You Scream Obsessive

Austin's Point Of View

It's been two weeks since the boy I loved lay sprawled on the ground, a mess of crimson. But it's not like the pain has gone away. Or the nightmares, regrets, sights, sounds. Everything.

I'm at Hayden's house and have been for the long grueling period since he left the hospital. Don't get me wrong the fact that he's home and well again is great. Truthfully I thought I would be staring down at his beautiful corpse, I could image skimming my lips against his cold forehead before being dragged away kicking and screaming. But he survived, along with the secrets carved into the walls. He's oblivious to them though as he spoons cereal into his mouth, a childish nature for such an intellectual boy. I sit at the end of his bed, more like a stranger than his self absorbed, wreck of a boyfriend.

I feel like such a hypocrite. Every night I hold him, the contact of skin a constant memory of my hands groping away at Jessica's thighs. He never suspects a thing though as his head lays across my chest, his legs a tangled mess around mine. It's suffocating. He doesn't know this but when he falls asleep I shuffle from his embrace and lock myself away in the bathroom. The tiles are cold and harsh against my heated misery, I don't sleep, I just watch the gentle drip of the trap, with the occasional chew of my lip and droop of an eyelid.

"Austin, what's wrong?" Hayden asks as he lifts the spoon to his lips, milk dripping from it as it sploshes its the emptying bowl between his legs. He's incredibly happy to say a few weeks ago he had a giant hole in his stomach, a hole I could never patch up. I shuffle uncomfortably, my hands messing around with one of Hayden's cardigans burying me, it's cozy I suppose, kind of like a huge comfort blanket. It smells good too, it smells like the happy, untouched times.

"Nothing Hay, just eat your cereal," I force, I don't even look at him, the guilt would eat away at what's left. I stare down at the bedsheets, I have to stop myself from throwing up all over his immaculate room when I see Jess' smooth, tanned legs slipping over the covers. I chew down hard on my lip, the squeaks desperate to contaminate the already serious atmosphere. Hayden starts to tug at the covers no doubt there will be a pout on that perfectly, defined face of his. I feel the ripples in the quilt become more frequent as I continue to ignore him. Nice little tantrum he's get going there.

"Fucking hell Austin look at me!" I doesn't take a second for my head to shoot to his, a slap so hard across my face I thought my cheek would sting for the rest of my life. He looks so frustrated, his forehead creased and his lip trembling, I couldn't possibly understand what he's going through right now. I mean he's fucking traumatized and I'm shoving him away like he's not even existent, just an empty space in my life. The bowl of cereal sitting delicately on his lap is now a horrible mess sinking into the covers, random pieces of cereal stuck to his legs. If times were different we would be laughing like maniacs now, Hayden freaking out over his ruined bedsheets me in hysterics as I flicked the cereal from his legs as he squealed like a girl. Those times are over, we are different. I screwed my best friend.

"Don't swear Hay, I hate it when you swear," I mumble gently, he's going to love that. He frowns harder and my stomach twists that little more. Is this what vulnerability really feels like? Hayden is just staring at me, he has such beautiful eyes, I adore the way his eyelashes curl, strange but it's kind of fascinating to look at. He's folded his arms now, I have a lot of explaining to do.

"What's wrong with me? Do you hate me because of the scars I'm going to get? Or even better is it the fact that I'm not a whore you can screw because the last time I looked I didn't have prostitute stamped on my forehead," he hisses at me, viciously wiping his hand across his eyes to stop the tears from flowing. Is that what he really thinks? That I only want him for sex, meaningless sex! Oh gosh I didn't think that would hurt as much, my heart is hacked to pieces at this point, floating around in my empty chest.

"I had sex with Jess when I left the hospital. It was a huge mistake, that's why I can't even look at you anymore." I admit, tears already ripping down my cheeks like razorblades when Hayden's hand comes hurtling across my face. I deserved that, I deserve everything I get. It only takes one glance at Hayden for the realization to drown me, he's crying, his beautiful face swamped with sorrow I caused. I reach out my hand to comfort him but he slaps it away, his whole body convulsing from the sobs deep inside his chest.

"Why did you let me love you? Why did you let me run away from home and get stabbed?! I can't believe you, after everything you go behind my back when I needed you the most. Get out Austin, get the hell out of my house and get the hell out of my life. I never want to see you again!" He screams at me, his fists hurtling into my chest, I don't feel anything though as Hayden beats me, his tears dripping onto his pounding hands.

"Hayden please, just give me a second chance! I love you so fucking much, I'm actually nothing without you! Come on Hay we all make mistakes! I might as well be dead without you, I mean your the only family I have and I have these huge visions of us together, with kids and a cottage with fancy bedsheets. We could have a life together, it would be perfect." I manage to sob to him, I throw my arm's around him, tears trickling upon his smooth, bare shoulders. I can't do life on my own, not anymore anyways. The streets are thick with regret, the Alcohol poisoning my system too toxic, the smoke from the end of my cigarette clogging up my memory with only the guilt thrust upon me. Hayden makes me a better person, someone who isn't going to be face down in the gutter surround by a pool of his own vomit. I need Hayden, what am I going to do without him?

"Austin go away, let me go back to life I so peacefully lived before you turned up and put me in shit! If you might as well be dead without me then go die because there is nothing that will make me forgive you, nothing," he hisses, with one last final push I'm off the bed, my chest exposed to the bullets Hayden is firing at me. I run though, down his polished wooden stairs and out of his sparkling white door. My brain is oozing from my ears, my heart a wrinkled mess around my ankles, it's not like I can focus on anything but him.

I guess that's why I ran into a car, obsessions really do the craziest things to us.