I Won't Call This Hell

I didn't want to come right out and say it. I didn't want to sound the way I felt, like a confused and overbearing girlfriend. I didn't want to say "Why didn't you tell me about this?" but that was the only thing that was coming to my mind.

John was messing with his phone, pressing buttons and sending quick messages as we sat together. It was quiet. I was wrapped up in my own thoughts.

"So you're going on Warped?" I asked. I was circling around the subject; putting my toe in the water before maybe jumping in.

"Yea, we should be leaving sometime next week or so." He didn't look up from his phone.

"Why didn't you, um, say anything about it?" He continued to mess with his phone. "John?"

"Wh-what? It just didn't come up."

"What do you mean it didn't come up? You didn't bring it up."

"Why is this so god damn important, Lynn? I'm trying to do something. I have somewhere to be and I've got to make sure I have all my shit together."

"What if someone else had told me? Pat? Kennedy? It would be just like it is right now, John. Me questioning you. Why were you more ready to tell my father about you leaving than me? Did you not think I would notice the absence of my own boyfriend for three months?"

I clenched my hands together, digging my nails into my palms. Shut up, Lynnette. You're making a fool of yourself. You're letting your guard down too much, its too low. Pull it back up while you still have time.

"I've got to go." John stood, and then bent to kiss my cheek.

"Were you even planning on telling me?" Damn it. Damn my mouth, my heart. I pulled my head back away from him, watching his face. I saw nothing. I didn't see John. I saw a guard, much stronger than mine.

"I've got to go." He kissed my forehead, before leaving.

Damn my mouth. Damn my heart. Damn my dwindling strength, and damn the anger that was swelling under my skin.