All's Fair in Love and Pain

Saturday, March 20, 2009

Above my eyes I saw a bright light and two dots seeming to come closer to me. Underneath me I felt a tug…tugging…something was pulling at my legs. I moved them up to my stomach and felt my knees against my flat belly. I heard ruffling and smelled fresh linen rub against my nose. There was a breeze rushing past my cheeks, escaping between my toes now. My legs were cold. I opened my eyes.
Lucy was folding the comforter in her strong arms, whistling softly to herself. The window was open and the white curtains danced with the wind. My room was completely bright from the morning sun. The light wood floor shimmered from the rays of sunlight coming through the windows, the baby blue walls reminded me of the sky on a perfect day, and the curtains and window pains hung like clouds. I wanted to jump up there and never come down. All the room needed now was a perfect angel laying on the white leather Italian bed. Sorry to disappoint.
“It’s time to get up, Miss Atkins.” Lucy tugged on the sheets underneath my limp body. Her Mexican accent was kind this morning instead of demanding.
“Just one more minute…” I pulled on the sheets but her grip was too strong so they slid right from under me. Now I was freezing. Why did I just wear the bare essentials to bed last night? Mental note: wear sweats and an actual t-shirt tonight.
I sat up and stretched out my long arms, yawning. I guess I should shower. The clock read 7:07. In one hour I was suppose to be down on the first level for breakfast with Daddy and Cody, then at eleven I’ve got cheer practice for two hours, then homework, then tutor at 4 until 6. After 6 I was free.
Once I showered I ran out of the bathroom and into the wide room, glancing at the clock again. 7:28. Now, what to wear… I decided to wear a blue pleated silk dress with my hair up in a crystal headband, that way my father couldn’t complain about my outfit being too casual. He liked us to think formal all the time. In his words: “The country cannot be run in jeans.”
According to him, it couldn’t be run in track shorts either. So I gathered myself into a presentable young lady and went downstairs slowly, but not too slow so that I wouldn’t be late. He hated tardiness. Basically, I was doing anything to not get in trouble with him this morning. I have a huge history test Monday and I need to concentrate on that instead of the bruises I’ve accumulated.
Once I got downstairs and into the breakfast room in which we consumed the first meal of the day, I sat down next to Cody. I think my stomach was competing in a jumping race because every breeze of bacon my nose caught it did a flip. Dad wasn’t there yet, and Cody was texting on his Blackberry. I sat there tapping my cold thigh with my index finger. Just eat the fruit and you’ll be okay. Just the fruit…
My father walked into the room, sitting down at the head of the long oak table. The servers filled our glasses with fresh squeezed orange juice and coffee. I preferred mine black, Cody’s took his with cream and lots of sugar, and my dad black just like me. We had that in common. And if I’m not mistaken, we had only that in common. Next they brought in a tray of bagels, wheat and white, some regular toast with jam and butter, and eggs and bacon and muffins. I kept my eyes on the fruit tray that held oranges, apples, bananas, peaches, strawberries, and blueberries. It was a lot of food, but whatever we didn’t eat the servers finished up or gave it to the construction workers who were redoing our pool house.
Cody and my father dug right in, my dad taking a bagel and cream cheese, some fruit, and eggs, and Cody took bacon, a muffin, and a banana. I stared at them for a moment, wishing I were that brave. Brave enough to consume poison that filled your insides and stuffed you silly. But I wasn’t, so I took some apple slices and strawberries. Total amount of calories: 65. I didn’t drink the orange juice, there were too many unneeded calories, and coffee I didn’t count because of the caffeine, which sped the metabolism.
I watched my father read the New York Times and I studied Cody as he continued to text. I got out my phone, feeling bored already. As soon as I touched the screen I saw three unread messages, but before I could read them my father’s voice rose to an awful pitch.
“What are you doing? This is family breakfast; you do not text while we’re eating,” he started chewing on his bacon, his eyes a furious shade of brown.
I took a nibble of apple then looked at Cody who had put his phone down. It was always me.
“There’s a dinner tonight at the White House, so I won’t be home till later.”
“Okay.” Cody took another muffin.
I stared at my plate.
“Eat, goddamn it, I’ve got no time for this.” My father slammed his fist on the table and flipped a page in his newspaper.
I swallowed and picked up my fork, moving the strawberries around then eating the last piece.
My father slapped a muffin on my plate. “I’m not explaining to the public that my daughter died of anorexia. I refuse to be embarrassed the way Haley’s father was.”
I wanted more than anything to slap him right then and there, but I held my tongue and stared at the greasy slice of death in front of me.
Cody ignored the argument and took a bite of banana.
I wish my father paid more attention to him than he did me. It wasn’t fair, he got away with-
“Alexia!” my father put down his paper. “Eat!” he shouted with a red face. He would do anything to keep his respect in the office, including yelling at his daughter and forcing her to be normal.
I picked up the slice of bacon and shoved it in my mouth.
No, I can’t have this kind of happiness.
Out of reflex, I spat it out onto my plate. I didn’t mean to do that, but it wasn’t meant to be there. My father was furious. He scowled at me and stood up in his chair so fast that it almost fell backwards.
“What the hell is wrong with you? Can’t you just be a normal person? You don’t see your brother acting up, do you?”
I frowned at the comparison. He always compared us. I was always the rotten daughter and he was the gifted son.
“Speak!”
“Leave me alone!” I shouted back. Cody didn’t know what to do. He sat there, probably praying that Dad would get a phone call, or anything to distract him.
“Dad,” he began but was cut off.
“Quiet!” he snapped at Cody and walked over to me. “Can you imagine the tabloids if they found out my daughter was a freak?” The way he said freak ticked something off inside me.
“Ya, well what if they found out more than that, huh? What if they saw what you do-”?
He slapped my face and the conversation was over. Cody stood up, his expression heated, and I left the room as quickly as I could. I heard my father’s chair squeak as he sat back down.
Cody was walking towards me from the breakfast room, his fists balled up. “You ok?”
“Ya, I’m fine.” I continued walking towards the stairs.
“Maybe we should call Sam.”
I laughed once then frowned. “Ya, so next time he’ll have a razor in his hand.”
“I’m sure he could help us-”
“He can’t, and you know it.” God, why was this house so big? I walked through another sitting room and found the stairs. Before I walked up them I turned to Cody, “if we called him then Dad would find out. He would kill us both before Sam got a chance to move us out.”
I looked at Cody’s worn out face one more time before retreating back to my room. I hated it when I was right.

