Nowhere Man

By the time Brendon gets into work the next day, he's half insane. He wants to know everything: why Ryan stopped talking to him so suddenly, why he's not good enough, why he wanted Vicky to come to him instead of coming to her like normal.

He decides he's going to find out, and he doesn't care whether what he's going to do is a total invasion of privacy. He needs to know. He did nothing to deserve the way that Ryan has treated him. He's more than a rag that Ryan can wipe his snot on when he needs to and put away when he doesn't.

He's going to listen to the tape Vicky took yesterday during their session and read Ryan's chart. He knows that it's wrong and maybe he has no right, but... if he doesn't find out why, he's going to wither into nothing.

During his break, he quickly scans through the files and finds the one that he needs. The tape is already on his desk; Vicky told him to put it away earlier.

Brendon sneaks into the single toilet restroom (locking the door behind him, of course) and settles down on the floor, his back resting against the wall. He then gets out the tape recorder with the tape already nestled inside and rests it on his knee, ready for use. He also has his headphones so no one will hear the voices coming from it and come to investigate.

He swallows. For months, he's been avoiding this file. For months, he'd been afraid of what he'd find.

George Ryan Ross, it reads in Vicky's scrawl. Twenty-two years old. Tried to commit suicide, so his friend sent him here. Really emotionally detached.

Yeah, Vicky's never been really formal with her notes.

Obsessive compulsive, feels the need to control every situation. Probably due to his mother and father leaving him (physically and emotionally) at a very young age. He doesn't want to show too much because he doesn't want to be hurt anymore.

Brendon closes the file and takes a breath. He had been thinking that Ryan was OCD for a while, being with his totally neat apartment and all that (he didn't go to school for four years to learn nothing). Plus, the fact that Ryan always tried to clean his room whenever he was over was kind of an indicator. He just doesn't want to read any more.

Instead, he plugs in his headphones into the tape recorder and pops them in his ears. Holding his breath, he presses play.

"Alright, Ryan," Vicky's voice says. "Want to explain to me what your deal is? You look like shit." She's never been good with tact.

There's the sound of Ryan clearing his throat. "I'm, like. I don't even know, Vicky. I'm a wreck. I haven't changed my clothes in two days," he replies. His voice sounds broken, unlike his usual monotone.

"Yeah, I can tell. You're starting to smell of decay. So, what happened? I mean, for the past few months, you've been great. You've really been opening up. I was going to tell you that you didn't have to keep coming if you didn't want to," Vicky informs him.

Taking a deep breath, Ryan whispers, "I met someone, and I fucked it up."

"You did? You never mentioned them," she says knowingly. Brendon knows she's probably raising an eyebrow.

"I know," he answers pitifully. "I didn't want to get ahead of myself, you know? At first it was just physical, and then... it got out of hand."

"Let me guess. You started to havefeelings," Vicky states.

Sighing, he mumbles, "Yes."

"Alright. Let's take me one step at a time. So tell me a little bit about this mystery person. What's their name? What are they like?" Vicky prompts.

"He's, uh. His name isn't important," Ryan tells her.

"Mhm, right," she returns, sounding suspicious. "So. What does he do? Tell me everything you know about him."

"Well, he's gorgeous. I mean, really. Like unbelievably. I can't believe he even wanted to date me at all." He pauses. "Really big lips, great ass. Awesome hips. He doesn't mind bottoming like all the- Oh, sorry." Brendon knows he's probably blushing.

"It's okay," she encourages. "Go on."

"And, uh, he's just really affectionate. Likes cuddling. I kind of like it too, but I never told him that."

"Ryan," Vicky scolds, "We talked about this. No one is going to think less of you if you admit you're starved for affection."

"I know, I know," Ryan mutters. "It's just... I'm not used to it, you know? I never got it much. Accept from Spencer's mom sometimes. I'm just really scared to admit that I want it."

"It's normal, considering your background to not want to show weakness. You just need to know that there's a time to be strong, and there's a time to be vulnerable."

