Leaving My Fingerprints

“Nick, honey, I’m so glad you’re here,” Ms. Capewell hugged me. “Maxie will love to see you.”

She looked exhausted, and paler than I had ever seen her. “How is she?” I asked slowly.

“She’s sleeping,” her mom said, pushing her hair out of her face. “The doctor said she’ll be okay. They said these symptoms are to be expected at this stage.”

I nodded slowly. At this stage. The words didn’t even seem real. “Can I see her?” I asked quietly.

She nodded, and pointing to the room. “I’ll give you a few moments alone, okay?” Her voice was too understanding.

I nodded and went to the room she had pointed out. Taking a deep breath, I stepped in. My heart nearly broke as soon as I walked in. Not 10 feet away from me was the love of my life, sleeping, looking so peaceful, and yet, not peaceful. There was an agony written in her face, a slow, deadly agony. I took a deep breath and walked closer, taking a seat in the chair next to her bed. I took her hand in mine, and held it to my face, letting my warmth encircle her cold, almost lifeless body. I sighed. I didn’t want to wake her, but I needed to see she was truly okay. Lying and sleeping as she was, it seemed almost as if I had already lost her. Her hand moved and slowly she blinked her eyes awake.

“Nick?” she said, the sleep still heavy in her tone.

“Hey Maxie,” I tried to smile.

“What are you doing here?” she asked weakly.

“You didn’t really think I’d let you leave, did you?” I asked, smiling a bit more as I saw she was really okay – for now.

She smiled feebly, and sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” she said.

I felt terrible she was apologizing to me. “Babe, you don’t have to apologize to me. I should be the one apologizing to you.”

“Babe?” she smiled, blushing slightly.

There was a bit more color to her face and that made me even happier. She was truly okay. I grinned. “That’s what a guy calls a girl he loves, right?”

She sighed sadly, and looked away. I was confused. Hadn’t Joe said that she loved me? Shouldn’t she be glad I was telling her I returned the feelings? “Why’d you come Nick?” she asked, her voice pained now.

“I was going to bring you back to California,” I said quietly. Did she not want me here?

“I’m not coming back,” she said, her voice just as low.

“Then I’ll stay here,” I said, refusing to be shot down. She loved me too, I knew it.

She sighed, and looked at me, her eyes pained. “I wish you wouldn’t.”

“Why not?” I asked, trying to conceal the pain. “We’re best friends.”

“I’m dying,” she coughed. “We both know it. I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“Is that why you didn’t tell me?” I asked quietly. I knew her too well. “You wanted me to remember our last summer as it was, and not dragged down by your leukemia?”

“That,” she said weakly. “And I didn’t want to hear what you came here to tell me.”

“What?” I asked, confused.

She sighed. “Nick, I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. And for so long I prayed you would love me too. But on the way back home I realized I don’t want you to love me back.”

“Why?” I asked, my confusion replaced with rejection now.

“Because I’m dying,” she reminded me as if I needed or wanted to hear it again.

“Why do you keep saying that?”

“Because it’s the truth,” she said sympathetically. “And when I die, I don’t want you to hold onto me.”

“I’m never letting go,” I said anyway. I never would. Maxie was my everything.

“You have to,” she said faintly. “You have your whole life ahead of you.”

“So should you,” I retaliated.

“But I don’t,” she cried. “Nick, I have a few months. I don’t want to get so attached to you that it hurts all the more when I’m gone.”

“It won’t matter,” I said quietly.

“Not for me you idiot,” she rolled her eyes. “For you! I know you Nick. You’ll spend so much energy and power and love in this for me and when I die, it will kill you. Do you think I want to be responsible for that? For causing you that pain?”

I gapped at her. Was she serious? “You let me worry about that,” I said coolly. She may be dying but no way in hell was I going to let her control me like that, especially in this. She was not going to keep me away.

“Nick—,” she started.

“No,” I interjected her firmly. “You listen to me now. Maxie, you’re my best friend. We’re like the same person. You know me better than anyone,” I said, tears forming in my eyes. “I love you so much, even if I just realized it was more than just as friends. You’ve always been my everything. And I’ll be damned if you try to keep me away. So whether you like it or not, I’m here to stay with you until your very last breath, got it?”

She was quiet as she reached up and wiped the tears that had started falling down my cheeks. “Do you really love me?” she asked.

I smiled, and reached up to take her hand in mine. I kept our intertwined hands pressed against my cheek. “More than you will ever know.”

“Okay,” she smiled. “Your speech was corny to the max, but you can stay.”

I smiled, leaning in and kissing her forehead. “Good because even if you tried to kick me out, I wouldn’t have left.”

“How many times did you practice that on the way here?” she asked.

Damn, she knew me too well. “10,” I admitted wistfully.

She laughed feebly. “It was good. Corny, but good.”

“I’m glad you liked it,” I said.

She closed her eyes. “I’m going to sleep now, okay?”

“Okay,” I said, pulling my hand away to let her rest.

She opened her eyes and gripped my hand. “Don’t leave,” she whispered.

“Promise,” I said quietly as I sat there and watched her fall asleep. Finally, after all this time, we would get to be together. I tried not to think about the future.