I Won't Call This Hell

The only thing I wanted was for someone to tell me what was wrong with John. Someone to talk to me and help me work out what could be going on in his head. Only I wasn't the only person trying to make sense of John's attitude and actions.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Lynn?"

"Yea. Who is this?"

"Pat."
"Garret."
"Jared."

"Oh, um, hey. What's up with the group phone call?"

"It's about John."

"Okay.."

I listened to them, each one, tell me about how weird their lead singer and friend was acting. Then the last question: did it have to do with the dinner, when it first started?

"The dinner went well, though. For him, at least. I was just upset because he didn't tell me about the tour, and I don't think he was going to tell me. Like, at all. He was fine, you know, maybe a little concerned but not like this.. not until the next time I saw him. I just don't know."

Neither did they. Not yet.

**

It was the same diner. A different waitress. A completely different atmosphere.

"I'll have some lemonade," I told the young girl, watching her jot that down before turning to John.

"Um, I just want some water." She nodded, scribbling that down, "Wait! No, I want a Coke instead.. Never mind. I'll just have a water." She scratched the Coke out, and I looked to John to see if he was just messing with the girl. I was more than ready to put a dent in his shin if he was. He was opening his mouth again, probably to take that order back too-

"Just get him a coke and a water," I said. The girl smiled at us both, before walking away quickly. I couldn't blame her.

"What is up with you?" I asked, once she brought us our drinks, only to flee again. He moved his cups where they sat beside each other, rims touching. I reached for his hand, and his fingers wrapped around mine. He didn't look up or answer me.

"What's been wrong with you lately? Why was that such a problem?"

"I didn't want to get it wrong, Lynn. I didn't want to order water, and then crave a caffeine fix. Or vice versa."

"You know that you can have both, though."

"No, I can't." He looked up now. I felt uncomfortable as he looked at me. I blinked.

"What do you mean? Of course you can!"

"Okay, I can, but.. what if it wasn't about water? What if that girl had asked me for my number while we both sat here? I couldn't have both of you, now could I?"

"John, that girl has got to be sixteen. That's just not right."

"That's not what I mean, Lynn! I just mean.. if she had done that, or if any girl had, would I give them my number? Or take theirs? Why would I do it? I have a girlfriend. Why would I throw that away.."

I blinked quickly. One, two. I didn't know what was going on, but my neck felt warm. My face was flushed. This wasn't right.

"I want what is best. I want what I want, and so does everyone else in the damn world. I want to live life, and I don't want to hold anyone back from living theirs. Like you. I don't want you to feel tied down because I'm on Warped. I don't want you to have to sit here and go to class and hang out with Sophie, but still have to wait for me to come back."

"Do you get it, now?" He talked slower than before, quieter.

"Yea," I heard myself say, a loud echo in my own head. "I get it. I get all of it." I didn't realize he had let go of my hand, or pulled a twenty from his wallet and dropped it by his two full cups.

"Take care," he murmured, bending to kiss my warm cheek.

I knew he was gone, and I understood now. I understood it all. John. Lynn. The flush on my cheeks. I understood it, though I had never felt it before.

I closed my eyes, watching the dark that lay behind my lids. My eyes swam, searching through the darkness of my guilt.