Ryan is silent for a few moments. "So anyway, he's like, my complete opposite. He's really messy. You don't even know how many times I've picked up his shit from his bedroom floor. We were at my house most of the time, though, so it's okay. He's a good person, like ready to save the whales and all that. He's really ADD to, like one second we'll be making out, then the next he'll be like 'Oh hey, Ry, did you see that thing about that dog stuck in the sewer?' It's kind of annoying sometimes, but it's really cute too. And he's just... awesome. I wish I could be more like him. He's got plans, you know? He knows where he's going, and I'm still so lost. He's a musician-" Ryan stops for a second and continues, "He plays the piano so beautifully. One time when we were at his house when I was still sleeping, and he got out of bed and just started playing. I watched him from the bedroom. He still doesn't know that... That that was the moment I realized that it was more than just a game. He looked so beautiful curled over the keys. I just. I don't know."

"I thought you didn't like musicians."

"Yeah, well. I decided I needed to get over it. Just because my dad was one, doesn't mean I can't date people that play music."

"So, what happened exactly? The way you talk about him, and sounds like you really like him."

"I..." Ryan trails off. "I do. That's the problem. We were just fucking around mostly, and then he asked me on a date."

"Date?" Vicky asks. "What did you guys do?"

"We made dinner at my place. It was perfect. Like, it just feltright, you know? And I just... I'm incapable of having any sort of functioning relationship with anyone but Spencer. So after that night he tried to call me, but I didn't answer. I feel so bad."

"Wow. You're kind of an asshole," she informs him.

Ryan groans. "Don't I know it."

"I think you could have a real relationship if you worked hard enough."

"I don't feel good enough," Ryan admits. "I can't commit to someone. I can't load all of my troubles on him. He deserves better than that."

"I know that you feel like no one can love you, Ryan. I know this is because everyone in your life except for Spencer has left you. I understand that it can be difficult to trust someone that you haven't known your whole life because of everything you've been through. I feel like you really need to take a chance with this. It could be worth it. We're all looking for that someone who can accept us for all of our flaws and not judge us; someone who will willingly bear your burdens. This guy was with you for how long?"

"Like three months."

"Exactly. Ryan, don't let him go, or you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

"I don't know what to say to him. I don't deserve his forgiveness."

"Tell him how you feel, and everything will fall into place."

Ryan sighs. "I guess you're right. I have a lot to think about, but I will."

"Good," Vicky concludes.

The tape ends with a click, and Brendon pulls the headphones from his ears, unable to do anything else. His cheeks are wet with tears. He knows what he has to do.

* * * *

When Ryan's opens the door, his face goes from depressed to excited to guilty over the period of a second. He opens his mouth to say something, then decides against it and keeps it shut.

Vicky had been right; Ryan did look like shit. His hair was curly and fell messily into his eyes, his face probably could use a good shave, and his button-up shirt was left open with no accord. Dark crescents made a dark contrast to the molten color of his irises, and eyes were red, like he's been awake for days. But somehow, at the same time, he looked completely ravishing at the same time. That thought just explained how fucked in the head Brendon is at this point.

Brendon wastes no time, surging forward and pressing his lips to Ryan's while simultaneously twisting his fingers in his disheveled chestnut hair. He pulls away for a short moment, saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," then kissing his mouth again.

Ryan kisses back for a moment, nipping Brendon's full lower lip, but pulls away, asking, "Why? What do you have to be sorry about? This is all my-"

"I read your chart," Brendon cut him off, "and I listened to your tape from yesterday. I'm sorry. It was wrong, and I never should have invaded your privacy that way. I just... I had to know."

Frowning, Ryan is silent for a few seconds. "You... So you know? Everything?" he questions.

Silently nodding, Brendon bites his lip. "I had no right; I know that. But I couldn't help myself. It was killing me, you know? And after listening to it, I came straight here, because I had to talk to you. To tell you something important," he explains hurriedly. He needs to get it off his chest or he's going to burst.

"What is it?" Ryan replies, holding Brendon in with his smoldering gaze.

