Leaving My Fingerprints

It had been four weeks since the funeral, and yet Joe had not seen his brother cry once. Nick had become an emotionless statue, going through the motions. His main focus was on music now, on improving their sound, recording their newest CD and getting ready for their upcoming tour, though his parents had asked them if they wanted to postpone. But Nick had refused. He would not stop for even a second, going from one thing to the next. Joe and Kevin had a feeling he was trying not to think of anything or anyone else.

“Hey,” Joe said, walking into Nick’s room where Nick was packing. Everyone had resolved that maybe they needed a vacation, maybe somewhere quiet away from the world where Nick could relax.

Nick looked up at his brother, nodding in acknowledgment before turning back to his suitcase. Should he take the brown shoes or the black ones?

“Dad said that Tom called,” Joe told him as he sat down at the computer, referring to the guy they were working with in the studio right now.

“What did he say?” Nick asked, his voice dead. There was never any emotion behind his voice or actions any more.

Joe sighed, hating to see his brother like this. “He said there’s room for one more song on the CD if we have anything.”

Nick looked at his brother. He knew what Joe was trying to do, he had tried before as well. But Nick wouldn’t fall for it. He refused to write anything, refusing to let his deepest emotions come out. He refused to think. “Get one of the old songs,” Nick said impartially.

“We looked,” Joe said, ready for this line. “We couldn’t really find anything we liked.”

“Look again,” Nick shrugged.

“But if you could just sit and write someth--,” Joe started.

“Look again,” Nick interjected, each word slow and deliberate, before Joe said something to make him thing, to break. Nick could not afford that. He could not break down. He took a deep breath and turned back to his packing with detachment. He didn’t care anymore. He put both pairs of shoes in.

Joe sighed and left the room, knowing there was nothing he could do. As much as it killed him to see his younger brother like this, this emotionless – thing, he knew Nick had put on this demeanor to protect himself, to protect his heart. And because of that, Joe couldn’t really break him. Maxie’s death had been hard on all of them, but he knew it had been hardest on Nick. Her funeral day slowly came back into his mind.

“Hey,” Joe said, coming into Maxie’s room where Nick was sitting on her bed, staring straight ahead of him.

Nick made no movement, no sound. He just stared straight ahead of him, lost in a whole other world and time. Joe’s own eyes, he knew, were red and puffy, but Nick’s face was fine. There was no redness, no puffiness. He knew his brother had not cried once.

“Mom and dad are here,” he continued. “They want to see you.”

Nick didn’t respond.

“And then we have to go to the parlor,” he continued still.

Finally, there was a reaction. But it was not one Joe had been braced for. He had been prepared for tears or violence even. But when Nick stood up, there was neither. There was nothing. Nick simply stood up and walked out the room. He was quiet as his parents cried and hugged him and merely shrugged when they asked how he was doing. He was quiet as they got into the car and drove to the funeral home, everyone watching Nick as if he would explode. But Joe knew better. Nick would not explode, not yet. He had put up a face that Joe had seen only once before when their grandmother had died, and even then, it wasn’t like this. This was a broken heart shielding itself. This was a broken guy trying to stay together.

Nick was quiet as they piled into the funeral home, taking their seats, and he was quiet as they went up to see the casket. He was quiet as his finger idly stroked the casket, and then the face of the girl inside. He bowed his head down, closing his eyes as he felt her cold, lifeless face. For a second, Joe was afraid he would explode here, that they would see a true broken man. But he didn’t. Nick merely opened his eyes, turned around and went back to his seat.

He was quiet as the speeches came, first Maxie’s mom and then Emma, and even Demi. Everyone looked at Nick, waiting for him to go up as well. They had saved him for last, he who knew Maxie the best, who had had her heart and soul for so long. Joe wondered if his brother would even go up. But he did.

Nick stood up and looked at the girl in the casket he was standing in front of one more time before turning his back on her and facing the audience. “When we were 10, Maxie once told me that her greatest wish in the world was to fly. Not in a plane or anything. No, Maxie wanted to be a bird. She wanted to soar over the heads of the clueless people that didn’t even realize what they had. But most importantly, she wanted to see the world. For as long as I can remember, that was our dream. We would see the world together, every country, every state, every wonder, we would see it all – together. For those of you who knew her well enough, you know that if Maxie and I thought it, it was possible. We could do anything, as long as we were together. But now she’s gone. She left this world far too early. But maybe now she’ll finally get her dream. Maybe she’ll get to become a bird, or even better, an angel, one of God’s personal angels.” He sighed, looking at the ground and taking a deep breath. His voice was cracking, and his heart was breaking even more, but he had to go on, he had to -- for her. “And I know one day I’ll get to see her again, and I’m going to wait for that day, the day I too will rise to eternity and see this beautiful angel who has been watching over all of us until the time we can see her again. She may be gone physically, but never, never will she be gone from my heart, from my mind. She and I are one, truly and fully. And I know even now, she’s watching over us. Thank you,” he said, and sat down.

Everyone was quiet, staring at him. No one said a word, waiting to see if he would cry, if he would need to be consoled. Only his family knew better. He would not disgrace her memory by crying here. He would not break. His mom put her arm around his shoulders as they sat through the rest of the procession.

