Two Worlds Collide

6-21-09
I don’t know why but I can’t sleep. I keep crying. I am trying to stay as quiet as possible because it is at least two in the morning and I don’t want to wake anyone else up again (I woke up Allie but she went back to sleep) luckly, Nick snores like an old person so my sobs are quieter than his snore.

I feel scared again. Nick said that talking about my feelings could help but it doesn’t I am still terrified of going long distances in a car (or bus) at night. I would rather be in a plane. When my parents were alive I was able to talk to my mom if I were every worried about something, but being that she is gone… they are gone, I don’t have my favorite person to tell all my feelings to. Yeah, Nick, Allie, and Kevin are here but still it’s not the same… it will never be the same.

I’m tired of crying. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being alone. I can’t take this. It’s too much…

I want my parents back… I want my life back… or no life at all.

-Jazmin…

I put my journal in the pocket on the wall next to my bunk. This bus is getting awfully annoying. I am in the middle of the two bunks, Allie is under me and Lauren is over me. Across from us is, Frankie on the bottom, Nick over him, and Joe is on the top (they played rock paper scissors for the top, Nick loss). Kevin is over Danielle and across from them are Mr. and Mrs. J. There are ten people on this bus (two sets of triple bunks and two sets of double).

I laid down and faced the wall. My bear is the only thing I have to remember my parents. I have pictures but I can’t bring myself to look at them. Every time I do I cry. I mean all the pictures I have are of me and my parents smiling and having the time of our lives. That can never happen again... ever. I might not show it often but I am always hurting inside and no matter how many times Nick says he loves me and that he is there for me... I always feel alone.

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. The only thing is that every time I closed my eyes I keep thinking about sitting there at the funeral, staring at my cold, dead, parents in their cramped caskets. People say that no parent should have to bury their child. Well no 14 year old should have to bury their parents.

I couldn’t sleep my pillow was becoming too wet and I was shaking way to hard. Someone placed their hand on my arm interrupting my thoughts, “Jazmin?”

I rolled over and waited for my eyes to adjust to the low light, “Kevin?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Are you ok?”

“I’m fine.”

“Jazmin you are shaking, your voice sounds unsteady like you are crying, and you are warm. I know you are crying and don’t tell me your not. You face it shining,” Kevin said quietly trying not to wake everyone else, “Do you want to go in the back and talk about it?”

“No.”

“You are coming anyway,” Kevin said sternly has he pulled me off my bunk and started to carry me to the back of the bus where the lounge was.

“Wait Kevin I need my bear.”

Kevin stopped walking and grabbed my bear off my bunk, “Here.”

“Thank you.”

Kevin continued to the back of the bus. Once we got to the back Kevin closed the door and turned on the lights. He laid me down on the couch and he sat on the floor in front of me, “Talk when you are ready.”

“Nope you can start.”

Kevin took a deep breath, “I want you to honestly tell me everything. Now why were you awake at,” Kevin looked at his watch, “3:38?”

“I can ask that same question to you.”

“I went to the bathroom, your reason is…?”

I sighed and pulled my bear close to my chest and let out a sigh, “I couldn’t sleep,” I spoke quietly.

“And why was that?”

“Because I was crying.”

“And why were you crying?” I wished Kevin would stop with the questions. It's like people don't understand that I don’t enjoy discussing my feelings or what I am thinking.

“I don’t know.”

“Ok what were you feeling while you were crying?”

“Scared, alone, upset, angry, annoyed, worried…” I continued my list as I buried my face into my bear. Finally I pulled my face away from my tear-drenched bear, “Kev have you ever wanted to die?”

Kevin sat me up and pulled me into a very much-needed hug, “Jazmin don’t say that.”

I just cried into his shirt, “Kevin I don’t want to live anymore. I’m tired of everything. I hate acting like everything is fine when it isn’t. I hate having to go through this in the public eye because I am going out with Nick. Have you noticed that I get more publicity than Allie and Frankie combined because of him? I love him but it is so much to handle.”

“Jazmin stop saying that,” Kevin whispered as rubbed my back in soft circles, “I know this is hard for you we can all see it in your eyes. I’m not going to say I know what you are going through because I don’t but I want to help you anyway possible. Nick doesn’t have to know because I think that is the reason why you aren’t talking. Nick is actually the only one you would be able to relate to. You know once we found out that he had diabetes he said the same thing. He questioned everything from life to the power of God, but once he let everyone help him and stopped bottling up his feelings, everything got better. All I am saying is that you should really talk and I mean talk, actually if you write them that would help just as much. I noticed that you don’t write as much anymore.”

“Kevin you don’t get it. I don’t want to think about them at all, but everything I do and everywhere I go something reminds me of them. I want to move on, I want to have things like they were before all this happened. I’m tired of being scared of everything. I can lie to myself and the world all I want, but I am scared. Every time we get on the highway I have to go to sleep or I will cry. When we drive at night I have to have a light or I feel like we are going to be in a car accident and die. Kevin if I were to just die I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this. I wouldn’t have to deal with the lies and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. I would be gone.”

Kevin pulled me tighter, “You know your parents wouldn’t want you thinking about things like this. It’s not going to make anything any better.”

I pulled back from Kevin and wiped my tears, “Kevin I really can’t take it anymore… I can’t.”

Not even Nick could help.