"I love you, okay? Even though you were an emotionally detached dick. And I think you kind of love me too. I know we're not perfect; we both have our issues. But I think you're kind of perfect for me, and I'm willing to take you as you are. I know it's so hard for you to trust people, but I know you need someone to rely on just like every one else. I want us to have a normal relationship like other people have and go on dates and hold hands. I can be there for you. Just, please. Don't throw me away," Brendon begs, looking up at Ryan with sad eyes.

"Brendon, I..." Ryan trails off, looking uncomfortable. He's struggling; Brendon can tell.

Brendon places a hand on Ryan's forearm. He thinks he knows what he's trying to tell him. "Go on. Say it," he urges.

"I love you too. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't deal with my feelings like a normal person. You deserve more than that," Ryan sighs.

Rolling his eyes, Brendon murmurs, "Shut up, you're perfect," and pulls Ryan to him by his shirt and presses his lips tightly to his. When he pulls away, he states, "Damn your breath stinks. Come on. Let's get you cleaned up." He brushes Ryan's hair from his face.

Ryan gives him a crooked smile. "Can we shower?"

"Whatever you want," Brendon grins, kissing him again and not caring that Ryan probably hasn't brushed his teeth for awhile.

Now that's love.

* * * *

"God fucking dammit! Why do we have to wear these stupid things!" Brendon groans, lifting up his gown to save himself from almost tripping and being decapitated.

Ryan rolls his eyes. "Just take it off. You graduated already; you don't need it anymore," he states.

It was true. Brendon was free. Free. No more school. No more having to get up at the ass crack of dawn. No more having to tear himself from Ryan every time he had to go to class. It felt good to have it all off of his chest, especially since he'd had to pull his grades up at the last minute. If it weren't for Ryan cracking down on him and forcing him to study, he probably wouldn't have succeeded the way he did.

Narrowing his eyes at him while they walk side by side, Brendon accuses, "Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" It's nearing sunset, the sky a dusty purple. The air is fairly warm and comfortable. It feels like home.

"If it means you not killing yourself because you keep trying to run in it? Yes. I'll never hear the end of it from Jon if you crack your head open on the pavement," Ryan tells him.

"Well it's nice to know it's because you couldn't bear to have anything bad happen to me," Brendon deadpans. "And Jon would so kick your ass." It was true. Jon loved him. Not more than Spencer, but that was besides the point. "Where did they take off to, anyway?" Brendon asks, referring to Jon and Spencer.

Shrugging, Ryan replies, "No clue. I just hope they aren't fucking in the bathroom like last time."

"Oh God," Brendon moans. "That was probably the nastiest thing I've ever seen in my entire life." It had become a battle: BrendonandRyan versus JonandSpencer. The fight? Over Ryan and Spencer's bathroom. Both couples liked their apartment better, and when it came to private bathroom time, the outcome was anything but pleasant. Last week, Jon had walked in because he needed to pee while Brendon was in the middle of giving Ryan a blow job. He hadn't stayed around to watch, needless to say. Yesterday was the day that Brendon had caught Spencer and Jon in the act, and he swears he's never been the same since.

"Oh, I know," Ryan shudders. "I didn't even see it, and I was traumatized."

Brendon hums. "Probably because I explained the entire scene in detail," he answers nonchalantly.

"Yeah, that might have something to do with it," Ryan mutters under his breath.

Laughing, Brendon looks at Ryan and steps forward, his foot catching on something. He feels himself falling, then his body jerk to a stop. He tilts his head up to see Ryan's displeased face. He had just caught and saved him from certain death (or a least from scraping up his hands).

"Will you take that off now?" Ryan demands impatiently, trying to cover how fast his heart is beating from the sudden rush of adrenaline. "I'd like to get you home in one piece."

Brendon purses his lips. "I would if you let go of me," he retorts.

Ryan unwraps his arms from Brendon's waist and purposely ignores his smug expression.

Unzipping the flimsy deep blue gown, Brendon shrugs out of it and folds it over his arm. "Thanks," he murmurs. Ryan knows what it's for; he doesn't need an explanation.

He replies by wordlessly wrapping an arm around Brendon's waist.

