Sacred

I was surprised to see him on the bus going to my school. Barren Seether. The guy from last night and in my dreams. He looked so listless and sleepy, like had pulled an all nighter. What did he have to do all night? What am I saying? He probably has a boyfriend or girlfriends or something. He might not even be gay. He could’ve just been playing with me.

The bus driver glared at me, so I took a chance and went to sit with him.

“Can I sit here?” He looked up quickly, surprised and blushed. “I’ll take that as a yes.” I picked up his black, red, and white skull back pack and put it in my lap when I sat down. It looked pretty expensive too. “I like it.” I could’ve hit myself. Around him I couldn’t seem to keep my thoughts in my head. His hair was dripping wet and clung to his face. A totally different look from yesterday but still so cute. Ren looked at me with a question mark on his face. I reached out and fingered a lock of his hair. He flushed a lovely pink. I love how the blood pools behind his skin. He turned away from me and leaned his head against the window. I watch him for awhile and somehow he fell asleep against the vibrating glass.

My wandered to last night. When I had gotten home, my mother was sitting at the kitchen table in a better mood. She was wrapped in a red fleece blanket, warming her hands around a steaming cup of black coffee. That’s the only way she drinks it. She looked like crap with her hair flying in frizzy disarray, eyes drawn in and bags gathering under her eyes. People used to call her a rare beauty before she met my dad. It’s not that she lost it, she just didn’t carry it anymore. You don’t think a good breed of dog, beaten to submission, bloody, and chained is pretty. Unless you’re some psychotic creep. You just think, oh how sad and move on with your sorry life. She looked up at me sadly.

“Still thinking about him.”

“Yeah. I just wish I had left him sooner. As soon as I found out.”

“You did the best you could. It’s a wonder we were able to leave this time.” We had tried before. It didn’t turn out so well as this time. At least we’re alive.

“Oh, baby, if I had left in the beginning, you never would have been hurt.” Her eyes filled up with tears.

“I wouldn’t have been born. Don’t beat yourself up about it. He did enough of that.” I went to her and gave her a hug. She gave me a squeeze and picked up her blue mug for a deep sip.

“So... what did you do? You came back early.” She asked warily. I sighed.

“I went and got a drink.” She knew what I meant, “and met this guy, Barren Seether. Real nice, but I doubt I’ll see him again.”
“Barren? What a strange name.” She looked so relieved I could’ve laughed. She didn’t know the half of it.
“You’re one to talk, Idalis...” She laughed, the expression lighting up her face.

I let my mind drift back to the present. Barren slept quietly beside me, so sweet and innocent. I leaned over and kissed his neck softly, tracing his jaw with my nose. He inhaled sharply and gave out a strangled yelp, his long lashed lids fluttering open.

“What are you doing?” His voice was like rough velvet and every thought flew out of my head.

“Waking you up. Its payback for last night.” I moved down his neck murmuring, improvising. He shuddered against my lips. I could smell the fresh scent of soap and his own sweet personal scent.

“You started it. Maybe I don’t like you. Maybe I have a-” He laid his head back against the seat.

“Regardless.” I interrupted. I didn’t want him to say it. It didn’t want it to be true. Not when he had kissed me last night. “If you didn’t like me, you would stop me from doing this.” I had to know. If he didn’t, at least I got to kiss him one more time... I shoved his backpack away.

“Wh-” He started to ask and I kissed him hard. Had we only kissed twice before? I stroked his face, wanting him to open his mouth to me and was surprised to taste syrup and pancakes. I leaned in closer but the bus seat was too awkward to roll on top of him. Fuck his reputation. Fuck those stupid girls. Not literally. I would rather... He was kissing me back, pushing his tongue against mine, his hands knotting in my hair. And then he froze. Something changed and Ren pushed me away.

“Hey, are you alright? I’m sorry, that was dumb. I don’t even know you and I’ve already kissed you three times.” I sucked in air and laid back against the seat, closing my eyes. When I opened them again, he was smiling awkwardly at me.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” His eyes looked past me, probably at that brown haired girl across from us. He winced and furrowed his eyebrows.

“Did I hurt you?” His face became smooth and unreadable under my stare and his eyes looked down at his hands for a second. Red liquid oozed between fingers clenched in his lap.

“Oh my fucking god! I’m such a dickhead. I’m sorry.” What have I done? I didn’t even stop to think. How could I be so selfish? I pried open his white knuckled fists and pulled off my jacket to clean up the blood.

“You’ll mess up your jacket.” He whispered. I shrugged.

“I don’t care. It’ll make it more interesting anyways.” I’ll wear it as a reminder of my selfishness.

