Somebody else's arms

Chapter 3

Ryan

The days dragged by as I waited for it to be the 21st, so I could arrange Brendon’s surprise. I was a little scared that he had made plans to get tickets to the concert himself, but nothing hinted towards that, he never even mentioned My Chemical Romance coming to town, so I suppose he didn’t even know about it. That seemed a little weird, but I didn’t want to think about it too much. I wanted my surprise to be perfect, and small things like that wouldn’t ruin it for me.

Finally the day came, and I was standing in our bedroom with my cell phone in my hand, the number already dialed on it.
“Okay Ryan, you can do it”, I assured myself. I hated calling people that I didn’t know. I always got this uneasy feeling before the call, and usually I had to go over the first few lines in my head before I actually had the courage to press the green button. This was one of the things that not many people knew about me. Most of my friends thought that I had a great self-confidence, and that I felt good in every possible situation that life could throw me. Faking was almost too easy sometimes.

“Hello”, a man’s deep voice answered, after I had finally called the number.
“Um…hey, it’s Ryan Ross here. I was just wondering if you sell those, you know, concert tickets…” I mumbled, furious at how obviously my voice trembled. During moments like these, I really envied those people who actually had a great self-confidence, instead of just pretending to have one.
“Which concert are you interested in?” asked the man’s voice again, sounding all businesslike.
“My Chemical Romance. In San Francisco.”
“You are a lucky guy, the tickets are almost gone. You really are calling at the last minute. A popular band, I assume. Personally never really liked their music though”, my ticket-sellers voice babbled.
“Yeah okay, I want two tickets there”, I said quickly, before the man would share some more unimportant information with me.
“And the name was?”
“Ryan Ross. And Brendon Urie.”
“Okay, we’ll send you the tickets and the bill by the 30th of April. You need to pay the tickets before the 2nd of May or they won’t let you in at the door. One ticket costs 32 dollars. Good afternoon”, the man said, and the phone went dead.
“Great service… “ I mumbled, but decided not to care. I had got the tickets for my Brendon. I was going to surprise him big time, and he was going to love it. He had to love it.

Brendon

As I was arranging the flowers in the window of the mortician where I worked, I heard a beep in my jacket pocket. A text message. After adding one last white rose I stepped away from the window and dug my phone from my pocket.
“Are you coming straight home today? Missing you, xoxo”, said the message. It was from Ryan, of course. The totally normal, but still sweet message made me feel even worse. For the past weeks it had felt like cold fingers were crushing my heart inside their stony grasp, and now the grip tightened. How could I do this to Ryan? How could I do this to us? I loved Ryan, ,but still I did this. Sometimes I just couldn’t understand myself. For unknown reasons I was now hurting Ryan, hurting myself, and also hurting Frank. Mostly Ryan, though, and that was what killed me. I couldn’t stand watching Ryan get more and more worried as more days passed. And still I did. Even though I saw how much it hurt him to see me like this, and not to know what had happened. I never did anything about it. I was a coward, I had to admit that. I was scared to face my own problems.

I walked around the counter and sat down on the chair. I pressed my cheek on the counter and rested there, trying to fight off my tears. I had to stay strong. I had to make a decision, and I would have to make that decision soon. Something would have to end. I couldn’t live my life like this anymore. More importantly, I couldn’t let Ryan live through a life like this for much longer. I wanted Ryan, but I knew that I didn’t deserve him.

Finally I felt stable enough to answer Ryan’s message.
“Yes I’m coming home. I’ll be there at around five. I miss you too, xo”, I typed simply. As I watched the message being sent the screen became blurred. I hurried off into the backroom, sobbing as I realized how true the last words actually were. I missed Ryan, missed him more then I had ever missed anyone. Even that time when Ryan had been away for two weeks, because of some family business, I had lived through it, just because I knew that when he would come things would be just as perfect as they had been before he left. Now everything was far from perfect. And I was afraid that it wouldn’t ever go back to that. All because of me.

As I finally stepped into our apartment I felt a little nervous. And excited too. I loved surprises, and I really hoped that this would be a fun one. Though I couldn’t help feeling really bad too. All the nice things that Ryan did to me just made me realize, once again, how much I didn’t deserve him.

“Hey Ryan”, I smiled as I saw Ryan sitting on the couch in the living room. He looked so sweet sitting there with his thin arms wrapped tightly around his legs. As he saw me he got up and walked across the room to give me a hug.
“Hey”, he greeted me, and flashed a smile much more genuine than mine.
“Can I see my surprise now?” I asked. It surprises me how excited I actually sounded. It was hard to worry, or feel sad when Ryan looked into my eyes like that. I loved him so much. And he loved me too, though it would be so much better for him if he didn’t. And one day that will probably change anyway, if he finds out what I have done to him. I fought hard to push the tears away. I wouldn’t ruin this moment for Ryan, I promised myself. No matter what is happening I would act happy. And I’m sure I would love it. Ryan knew me well enough to get me something that I would like.

One of his arms was still tightly wrapped around me, as Ryan pulled something out of his pocket with his free hand.
“Here darling”, he whispered into my ear as he passed me the slips of paper. My nightmare comes to life as I read the three words scrawled on top of the small pieces of paper.
“My Chemical Romance.” The name escaped from my lips, as I stare at the ticket in horror. No way. This isn’t happening. Act happy, I remind myself and force a smile on my face.
“Thank you so much!” I said as I wrapped both of my hands around him.
“No problem. All I want is to make you happy”, Ryan said sweetly as he leaned forward so that our lips met. His words almost made the tears spill, but I tried to control myself for a few more minutes. I couldn’t start crying when Ryan thought that this surprise would make me really happy. I had to try, not for me, but for him. After all, he was the only good thing in my life. The word good actually sounded really wrong in this case. He was much, much better then good. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me. And now I was going to lose him, because of my own stupidity.

“I need to go to the bathroom”, I said quickly and broke away from Ryan’s embrace. Leaving him alone in the living room I dashed into the bathroom, locking the door after me. The tears were already flowing freely when I sat on the floor. My life was crashing down, and I knew it. Soon Ryan would know it too, since his life would crash with mine.