“Raw, raw, go Cougars!” Jessica screamed and fell off of the two girls she was standing on.
I rolled my eyes and continued to chant. “Raw, raw…”
Did I feel as stupid as I looked? Yes. Did I want to throw the other girls off a cliff for messing up? Yes. Did I throw my skirt up when we made a touchdown with the other girls? Yes. Did I think this was the stupidest thing to do? Yes. Did I still do it anyways? Yes.
We were robots! Silly little robots in blue skirts and silver tops, throwing silver pom poms in the air. The only issues these girls had were “should I get a non-fat latte or a skinny mocha?”
Ouch! Clair just hit me in the back with her leg as she was performing a high kick. I turned around and glared at her.
“Oops, I’m so sorry!” she gasped and retreated back in formation, her face flushed.
I turned back around and led the routine until each and every one of those fake-tanned blonds got it right. It took a while. Since I was the captain it was dependent on me to get these girls in line. Sage and Sabrina were my co-captains, but they helped just as much as the rest of the girls did. Usually Sage was texting Ian and Sabrina was showing off her flexibility to the other girls, whom were completely in awe.
“Okay,” I wiped the few drops of sweat forming at the top of my forehead after we completed the routine for what felt like the fiftieth time. The girls all turned their attention to me. “Our next game is Friday and it’s a home game, so we have to practice our-” I was interrupted. Oh great, them. Every Saturday when I’m working my butt off to get us in shape the football team has to come into the gym and ruin everything. Their practice just ended and they were on their way to the locker rooms to change, but they always managed to distract my squad.
Half of the girls ran to them, a few made out by the bleachers, the rest squealed and showed off their uniform trying to impress the guys. Sage and Ian kissed and he picked her up, swinging her around. Collin and Cody walked over to Sabrina and I.
“We should do something tonight,” Collin suggested, brushing his thick blond hair out of his face. There was a thin layer of sweat on both the boys, and they seemed out of breath as they hunched over, carrying their helmets. That’s the way cheerleading practice should be.
“Sounds like fun,” Sabrina smiled at him and they kissed lightly. Sabrina and Collin were made for each other. Like Romeo and Juliet. Both were extremely quiet and shy people, insecure in a confident appearance though, book-smart, and attractive (whether they admitted it or not).
“We should go to the beach,” Collin started brushing Sabrina’s hair.
“We always go to the beach,” Cody whined.
“There’s nothing else to do,” I added smugly. New Canaan wasn’t really the destination spot of America. There was no water park or brilliant shopping mall. Besides, I could go to the beach everyday. I could live there on the beach. It was my vocation.
“We could go to Long Beach and do some shopping?” Sabrina hinted to me and we both giggled. There was nothing we liked better than a good shopping spree on Fifth Avenue. What girl could pass that up? Especially with an unlimited credit card…
The guys groaned. “Like that’s any fun for us!”
“What’s going on?” Ian came over, one shoulder on Sage and the other he rested on Collin’s back. He leaned forward and I saw a small lip-gloss mark on his cheek. I looked at Sage and she lifted a finger to her lips.
“We’re trying to figure out what to do tonight,” Cody said.
“How about the party at Jeff’s?” Sage mentioned. Of course she mentions a party. It’s Sage.
I bit my lip. “Well…”
Sabrina, Collin, and I weren’t for parties, but the others lived for them.
“Sounds good to me!” Cody gave Ian a high five.
“Yah...” I whispered sarcastically.