By the time they finally get home (Brendon had began thinking of it as that. Just because he basically lived there and all. Ryan even gave him his own drawer and everything.), he was ready to curl up with Ryan and Hobo and watch reruns of America's Next Top Model. He'd had to wait forever for his name to be called at the graduation ceremony (U isn't at the very end, but it's pretty close). He's just kind of drained.

When Ryan opens the door, the last thing he expects to see is all of his friends jumping up and yelling, "Surprise!"

"Holy shit!" Brendon exclaims, his weariness suddenly vanished as he walks in the door. There's streamers and balloons everywhere, accessorized by a huge 'Happy Graduation!' banner. He turns to Ryan. "Did you do this?!"

Ryan shrugs. "Everyone helped," he replies.

Brendon is still in shock. Ryan hadn't let on about any of this. "I can't believe you didn't tell me!"

"It was supposed to be a surprise!" Ryan returns.

"And I was surprised. Thank you, baby," Brendon coos, cupping Ryan's cheeks and pecking his lips.

He sees everyone rush to him at once. "Bren!" Bill exclaims, holding out a bottle of Coors Light. "Drink up! You've finally made it!"

"Thanks, man," Brendon grins, taking the beer in one hand and Ryan's hand in the other. "Hey Gabe," he greets the even taller male to Bill's right.

"Hey Brendon. Congrats on graduating. How does it feel?" Gabe questions.

"Amazing," Brendon admits. He likes Gabe. He and Bill have been dating basically right after Bill broke it off with Travis, and they compliment each other perfectly. Gabe is more goofy and laid back, while Bill is generally held together and serious.

Vicky interrupts. "Brendon!" she squeals, hugging him tightly. "I'm so happy for you!"

"Thanks, Vic," he smiles.

"So, I was going to wait until Monday, but what do you say to taking on patients of your own?" she asks.

Ryan squeezes his hand.

Brendon can't believe it. After months and months of pining after this job, it's finally right in front of him. "Really?!" he marvels.

Vicky nods, smiling as well.

"Yes!" he answers, throwing his arms around her. "You have no idea how bad I've been wanting this job!"

"You deserve it. You certainly have a way with patients," Vicky smirks, looking from Ryan and Brendon. They had told her the truth soon after they got back together. She really did deserve to know, because if it weren't for her, they probably wouldn't have met.

"Shut up," Brendon mumbles, wrapping an arm around Ryan's waist. "I couldn't resist."

Vicky winks and saunters away to talk to Bill.

Jon appears from seemingly nowhere and yells, "Yo, dude, you made it!"

"I know! It's some crazy shit," Brendon agrees.

Jon grins. "You did a good job, kid." He embraces him, and Brendon melts into his chest. Jon has always given the best hugs.

After they pull away, Spencer says, "Hey, congrats. Now you have more time to hang out with lame ass over there." He nods to Ryan.

Ryan raises a hand and flicks him off. "Not cool, dude."

Jon kisses Spencer's cheek. "You have such a way with words, dear."

"You weren't complaining last night, as I recall," Spencer retorts, raising an eyebrow.

"No fighting!" Brendon interjects. "This is about me, remember."

"Oh, I'm sorry, how insensitive of us," Jon deadpans, "We'll just take this to the bedroom." He grabs Spencer's wrist and tugs him in the direction of their room.

Brendon wrinkles his nose. "Gross."

"Ditto," Ryan agrees.

"Where's Hobo?" Brendon questions.

"I had Spencer put her in our room. You know how she is with crowds," Ryan answers.

"Just like her daddy," Brendon whispers, tilting Ryan's chin down with his thumb and forefinger and kissing him deeply.

"PDA!" someone shouts.

Ryan pulls away. "Hey. I, um..." he trails off awkwardly.

Brendon frowns, automatically fearing the worst. "What?" he asks.

"I just... I wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you. About the job and graduating and everything. You did a really good job," Ryan states. His soft honey eyes bore into Brendon's soul, it seems like, and he really just melts.

Brendon grins and pulls Ryan in for another kiss. It sounds like "I love you".