Somebody else's arms

Chapter 7

Brendon

It was when I had finally been dropped off at the front door of our apartment that I realized that I couldn’t go there. I couldn’t face Ryan, no matter how much I wanted to. It wouldn’t be fair for him to have to face me right after he got to know what I had done. His reaction had been clear enough. He didn’t want to be near me anymore. I sat down on the sidewalk to think. I didn’t know what to do, or where to go. Not like it really mattered now anyway. I didn’t know for how long I sat there, staring into space. Time passed but I barely realized. I just sat there, thinking about nothing. I just simply didn’t feel anything. I was numb from the pain that I had caused myself.

“I might as well kill myself”, I mumbled to myself, and then despite of everything, laughed softly. At least I knew that I wasn’t that far gone. I had never really believed in suicide. I thought that it was a selfish thing and couldn’t have ever done it myself. I wanted to believe that there were other ways of making things right then dying.

“I doubt that Ryan is even there”, I muttered to myself, realizing how much I actually spoke to myself these days. Oh well, a good habit since I probably wouldn’t have many people to talk to in the near future. If Ryan wasn’t there to listen, then who should have the right to be there? Absentmindedly I got up, fished my keys out of my pocket, opened the door and headed for the stairs. I had to go check. I wanted to see Ryan, I wanted to apologize. If he wouldn’t want me there I would leave right away, I tried to convince to myself as I jumped up the stairs, trying to keep the tears back. How much did I wish that I could just erase last night. Erase the last 3 weeks. Take Frank out of my life.

As I finally reached our door, out of breath and flushed, I stood there for a minute. I didn’t know if I could do it. I would definitely break down the second I saw him. I didn’t know why I was torturing myself, and him, again. I gulped and thrust the key into the keyhole. I had come this far, I couldn’t leave now.

I pushed open the creaking door and walked into the apartment. I regretted it the second I had closed the door behind me. Everything there reminded me of Ryan. The place even smelt like Ryan. I quickly turned away when I saw Ryan’s dirty red converse in the hall. He was home.

I almost left again, but forced myself to go on. The apartment was quiet, so I figured that he would be asleep. It didn’t make things any easier though. It would be hard to watch Ryan sleep, without crawling into bed next to him, and holding him in my arms. I had thought that my heart would be numb enough not to feel anything anymore, but apparently I had been wrong. I felt sick inside, and my head felt like it would burst any minute.

I walked into the living room and there he was. Incredibly sweet looking, sleeping on the couch, all curled up under a soft blanket. With a jolt I realized that his eyeliner was smudged and all over his face. He had been crying. Just watching him made me feel like crying too. He was so…perfect. In every way. And I had had him, he had been mine. The past tense of my thoughts made a lonely tear creep down my cheek. It was so true. He had been mine, but wasn’t anymore. I had pushed him away, because I had been stupid enough to mess with Frank. I had never really regretted anything in my life before. Not until right then as I stood there watching Ryan sleep. I was filled up with so many emotions that it was hard to know what I was feeling. A big part of me just wanted to lie on the couch next to him, stroke his cheek and tell him that everything would be fine. Which I couldn’t do. I forced myself to turn away from the beautiful sight on the couch, and walk into the kitchen. I wanted to leave Ryan a note before I would leave. I couldn’t have him wake up and see me there. That would hurt us both, if that even was possible anymore. At least I had been hurt beyond repair, and everything had been much harsher on Ryan so I couldn’t even imagine how he must have felt. If he even cared anymore.

“Dear Ryan”, I wrote with my shaky hand. The handwriting was a little messy, and I had to watch out that no salty tears would fall onto the paper and smudge the ink.
“I’m so so sorry for everything that I have done. I know that I have no right to even wish that you could ever forgive me for it, but I still cannot help but hope for that with all my heart. You know that I love you, so I really don’t even need to say that. I just want to make it clear. I never loved Frank. I don’t know why I did it, which makes everything even worse. It would be easy to say that he seduced me, that he forced me into it, or whatever, but sadly I need to say that it was just as much my fault as it was his. It’s over now though, for real. Not like that makes any difference to you though, I think. I know this letter will sound pathetic to you, and I’m sorry for that. I know that you probably don’t want to see me anymore. I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve you. I’ll leave and you’ll never have to see me again, I promise that. No matter how much it will hurt me, it wouldn’t be fair to hurt you any more than I already have. I never was that special in the first place, so I’m sure you’ll get over me with no difficulties. I’ll finish now. I can’t write any more or I’ll break down. Once again, I’m so sorry Ry. You don’t know how much I regret everything, especially not telling you about it before was already too late. If you can, please try to forgive me. I love you. And I will miss you, more than anything. The fact that this was all my fault only makes everything so much worse. Sorry for ruining everything. You know that you’ll always be the first one in my mind. Xoxo Brendon.” I finished my pathetic letter and left it on the table, quickly getting up and rushing to the door.

As I stuffed my feet into my shoes, I heard Ryan waking up. I had to get out before he would find me here. I slammed the door shut and ran down the stairs. When I was back on the street I waved my hand for a taxi and luckily one stopped. I climbed in and shoved a 20 bill to the driver.
“Take me to the closest hotel”, I croaked, trying to keep my voice steady. The driver shot a questioning look at me, then shrugged and began driving.

After I had booked myself into a hotel I rushed into my room, threw off my clothes and crawled into bed. I had no intentions on getting out from that comfortable nest in the next few days. Tears and traces of eyeliner wet the pillow, but I was too tired to care. Finally I fell asleep, my cheeks still wet from crying. That night I had my first nightmare ever.

Ryan

I stared at the letter, horrified. Here it was in black and white. Brendon had left me. Well, I left him, but he had just cheated on me. What else could I have done? A certain phrase caught my eye.
“I don’t deserve you”, I read out loud and shivered. He did. He deserved me better than I deserved him. Yes, he had cheated on me, and because of that I probably wouldn’t ever be able to trust him again, at least not as much as before. But still, he was my Brendon, and I missed him so. Everyone makes mistakes, I thought and turned over the letter, incapable of looking at it anymore. Every word, every letter hurt. I needed Brendon and I wanted him here. Though a part of me didn’t want him anywhere near me. I was afraid that he would hurt me again. Oh Brendon, why did you have to do it, I thought, feeling almost hysterical. I collapsed onto the table and my shoulders started shaking. Tears were streaming down my face again, uncontrollably. I wished that I could forgive Brendon, but I didn’t know if it was possible. Every other time when something had been wrong I had just crawled into Brendon’s arms and it would have all be good again. But not this time. This time I was on my own. All the way. Brendon had said it himself; I would never see him again.