I Won't Call This Hell

I couldn't help but stare at him.

He looked so, so.. different. The same. I mean, he was still John. He was still tall and thin and handsome like he'd been when I'd seen him last, but his expression was not familiar. It wasn't a common face, nothing I'd seen on him before, not even the way he'd looked when he'd hurt me in the diner on the afternoon he broke up with me.

Hurt. Broken up. Remorseful.

This was how I looked.

Hurt and broken, from the day he'd left. Remorseful for being stupid and letting him go, not letting him know what I had let him know today.

Today, I let him know that when I said no the first million times, I was watching my back. When I refused to go places with him, I was being careful. When I tried my damned hardest not to let our relationship get too intense, I was protecting myself.

None of the other guys in my life, the exes and the ones who begged but never got too far, they weren't like John. They didn't try hard enough. They didn't force me to forget about my feelings for a second, for one monstrous second, and just feel. They let me think about tomorrow, two weeks from now, months later, but John didn't. John made me think about now. That was all. Now.

Like now, right now.

"What... what were you thinking?"

My body reacted to the sound of his voice. I sat up straighter, slightly, leaned forward, automatically.

"No. What were you thinking?"

John's head snapped down to stare at his lap. He shook his head slightly, looking up at me.

"I know what I was thinking back then. I knew exactly what I was doing. I'm sorry, Lynn."

There it was again. An apology. His apology. For some reason, this made me mad, irate. "Quit fucking apologizing, okay? Just fucking stop. I'm not asking you to make me feel better, I'm asking you to tell me the truth. That hasn't been hard for you before? So, tell me, why is it now?"

Like my body's reaction to John, these words came out automatically. I hadn't been mad this whole time, not once since our breakup, but now I was... and it felt good. It felt right, normal, natural. Maybe now, I was accepting this. Like Sophie said. Great, you know, great fucking timing. I accept all of this now, when he's sitting beside me, all of him.

I stared across at him. He was watching me, mouth slightly open.

"Fine," he said, nodding his head. He stood up, walking around to the foot of my bed, grabbing at his hair, turning to me fast. "I'll tell you."

"I didn't know what to do when I found out we got our slot at Warped this year. We were all so fucking happy. I was just thinking, this is so awesome. I feel so blessed right now. I'm living in a great place, I have the best job that allows me to what I love and travel the country, I have the best family and friend and the prettiest, sweetest, funniest pain in the ass as a girlfriend."

I looked toward the ceiling, biting my lip not to say anything. This is what I asked for. John chuckled, launching back into it. " A few weeks had gone by since we found out. I mentioned it to you; you were excited for me, you know, but that was it. There was something there, you know, the way you always are. Don't roll your eyes like that, Lynn. You know how you are, oh yes you do! I got worried.

"When we hung out, you were closer. At first, I was happy about it. Then, I realized, maybe she's just doing this because we're almost done. Maybe she's doing this because she wants me to have something to remember her by when she breaks up with me; she wants me to have all these sweet memories. I thought about it more, but that didn't sound like you! No, no, it didn't. You don't give a fuck about what I have after we're through, you really don't. You haven't for any other guy, right, so why would it start with me?

"So, I thought about it more. I thought so much; I thought until I felt like my brain was numb. I liked you, a lot, but I didn't want to be dumped. Not when I had been the one to do the work to keep us together, to get us together. I know it was odd.. didn't seem right; I had to seem like I was on drugs or something because why would I have worked so hard to just throw you away? I mean, fuck. I liked you a lot. I really did. I really... So I called it off. I didn't think it would affect you like this. Well, no. I didn't think it would affect you at all. I thought I was just another boy, another lucky kid who got a shot, but they all get shots don't they? If they don't get shot down."

He looked like he had more to say. He looked like he was ready to spill his lungs out on the floor. But all he did was sit back down in his chair.

"That was... fair." I said. I waited a few seconds, letting this settle between us, bury itself in my brain. "Fair enough. I'll tell you the truth, then, too. I guess. Once upon a time, I did want you to break up with me. I just wish you would quit trying and call it off. Well, in reality, I wanted to be the one to call it off. All things considered. But you never did, for the longest time. I worried about it. I didn't want to get close, didn't want to hurt you like the others. I know that sounds horrible of me, but they've all been the same and that's the only result I've ever gotten. But you're not like the others. You're persistent, and sweet, and know when to tell me off and when to let me cool down, how to make me happy, how to make me mad. I wasn't faking shit in the end. I figured you weren't going to give up anytime soon, and hey, I liked it. I liked you.

"After you broke up with me, it wasn't the same. Nope, you just kept proving that you weren't like the other guys, even after you were gone. I dropped out of school, I couldn't keep my grades up, got into a huge argument with my parents, my best friend. I spent about a week doing nothing, laying in bed. I sound so pitiful, because I was. I am. Damn it, John, you broke my fucking heart. And I didn't even see it coming. I had been planning... and I didn't even see it coming."