I Won't Call This Hell

Neither of us know the roads we're walking to get back to the Warped site, but even together we don't have enough cash for a taxi and it's nice out. It's less awkward than riding the city bus, where people stare and make assumptions, and here, together, a few feet apart, we can talk. Or not.

The GPS on John's phone isn't doing us much good it seems as it takes us through some shady back alleys and crowded streets, until finally, we can see the site a few blocks away. All this time, we haven't said much, only a word or two every few minutes concerning our predicament. We haven't even argued much about what a crappy place we've been in.

We end up at the back entrance where I was earlier, and the same tall man is standing there.

"Hey honey," he called to me as John and I came closer. I try to smile at him, but the result isn't much. "You're looking kinda rough there. Did you get to do whatever was so important?"

"Yeah," I tell him, and we stop walking. I nod toward John, looking up at the man. "I had a few things to tell him, is all."

"Well, it must have been important."

Wordlessly, John pulls my drawing from his pocket and hands it to the man. "This is nice," the security man says, nodding me in praise. "No offense, honey, but.. I'm sure he gets plenty drawings and such. I see tons of girls come in with stuff like that."

I don't take this to heart, I just smile. "Well, you see. Girls like that.. they have to look at pictures they've taken.. or that other people have taken. I know there are only a handful of girls who have seen this face here, because it's not what this guy looks like here, no.." I look up at John, tug on his shoulder slightly to bring his face down to mine. "This is from my head. I don't need pictures to remember this face. This is the face that made me fall for him, all in all." I realize I'm not talking to the guard much, anymore. I'm aware of John and I, that's it, staring at one another. "This is the face that told me he wasn't lying, not once, as he leaned into kiss me. This was the face that haunted me. Because I could only imagine what lies mine told in the same instance."

I looked at John, and I knew that I wanted to kiss him. He was making that face, honest. He wanted to kiss me, too. Or so I hoped. I dropped his arm, turning back to the man, smiling somewhat.

"I got the job done."

"Looks like it," the man said. "Take care, honey."

I look toward John, waiting for him to start walking, but he's busy folding the paper up carefully. I start walking without him.

"Hey," John grabs my wrist as he runs up to me. We're right behind the van now, and we can hear chaos inside. "When we go in there..."

"I'm scared, John." I whisper.

"What?" John's head whipped back some, he took a step closer to me.

"I'm scared. I mean, these people are some of the only friends I have.. I've ignored them so much this summer. I don't blame you, but it's because of you.. you know, I didn't want to hear you on the other side of the line or anything. I don't know what's going to happen between us, but I don't want to lose them. They're almost all I have. I mean, Sophie doesn't even know I'm here.."

"Lynnette," John reaches out, hands planted on my shoulders. He's done this before, when I used to get stressed and rant. "They've missed you all summer, just like they've missed their parents. All of their friends are here, except you. They're just like you right now."

"Are you sure?" I say, my breath slow, because I'm trying to calm down. That and, well, John and I are as close as we've been all summer, even more so than earlier, because now, we're done confessing. At least he is.

I'm looking at John and his breath is blowing into my face and slowly I recognize that face. Inching closer, and he's trying not to, but I'm not letting this get away from me. I don't know when this will happen again.

So, before I face my friends, before I let my arms wrap around John's neck, before I kiss him for a long time, I whisper one last confession.

"You never compared to the others, not even for a second."

Then, he kissed me, and I kissed him, and like every other kiss we've had, it was different from the one before.