When they had gotten home, it wasn’t much better. Nick had begun talking again, but from then on, he was barely a person. He moved, he spoke, he lived, but never fully. He was always only half present, even when they played their music. He was never completely there. He was always lost in another time, a time, they suspected, with Maxie. That was how he coped with this. But it had been four weeks, and though they were all breaking, they wanted Nick back.

Joe stopped in the doorway and turned around. “She’s gone Nick,” he said quietly.

“Shut up,” Nick seethed slowly. He had stopped moving, though his back was to Joe.

“She is,” he said again. “But that doesn’t mean you have to be too.”

“Shut up!” Nick commanded.

“Not thinking about it doesn’t change that,” Joe said. “It won’t bring her back.”

And for the first time in weeks, Joe saw emotion come out of Nick as he crossed the room swiftly and punched Joe in the face. There was blood coming out of his nose, but he continued still. Finally, Nick was coming out.

“She’s dead Nick,” he cried, and was met yet again with Nick’s fist.

“Shut up!” Nick screamed.

Everyone had come to the commotion. Their mom was standing with her mouth covered, but their dad held her back. Nick was finally more than an emotionless statue. He was breaking. They knew Joe knew what he was doing, and thusly stood back and let him do it. Joe looked up at Nick from where he was kneeling on the ground.

“She wouldn’t want you like this,” Joe spat, blood coming out of his mouth. “You think you’re helping her memory, savoring it? You’re disgracing it.”

“Stop talking,” Nick commanded loudly, kicking his brother. He couldn’t hear this. He couldn’t. He pushed him out of his room and slammed the door, taking deep breaths, one after another. He tried to calm himself, tried to think of something else. For four weeks, he had not thought of her, four weeks he had kept her deliberately out of his mind. And now she was rushing back in, all the memories taking place before his eyes, and he couldn’t take it. In a rage, he started throwing everything he could lay his hands on, tossing it as far as he could, slamming it to the wall. He tore everything, broke anything. He was ripping her from his mind. Only when his room was a totally chaos did he collapse on his bed, though still not shedding a tear. Instead, he stared straight up at the ceiling, as silent as the wind. Still, he could let break her from his mind, or his sight. All he had to do was close his eyes, and she was right there next to him. After weeks of not thinking of her, he kept his eyes closed and let himself revel in her presence.

It was late when Joe woke up. He had been awakened by music, the sound of a piano. He made his way to the stairs and looked into the family room where the piano sat. He stood silently, watching his younger brother sit there, playing a melody he had never heard before. He walked down, hidden behind the wall, just listening. He was soon silently joined by his family. They could all hear the passion in the song, the emotion. They could not bring themselves to scold him for the hour. Nick was finally breaking. He was finally going to be okay.

“She walks away
The colors fade to gray
Every precious moment now a waste,” he sang.

She hits the gas
Hoping it would pass
But the red light starts to flash
It's time to wait

And the black keys never looked so beautiful
And a perfect rainbow never seemed so dull
And the lights out
Never had this bright a glow
And the black keys showing me a world I never knew, no
A world I never knew

She hates the sun
Cause it proves she's not alone
And the world doesn't revolve around her soul
She loves the sky cause it validates her pride
Never lets her know when she is wrong

And the black keys never looked so beautiful
And a perfect rainbow never seemed so dull
And the lights out
Never had this bright a glow
And the black keys showing me a world I never know,” he stopped.

Joe and Kevin looked at each other, wondering if he had gone back behind his emotionless reserve. But then they heard him sob. He was crying quietly, but it was still crying. Joe stood up and walking in. Kevin followed quickly. Instead of saying anything, Joe started singing.

“Yeah, the walls are closing in,” he sang. Nick looked up at him, his face red and puffy, his cheeks covered in tears. Still, they poured out of his eyes. They sat down on either side of their younger brother and a quiet understanding went through them. They would not talk. They would make music. And they would get through this. Kevin grabbed his guitar as Nick started playing the melody again.

“Don't let em get
Inside of your head
Don't let em get
Inside of your head
Don't let em get
Inside of your head
Don't let them inside,” Joe sang.

”Cause the black keys never looked so beautiful
And a perfect rainbow never seemed so dull
Oh-oh
And the lights out never had this bright a glow
And the black keys showing me a world I never know,” Nick ontinued.

”Don't let em get
Don't let em get
Inside of your head
No
Don't let em get yeah
Inside of your head
Don't let em get
Don't let em get
Inside of your head
Don't let em get
Oh-oh
Inside of your head,” Joe sang.

”Sometimes a fight is better black and white,” Nick finished, looking at his brother’s bruised face, grimacing, knowing he had been responsible.

The music stopped and Nick smiled at his brothers. Finally, the faintest of smiles was on his face. His brothers smiled too. “Sorry,” Nick said. He had come to a decision before coming down here. He would not hide away. She was gone, yes, but he was still here. She would not get to see the world, or leave out her dreams or see tomorrow, but he could. And he would. He’d see everything, do everything, for the both of them. And that meant finally breaking.