I sighed, “I thought about it, trust me, but if I got an...abortion then I would have killed a living being. I’m not for that.” He nodded in understanding. “We moved here to start over. My mom told me she’d raise him as her own, so I could go on living my life as a teenager, but if she needed a break or anything I had to watch him. It was the least I could do since he was my son.

“So all of those times I bailed out on plans with you I was watching my son as a “thank you” to my mother. She didn’t have to do what she did, but she did. She could have kicked me out and made me fend for myself, but she didn’t. I owe her so much.”

William crossed the room and pulled me into a hug. “I’m so sorry, Lights. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through. I’m so sorry I went psycho on you the other day. I understand now.”

I nodded against his chest as he smoothed down my hair and shushed me. It was then I realized I was crying again.

He gently grasped my head in his hands and made me look at him. “You are so brave, Lights, I wish I had half as much courage as you.” He said then leaned down and kissed me.

This kiss was amazing. It was soft, gentle, and showed me that he cared. I didn’t want it to ever stop. That. That right there is when I felt like there wasn’t anything in the world that could hurt me.

When we pulled away, I was smiling. “William Beckett, I love you.”

He smiled, “I love you, too. Always have, always will.” He leaned down and kissed me again.