“It’s not your fault. I’m just messed up.” He pulled his hands away and wiped at his face avoiding my gaze. Blood stained the wrist of his shirt.

“It is my fault. If I had just left you alone, you wouldn’t be hurting yourself. Look at me, Ren.” He slowly turned and his beautiful eyes reluctantly met mine. “I want to start over. Hi, my name is Fai. Want to be friends?” That got a tiny smile out of him.

“Yeah.” He croaked in agreement. I raised my hand to touch his face, but he looked like he was about to cry. I’m such a monster.

“You know what? It’s all your fault for looking so goddamn innocent and beautiful.” There I go again, babbling. I licked my lips and looked to the front of the bus. The school was coming up. A nice enough looking school. The bus stopped and the doors creaked open. As soon as I got off the first thing I noticed was the sign.
CHARLES HA REM. I laughed at the thought of going to a harem to learn. Ren laughed softly behind me. I turned around and he tripped, falling into my arms.

“Hey, you look a little pale. You okay?” He did. He looked extremely sick and pale. Oh, God!

“Ugh, I feel like I’m going to throw up.” He moaned.

“Let go of him, you fag! Can’t you take a hint? He doesn’t even like you.” The stupid girl from the seat next to us came screaming at me. Wow, obsessed much?

“Frankly, I don’t care what he or you think, because right now he’s sick.” I snarled at her. She flinched at my tone of voice. “We’ll call you when we need someone to cleanup the puke.” I called over my shoulder and quickly dragged Ren to the closest bathroom I could find.

“Just go. They’ll be expecting you to show at least our first day.” Those words pierced at my heart. He didn’t want me. Maybe I was wrong.

“Okay.” I whispered and with on last glance at him gripping the sink like it was the last thing holding him here, I left. She stood there, arms crossed, outside the bathroom. When she saw my face, she smiled triumphantly.

“I told you. Get in line, fag.” She sneered. What is with everyone calling me a fag? I narrowed my eyes and rammed my fist into her face. She came up slowly, clutching her face and gaping at me. Ha, the stupid bitch wasn’t flipping her stupid brown hair now. I hunched over and trudged off to Pre-Calculus.

Thank God, they were doing reviews and preparing for a test. That gave me three free days. When I came in, the teacher didn’t even introduce me. Good. I sat back in the corner near the window and avoided everyone’s stares. I was starting to stand out in this school already. There weren’t many people with imaginations. They all seemed to follow the trend of Aeropostale, American Eagle, and whatever else the majority of teens in Chelsea, Massachusetts like. My black nails, silver studded dog collar, and black eyeliner probably scared them. Not to mention all my piercings. I can tell you what they were all thinking. What a freak!

Everyone probably heard about what happened on the bus by now and knew that I was gay. Okay, bisexual. I think... I only like ONE guy. It’s not like I think the football player in the front row is hot or something. He does have some sexy biceps though, just kidding. I THINK he’s one of those guys that every girl dreams to go out with. I know for sure that Barren is. Last night was all the proof I needed. No, the fact that he has a dick doesn’t turn me on in the least. There’s something else about him... besides the fact that he’s totally hot.

“Okay, class, the chapter review is due and will be graded tomorrow.” Ms. What’s-Her-Face said and the bell rang. I shot of my chair, ready to run for the bathroom. I had to know if he was alright.

“Mr. Dremmen. I’d like to speak with you.” I reluctantly walked towards the math teacher. “Tomorrow I want you to take a test to show your progress, so study up.” I groaned inwardly and nodded.

I rushed into the bathroom and came face to face with Ren. We both flinched and yelped at the same time.

“Are you okay?” I couldn’t understand why his grey eyes looked so sad. He looked away and said, “Yeah, I’m fine.” His voice was short and indifferent. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m not going to lie to you anymore... or me. We can’t be together.” Ren looked back at me and his eyes were cruel and black. Can’t? My heart rose into my mouth.

“We can still be friends, right?” I hated how my voice came out weak, almost begging. He sighed patiently.

“No. I should’ve been clear from the beginning. I apologize. Maybe we could’ve avoided this.” I knew it. I just didn’t want to. “I can’t stand you. Stay away from me.” And that’s when I knew that I loved him. Each word stabbed into my heart, ripping it to shreds. Barren brushed past me. My legs gave out; I fell to my hands and knees.

“It’s better this way.” Ren whispered and he was gone. He’s right. What is love anyways, but a weapon to use against you? I should know. Love and happy endings only happen in fairytales. Welcome to the real world, Fai. I can’t help but feel drawn to him like the moon pulls the tide. No! I can’t let this stranger rule my life. I came here to make something of myself after that nightmare in New York.