A Thousand Words

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Have you ever started spinning and realized you couldn't stop? Have you ever looked at the world around you and watched it all start to blur together? Have you ever felt like your life has become a carnival for everyone to enjoy but you? No?

Well, I have.

I don't remember what triggered it. I don't remember anything before it. All I remember is going on the ferris wheel and feeling like it wasn't over long after I'd gotten off. My head was still spinning. The world was still spinning. I was still spinning out of control.

I wish I could blame it on drugs. I wish I could say I gave in to peer pressure and that was why my life took on this hazy effect. But I didn't. It just all started taking on a routine and then it was all a blur I couldn't keep up with. It all happened naturally, and I have nothing that I can blame. I haven't seen anything clearly in years and I don't know why.

Sometimes I can't even tell the difference between night and day. They both just seem like the same meaningless blur I can't see in, or hear in, or smile in. The only difference between night and day for me is where the lights blurring together come from. During the day, there's natural blurring light coming from the sky and making everything a hazy yellow color. During the night, there are all sorts of different colored lights fading gradually into each other and blinding me much more than the sun does.

The night is much worse than the day. The bright lights, all designed to grab your attention, remind me all too much of the ferris wheel, of all of those different lights blurring together as it spun round and round and then catapulted me off, making my head spin and never letting it stop. I always close my eyes and wait for the spinning to stop, but I can still feel it in my mind even if I can't see it. It never ends.

Countless people have come and gone in my life. They all come and try to be my friend, and they try to make the blurs crystalize, but they all give up and realize I'll never stop spinning. They all fade back into the background and blur together, and I can't bring myself to care. They were all just part of the ferris wheel, and it wasn't surprising that when the ride was over they got off while I was trapped to my seat.

Maybe the next friend will have some Goo-Gone to get rid of whatever is sticking me to my seat. Who knows. I can dream, can't I? But deep down, I know that the chances of this constant blur materializing is slim. It's a far off dream, not a close reality. But still, dreamers have something. If I can dream, that's at least a small bit of evidence that I'm a real person. If I can dream, maybe eventually the spinning will stop. Maybe eventually I can be normal.

My dreams are all in technicolor. They all consist of only blue, red, and green, all blurring together until my mind looks like an abstract art exhibit. I hear that if you dream in black and white, it means you're insane. Does technicolor mean I'm partially insane too? Will the blur ever stop?

I sigh as I wake up to another blurry day. The sound of the alarm clock buzzes mindlessly in my ears. Even the sounds in my life are starting to blur together. I get up, pick out a random outift I can't distinguish from the others, and walk out the door to get coffee. Coffee is the only thing that ever makes the ferris wheel stop. It only stops long enough to switch passengers and then starts right back up, but it stops nonetheless.

As soon as I sip the coffee, the spinning stops and the blur crystalizes. I close my eyes and smile, tilting my head back in pure bliss. Sweet clarity."Excuse me, is this seat taken?" I open my eyes and see a man in front of me. I blink a few times. The coffee's still working. I can really see him.

And he's crystal clear. Not blurry at all.

"N-No," I stutter. "It's open." He smiles flawlessly and sits across from me, his cappuchino steaming and creating a small cloud that undulates his image. But even though it comes in waves, his image is still clear. Clear and perfect.

We talk for what seems like hours. The coffee fades, and everything goes blurry again. But much to my surprise, he doesn't fade into the background. He's on the ferris wheel with me, in my gondola, staring right into my eyes and piercing my soul. I can feel something tugging at my soul, starting to pull it off the ride. It's inching closer and closer to the side of the gondola, to the solid earth the gondola is separating it from.

I can feel Goo-Gone seeping into my seat, starting to unstick my soul from it. I can feel the shackels starting to loosen. The ferris wheel is slowing down. I can almost see the blurs forming into actual pictures. Everything is still blurry, but the ferris wheel is slowly starting to dim its lights and shut down. The ride is coming to a close at last. It's closing time for the carnival.

I blink as I look around and realize I can see the coffee shop again. Without any coffee. Turns out all I needed was a stimulating dose of change and clarity. He smiles and says "So, I'd love to go on a date with you sometime."

I smile and stick my hand out, letting his encase it. His skin is soft and warm, and definitely not in technicolor. "I'd love that too." And the ferris wheel finally stops.