You're the Direction I Follow

I felt horrible; like I was the worst big brother in the entire universe. I had never been so jealous of Nick in my whole life – probably because I don’t think I had ever loved anyone as much Mackenzie in my whole life. But that only made me feel worse, loving her when I knew she was happy with Nick. They seemed so content with each other, and Nick had even told me that the past couple weeks with Mackenzie had been blissful.

It was hard walking around the house, now that Mackenzie was here, laughing and having fun with Nick almost eighty percent of the time. Every time I saw them together, ever since I saw them kiss, all I felt was a stabbing pain of envy. But it also pained me to know that now Mackenzie was in a relationship with Nick, she would never look my way. There was always a voice in the back of my head saying that it should be me, not Nick – that Mackenzie should’ve come to me when Nick rejected her when we were younger. But thinking about that made me feel bad. Which takes us back to the worst big brother in the entire universe.

I tried as much as possible to avoid Mackenzie, but for Nick it was harder; but that was expected, seeing as he was my brother.

Humming to myself, I walked into the living room, hoping that there was something good to watch on TV, so that I could distract myself from thinking about Mackenzie. I had just settled on the couch when the doorbell rang.

“I got it!” I yelled, getting up and running to the door. “Oh, hey Mackenzie.”

My heart started beating faster at the sight of her – she was breathtakingly beautiful, even in sweatpants and a t-shirt. I sighed, cursing silently as an image of Nick entered my mind, and a fresh wave of guilt and jealousy washed over me.

Her cheeks tinted a faint color of pink as she looked away. “Oh, uh, hey, Joe. I was just wondering if, uh – well do you know if – duh, of course you know, I just –“

“Kenz, you don’t have to be nervous. It’s me,” I reassured her, laughing slightly as I leaned against the doorframe, crossing my arms over each other.

“I know,” she sighed, “But it’s just like – awkward. I just – God, okay, I know this is gonna sound really weird, but I just feel like you’ve been avoiding me, or something. And I really don’t know what I did wrong, so it’s just all… Weird. But whatever it is, I’m sorry.”

I stared at her. This girl was so amazing; it was my fault that I had been evading her for no reason, and yet she finds a way to turn it around and apologize. This was one of the reasons I loved her – she was a celebrity, yet she didn’t let the fame get to her head. She was so down to earth, so humble.

“Kenz, don’t even worry about it. It’s just – it’s really stupid.”

She smiled lightly. “So I didn’t do anything wrong?”

“You did absolutely nothing wrong,” I confirmed, grinning.

“Cool,” she said, “Cause I was like, ‘Wow Joe hates me for no apparent reason. This sucks.’”

“Trust me Mackenzie,” I laughed slightly at the irony, “I could never hate you.”

“Psh, you better not, Jonas,” she smirked. “Anyways, is Nick here?”

I bit my lip, my heart breaking in two – of course she would be here for Nick. “Actually, he went somewhere with Frankie. It was like their day together, or something.”

“Oh, I see. Well then, I guess if he’s not here, then I can go –“

“No, stay,” I said quickly. “I mean, uh. Please stay? We need to catch up.”

She paused for a moment, flicking her eyes upwards to show that she was thinking about it. “Alright.”

[&&&]

“Joe, I’m mad at you,” Mackenzie told me, as I re-entered the living room with drinks. I looked up at her to see that her arms were crossed over her chest and her eyes were narrowed in faux-anger.

I laughed. “What did I do?”

“We’ve been talking for like two and a half hours! And you didn’t tell me! I wasn’t supposed to be here that long.”

“Oh no,” I dramatized, putting a hand over my heart, once I had set the drinks down on the coffee table. “Whatever shall I do? Oh Mackenzie, your honor, please! I beg for your forgiveness! Whatever can I do to win your trust back?”

Her melodious laugh filled the air, making the corners of my lips twitch up in a smile. She was right – we had been talking for a long time. But I hadn’t noticed until Mackenzie notified me. Conversation came so easily between us, and it felt so – right. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I loved her, even though I knew she was with Nick. But I couldn’t focus on how guilty I felt; all I could think about was her smile, her laugh, how beautiful she was, how easy it was for her to make me laugh…

“Hmm,” she mused. “Honestly? I don’t know.”

I grinned, falling back onto the couch. “You’re really that happy with your life?”

“Yeah,” she smiled lightly, “I mean, I’m really glad that Monica kinda like forced me into accepting the role. If not, I wouldn’t be with Nick, and…”

My smile faltered slightly as the rush of envy came back. She’s happy with Nick.

“Well, anyways Joe, thanks for the talk and everything! It feels good to catch up,” Mackenzie grinned as she got up. “It’s nice to know that we’re still friends.”

She waved goodbye, and let herself out the door.

“Yeah,” I sighed to myself, “Just friends.”