Status: ACTIVE.
I Won't Call This Hell
i thought i had it all, but i gave it away
It was an odd feeling. I didn't want John to leave my side for too long of a time. I shouldn't want that. I shouldn't want to be near him at all. I shouldn't have told him about my life, uttering a few secrets that even Sophie knew nothing about. I shouldn't have, but I did.
I was breaking down. My defenses were crumbling. I was returning his text messages within the hour I received them, instead of holding back my response as long as possible. I wasn't giving one word answers over the phone, and I wasn't teasing him or groaning in disgust at ever sweet thing he said.
I was falling in a hole, and I needed to crawl back out. I needed to become Lynnette the hard-ass again, before it was too late. I felt like I was sinking. The bottom of this hole was wet with mud, and the more I struggled to free myself, the harder the task would become.
It wasn't even my whole fault, either. It was John's. The blame, it always came back to John. He was acting differently. Either acting out or acting himself, I don't know. It was sweet, though. His smirks seemed to turn into tender smiles. His words were no longer cocky as they left his mouth, and his voice was pleasant to my ears. I was in too deep. In such a short time, I was in too deep.
My own personal hell. A place where I fought with myself.
I shouldn't mess with John. He is a kind boy, with dreams and goals that he could reach. I shouldn't set him up for a letdown. He would get over me, finding a nicer, better looking girl who was more than ready to hold his hand and kiss his face.
What about me, though? I'm not a horrible person, not entirely. I'm strict, and stubborn. I've always had my mind set, with rigid determination. I'm also easy going, when it comes to the right people. Anyone could be a right person. Why not John? Why couldn't I forget about my rules, if only for a while, and let a cute and semi-sweet smart ass hold me in his arms? 'Cause that would only hurt one of us in the end- and when I say 'one of us'- I mean him.
I just can't make up my mind. I can't break my own rules. I can't get out of this burning pit of doom.
I was breaking down. My defenses were crumbling. I was returning his text messages within the hour I received them, instead of holding back my response as long as possible. I wasn't giving one word answers over the phone, and I wasn't teasing him or groaning in disgust at ever sweet thing he said.
I was falling in a hole, and I needed to crawl back out. I needed to become Lynnette the hard-ass again, before it was too late. I felt like I was sinking. The bottom of this hole was wet with mud, and the more I struggled to free myself, the harder the task would become.
It wasn't even my whole fault, either. It was John's. The blame, it always came back to John. He was acting differently. Either acting out or acting himself, I don't know. It was sweet, though. His smirks seemed to turn into tender smiles. His words were no longer cocky as they left his mouth, and his voice was pleasant to my ears. I was in too deep. In such a short time, I was in too deep.
My own personal hell. A place where I fought with myself.
I shouldn't mess with John. He is a kind boy, with dreams and goals that he could reach. I shouldn't set him up for a letdown. He would get over me, finding a nicer, better looking girl who was more than ready to hold his hand and kiss his face.
What about me, though? I'm not a horrible person, not entirely. I'm strict, and stubborn. I've always had my mind set, with rigid determination. I'm also easy going, when it comes to the right people. Anyone could be a right person. Why not John? Why couldn't I forget about my rules, if only for a while, and let a cute and semi-sweet smart ass hold me in his arms? 'Cause that would only hurt one of us in the end- and when I say 'one of us'- I mean him.
I just can't make up my mind. I can't break my own rules. I can't get out of this burning pit of doom.
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